Humor Mr. Negative

 

 

 

 You must have known persons, who remain hard core positive come what may. Similarly, as opposed to this, world is full of people who are fiercely negative. They are constantly talking about the end of the world. In my college, when the Professor asked us what career we want to choose when we grow up. I said “I want to become a teacher”. A classmate of mine came to me and declared ‘teacher’s life is useless to say the least’. I wondered why he said so. Upon inquiring he supplemented his statement with another heart-breaking statement “Whole life he is playing around with calcium carbonate (chalk)”. I remember his prediction word by word. When I met him recently in our college reunion, I came to know he had become a lawyer. I am certain if I would have said I wanted to become a lawyer he would have discouraged me with full force. However, I did a stint as a professor in the Academy of Indian Railways at Vadodara.

 

                   Such (negative) people always have the negative virus flowing in their veins. They can off hand offer you ten reasons to not to get your house painted in whatever month/season you intend to do it. When it comes to matrimonial alliances, they are the worst people to have around. For example, they can object how the bride-to-be would travel for her job daily. You try to convince them these days cabs are there; they would retort how can she travel alone in the cab. You do not know these cab drivers; they are nothing but full-time criminals and only part time drivers. So, it is not practical and safe. This alliance has no future whatsoever. When everything else fails they are sure of this deadly weapon in their arsenal, “the girl is a Leo while the boy is a Sagittarius. They are not meant to be together. Stars don’t favour such a matrimonial alliance and worst awaits both of them”. These people spread so much of negativity in their household that slowly people stop visiting and socializing with them. It suits them. Worst recipient of their negativity is their own family members. They have no option. An uncle of ours despite his son having secured very high marks was admitted to not-so-good college but nearest their home, that is just across the road. Distance being the only criterion. As if this was not enough, he would stand wait for his son at his side of the road like a worried and nervous prospective father outside the maternity ward.  When their college trip was going to Simla he came up with scores of risks in going to Simla such as Simla is not for we the plain dwellers of Delhi, the sheer winds of hills are so strong, Dillwalas are not used to, the climate is so unpredictable that you are bound to fall sick, it is so freezing cold that won’t suit we Dilliwalas last but not the least the terrain is so precarious and dangerous at every step that you will feel you are walking on Delhi road while it may suddenly have so many highs and lows that you are bound to slip again and again.

 

They are the type of people, even when offered the office of President can come up with reasons rendering Presidentship as not so good a preposition. Delhi has lot of pollution, the climate is miserable, there is lots of traffic in Delhi, you cannot enjoy Golgappas at roadside stall. You will always be surrounded by security men, not a private moment for yourself to go to Karol Bagh for shopping from sale. Imagine! is this a job worth taking up where you cannot eat or move around as per your heart. Last but not the least, President House is too mammoth a palace. Such buildings are the favourite haunting adda of evil spirits. Spirits of Abraham Lincoln and John Kennedy are often sighted night walking in White House. Even if you do not believe in spirits the House is so big that you will be living constantly under the shadow of fear. During night you will have company of witches and during the day security men will surround you. You never know you may get hit by a bullet mistakenly fired by some over enthusiastic security men. You know how these days actors are getting hit by their own guns. Today it is abhinetas tom it may well be netas”                                  

 

 

 

Humor: House and Outhouse

 

         For the uninitiated, an outhouse is a smaller house, rather a room outside the main house generally at the back of the main house. It is also called servant quarters. Bungalows had these attached to them since British times. Bigger the bungalow more would be the number of outhouses to house butler, cooks, barber, tailor and washerman.

 

        

The readers who know about Tambola (Housie) would know that after ‘House’ comes ‘Outhouse’ and fetches lesser prize money than the House. The type of insane money being found these days ‘burning’ in outhouse, definitely makes outhouse a sought-after proposition. Just imagine huge amount of money lying scattered, unlocked, unaccounted and uncounted in outhouse. It is now calculated in terms of sacks…how many sacks equal to this much amount. So, sack is the new unit of measurement of money especially the ill gotten one.

          

By and by, builders will publicize not the actual house nor the accompanying garages/parking spaces but the spacious fire proof, burglar proof outhouses fitted with in-built fire resistant safes. Smarter builders will go to the extent of boasting as to how many crores their walk-in safe can accommodate comfortably.100 crores 1000 crores, just like the way refrigerators’ capacity is measured/flaunted. Prospective buyers will not go for actual house, first, they would like to inspect the outhouse and then decide whether to buy or otherwise.  

 

           Certain senior officer’s outhouse was raided for it was operating a hooch making small scale cottage industry, what you call MSME these days. The case was particularly interesting as the state was a dry state with total prohibition. Now who would suspect such a senior officer’s bungalow would have such a senior facility, the outhouse had a separate entry from backside. The business was going on uninterrupted.

There is another theory! why burn the currency? must have been some jealous or zealous guy, I have seen it in English films, this hero does not touch (the sin money) or report it to police, he just collects the wand of notes at one place and puts them on fire and without turning even once walks away to burn next heap of sin money.    

 

    One officer, I know who had earned enough number of enemies during one posting, so when he was transferred, a guy had put a small burning cloth in the wagon carrying his entire house hold kit. When the wagon reached its destination, it had nothing but ashes.

    

               So take it from me and be assured, for the sake of money or maid, the out house is more precious than the main house.

व्यंग्य: दामाद सास संग फरार

 

                

       

एक मशहूर शेर है:

 

 अच्छी सूरत भी क्या बुरी शय है

 जिसने डाली बुरी नज़र  डाली

 

      अब देखो ये भी कोई बात हुई ? मगर ये बात हुई। अलीगढ़ जो अब तलक ताले, चाकू और मक्खी-मच्छरों के लिए ही फेमस था अब अन्य साहसिक कामों के लिए भी जाने जाना लगा है। एक शेर और जो तब से कौंध रहा है वह भी पेशे खिदमत है: 

 “खुशी की रात होगी जश्न जरा हट के होगा

दीदी की शादी में अंदाज़ जरा हट के होगा”

यह शेर शादी के निमंत्रण पत्र पर लिखा था। किसी लड्डू नामक बालक की तरफ से। दिल तो बच्चा है जी। अब बताओ ये अपने आप में एक संदेश था समझने वाले के लिए। यहाँ तो जश्न क्या पूरी शादी जरा नहीं, बहुत हट के हुई। दामाद श्री, राहुल जी अपनी दुल्हन यहीं छोड़, सास के साथ ही नौ दो ग्यारह हो गये। यही कलयुग है। एक युग वो था जब राहुल और अपनी पत्नी यशोधरा को सोता छोड़ गौतम बुद्ध ज्ञान प्राप्त करने आधी रात को चले गए थे। यहाँ ये राहुल जी दिन दहाड़े अपनी भावी पत्नी को छोड़ सास को ले, ये जा वो जा। सास को क्या हक़ है कि वो इतनी सुंदर दिखे ? और इतना ही नहीं नाम भी ‘अपना देवी’ रखे। यह नाम तो खुल्ला खुल्ला निमंत्रण सा लगता है। देवी को सही पुजारी मिल गया और उसने बाहें फैला कर अपना देवी को अपना लिया। पति महोदय जितेंद्र जी बंगलोर में ‘बिजनिस’ में ही बिज़ी रहे। और उन्होने अपनी इंद्रियों को तो जीत लिया (जितेंद्र) मगर अपना देवी को अपना  नहीं बना पाये। यूं यह तो क्लिशे बन ही गया है कि प्यार अंधा होता है मगर इस केस में प्यार इतना अंधा भी नहीं था जाते-जाते साढ़े तीन लाख नगद और पाँच लाख के जेवर लेकर अपना देवी गईं हैं। मुझे कुछ-कुछ यकीन हो चला है जैसा कि कई खप ने कहा है यह मोबाइल नई पीढ़ी को बर्बाद कर रहा है। मैं तो कहता हूँ जी नई क्या पुरानी पीढ़ी का भी नाश कर कर रहा है ये मोबाइल। अब सोचो अपना देवी ने अपने होने वाले दामाद को सगाई वक़्त जो स्मार्ट मोबाइल फोन दिया था उसने दामाद श्री को कितना स्मार्ट बना दिया। होता भी क्यूँ नहीं सुनते हैं अपना देवी दामाद को 20-20 घंटे इसी फोन से ट्यूटोरियल दिया करती थीं। कोई अपना देवी अगर अपने दामाद को 20-20 घंटे के ट्यूटोरियल देगी तो उसने तो समझो स्मार्ट बनने का क्रेश कोर्स कर लिया। रिजल्ट -  अपना देवी को बिना देर किए अपना बना लिया। इसमें किम आश्चर्य ?

कार्ड में लिखा है "भीगी पलकें" 17 अप्रेल 2025 की प्रातः वेला मगर यहाँ तो अपना देवी 7 अप्रेल को भरी दोपहरिया में सबकी पलकें  भीगी नहीं बल्कि रो रो के सुजा गईं।    

आगे से उम्मीद है लड़की के मां-बाप दामाद की जांच पड़ताल ठीक से करेंगे और साथ ही मोबाइल फोन से दूरी बना कर रखेंगे।