satire: Kidney Coordinator

 

Police have seized a kidney racket. (If the police succeed to catch a guy, then the name given to entire event is what is called the racket, it sounds mammoth network/respectable) You will say, what is new in this? This is happening every day. No! The accused has been arrested in the case. Their kidney business is spread inter-state, yes, it is spread across five states. He has a turnover of crores. He has coordination with many hospitals. Gentleman is an MBA and has his business card. He refers himself as K.T.C. (Kidney Transplant Coordinator). Obviously, after having done his M.B.A., he must have learned all the techniques of management. The manager's definition itself is "the one who can manage unmanageable" M.B.A. nowadays, like bananas, are available dime a dozen. This gentleman must have also thought that it is better to become a kidney coordinator than to be a delivery/courier boy. He immediately opened an office and also opened branch offices in five states.

 

High time syllabus of M.B.A. includes supply-chain of kidney transplant management and start the latest disciplines like M.B.A. (Kidney) M.B.A. (Liver) M.B.A. (Blood) Believe me these courses will be immensely popular. An assured future awaits them. 100% placement with package best indeed in the industry.

 

You are your own boss. I love the position- Kidney Transplant Coordinator. Similarly liver coordinator. B.A./MA/ B.Ed. are a passe. Totally obsolete. The latest is B.T.C. (Blood Transfusion Coordinator) Now simple B.D.S. will not work. From now on, the name of the course will be J.R.C. (Jaw Replacement Coordinator) Hip ones, knee ones on the same lines.

 

Wait for a few more raids before the government takes the initiative to recognize it and start earning out of it. People in the business will openly boast ‘Recognized by the Government.  (Registration No. ...) There is a giver (donor)and there is a taker. In this deal. The coordinator will get his facilitation fee/service charges. All legal, Bonafide and ethical. In case any state Govt still perceives it as illegal, then it is their job to make laws. You regulate it. Bring the law. Surrogacy, I.V.F. are all now business models and where there is business, there is business model/management. Is your hair (wig), your nose (rhinoplasty) whether the government brings the law or not, the business is going on unabated.

 

Soon the Govt. may bring laws, charge registration fees, recognize institutions in this area, coordinators, and para-medics. Collect taxes from them. Win-Win situation, isn’t it?

 

 Happy Transplants!!

satire: All is not O. K.

 

The station master of a station was talking to his wife. Now what do husbands talk about? Be it the phone or face to face, they have to ‘listen’ and keep repeating "Yes Dear, O.K.” On the same lines, the Station Master told his wife on the phone, ‘The rest we will discuss when I’m back home, OK!’ Now others do not know when the wife is scolding, husbands have a template of response, it is all so very predictable. On the other hand, the Assistant Station Master who was sitting with him and had come to ask whether the train waiting at the ‘outer’ (signal) be given OK (symbolizing- line clear Go ahead) What the poor ASM heard was the Station Master’s concluding ‘OK’ to his wife.   When ASM heard OK, he promptly gave line clear to the train. 

 

 On hearing OK from the ASM, the engine driver streamed off the train, ran into another train, hitting the stationary train already on the same track. As a result, the railways suffered a whopping loss of Rs 3 crore. The control phone in the railway system is an open line, i.e. everyone can listen on the entire route.

 

It is learnt that this station master was already having a fierce quarrel going on with his wife and she used to scold her Station Master husband at home, but not contended, she called him and scolded him in the office. In order to cut short, the verbal onslaught, the station master shouted ‘OK’ to his wife. What he actually said, "I'll come home and discuss, OK.!” Hearing OK!  the train went on the wrong track and there was a huge issue. Master Saab went home shouting and fought with his wife over this. They fought hard and fought to the level that both of them got divorced. Now think of this one O.K.  What havoc it did. In this case, O. K. in fact, was ‘not O. K.’ It is a very dangerous word. There was a book titled ‘I am O.K. you re O K.’ Here O.K. in its entirety in a wider sense. O. K., You see! has many connotations. O. K. means anger that you do, whatever you feel like. I care two hoots! OK?

O. K.’s other meaning is- yes, so one meaning is "I'm fine." OK. It also means that you have my consent. If I say, I am ready, I agree. Yes, in this case, everything with the poor station master. OK ultimately turned into Not O. K. The wife also left him in Not OK condition. This is anything but OK. This O. K. got the poor Station Master suspended, caused a loss of Rs 3 crore to the railways and ultimately resulted in a divorce. Is it O. K.? So, in true sense one OK turned out to be Not OK.  

satire: Old (stale) rice in new train

  

Passengers have complained en-masse that dirty rice was served on brand new Vande Bharat train. Rest of the food also, the complainant emphasized, was stale. I think it's a deep-rooted conspiracy in all probability, foreign one. A plot to popularize Hot Dog/Hamburger/Pasta/Macaroni. You know! Rice is grown from soil (dust) You have not seen how barefoot men and women stand for hours in knee deep water and plant paddy for you year after year. Here You are! just one journey a rice plate not up to your taste and you begin cribbing. Brother! rice is produced from dust; we are all dust and eventually have to return to dust. 

 

You people eat outside, if you see sweets, ghee, oil being made, you will vow never to eat. But world does not run like that. We do go out; we do eat out.  Once during my train journey from Dahod to Mumbai, I got very bad food in train. When I asked for the complaint book, he asked me ‘Why didn't you tell earlier, you were a railway officer, I would have cooked fresh food for you. In retrospect, I feel, the private contractor is in this business to earn profit, not reputation or customers or goodwill for that matter.  Contractor did never nurture ‘My Ambition in Life’ to feed you in Vande India or anywhere in India. In case you have any desire to eat ‘fifty-six bhog’ on the train. It is possible only when you carry your food with you. To have fifty-six-inch chest is possible but if you say Chhappan (fifty-six) Bhog, you will not be able to find it even in the ‘Palace on Wheel’. So why desire what you can't get?

 

The Railways is for your travel needs. Its core competency is Transportation and not Catering/cooking delectable food. You who only bother about your food. You remain blissfully ignorant of what is the situation on the ground. What the ‘motherland’ is going through? How many people do not even get two square meals.  Look at you! Seems to be living for food and not other way round. You are at your best in throwing tantrums while travelling by Indian Railways. Sometimes it is AC- Inadequate cooling or excessive cooling. Sometimes the complaint of cockroaches, sometimes of rats. When all this comes out in your house, to whom do you go to complain? You should be environment friendly. Rats and cockroaches have been companions of man since time immemorial. Now why this urban-Naxal kind of hostility towards them?

 

It is not child’s play to run trains on time while giving all these facilities to its passengers. The bed-sheet should be clean; the pillow should be as clean as new. tickled and blankets should be dry cleaned after every usage. Wow! You just bought the train by buying a ticket of over-night journey. The water also needs to be pure. Toilet needs to be sanitized. The train should also arrive on time. The tea needs to be fresh, hot and not stink like the one prepared in the morning but served till evening.  

 

Do you behave so demanding at home or you save all these tantrums for the railways? Brother! If you are so fussy carry your ‘Imported rice’ with saffron fragrance. We too are not eager to ‘cater’ to your taste buds. You are happy, we are also happy. Vande Mataram!!

 

satire: Fake medicines for poor pets

 

 

The police have arrested not one but two such factories where fake drugs were being made for veterinary purposes. In fact, these gangs in the business of fake medicines also keep their R&D continuously updated. Which new medicines to be prepared fake. Fake medicines for animals are a novel business model. Nowadays, their children having left home for jobs/study, it has become customary to keep a pet. So those who made fake drugs saw a lot of potential in it. A huge market is waiting for them.

 

One, these new 'papas' are willing to buy any expensive medicine for their beloved cute child (pet). At slight provocation they rush to their ‘family’ Vet. "Dr.! He hasn't eaten since yesterday." "He is feeling very sad-sad," "My baby is undergoing depression God knows why?" What does Dr. want for his happiness? One ‘Sad Papa or Mummy’ another Sad Pat. He speaks something else in English. He writes expensive blood tests, X-rays, ultra sound and gives his knowledge on mood swings. Some 'fatty lever' also tells you at this age weak heart is common. and writes a pill/injection/capsule for Pet.

 

 

 

The Manufacturer of fake medicines was bound to see limitless potential in this. Pet cannot complain to anyone. Now how could a buyer find out that the drug is fake? There is no way to find out whether these capsules have just ‘pedigree’ in it or glucose powder. I have noticed that when pet stops eating and starts eating grass, then understand that he is doing his own treatment. He is capable of this. But 'Papa' is worried, that is when the vet and his fake medicine come in picture. There is a lot of adulteration in human medicines and alcohol too. After all, even a leaf cannot move without God's will. The God who has given you disease has given strength/blessings to the manufacturer of fake medicines. We have indeed put lot of work load at God’s doorstep these days.

 

Two fake medicines’ factories were busted but both you and me know there would be many more? My guess is at least two in every city. What do you think when the owners of these two ‘busted’ factories come out would they start manufacturing genuine medicines or will again go back to their old ways.

 

 

satire: Coaching centers cannot guarantee jobs

 

 

The authorities have discovered what is wrong with coaching centers these days. They are guaranteeing jobs to their students. Now if these coaching centers start guaranteeing selection, Then, what will the political leaders promise? Once young men get a job, who will come to their rallies? Who goes to listen to someone's incomprehensible speech? 

 

Now coaching centers have mushroomed all over. Many areas are identified by coaching centers and later they become what you call hub e.g. Old Rajendra Nagar, Mukherji Nagar. Now special centers for specific subject coaching have come up. Poor candidates run from one center to another. You don't ask about the fee it will give you heart ache. PG in the vicinity is equally costly. The pain of being separated from parents is different.   While studying day and night, many become semi-deranged. Some return to their homes and villages in time, hence, saved. Some are taken away after being deranged.

 

Everyone knows the story of Kota city. No month goes without a suicide or two of teenagers. When analyzing this, it turned out that either due to stubbornness of the parents or under peer pressure, they land in Kota, then the coaching centers put children in the mad race to improve their own result and give so much pressure that poor kids crumble. What kind of career is this in which a seat is sought after staking one’s life.

 

Now this new decree that coaching centers will not be able to guarantee success. Then who will look up to them? How many false promises they have to make. Full-page advertisements are given. Fabricated Statistics is given. Everyone is heard saying that a hundred people from our center have been selected or two hundred people have been selected. Eighteen in the first twenty belong to our center, etc. etc. Now if the government refuses that you cannot guarantee selection or employment, who will come to you. In fact, the government wants this work to be left to the politicians. Only the politician should guarantee. Earlier, the postman used to bring appointment letters. People used to share their happiness with the postman.   Then the offices took over this work directly and appointment letters were given at the hands of some politician. Both of them focus more on photo-op, Wherever the politician cannot reach, his cut-out is delivered, in the pose of giving the letter. The poor postman is kept out. No one writes postal letters to anyone these days. 

 

The coaching centers have to come out with something new, if you make it 'impossible', they have to make it 'I am possible'. Instead, you increase the seats, increase the seats in the job, then there will be no need for coaching and yes, don't play the game ‘paper leak-leak’ please.

satire: Anesthesia-less Operation

  

Don't worry, our medical system is highly advanced and historic. Our scriptures are full of advanced medical skills and potions also contains surgical operation step by step in full detail. The cure for cough and cold to the most serious disease are all found either in our kitchen or mythological texts? I don't know how many scriptures have given this entire medical system. Later, these books were taken away by the invaders and from there they gave us 'knowledge' by translating our own scriptures. 

 

In this series, to maintain our one upmanship, a state has now set a record of operating without administering chloroform.   Otherwise, I don't know how much money is spent on employing an Anesthetic and his paraphernalia. Sometimes anesthesia is ‘given’ either inadequately or in more than required quantity leading to the patient never regaining consciousness. The operation was successful, light of the day could see the patient but the patient could not see light of the day.  

 

In fact, now there is so much competition in this field that patients are being searched from house to house. Surgical Operation are being made so accessible that soon ‘Your Home Your Operation’ YHYO. ‘Fly by night’ surgery would be the order of the day. Get the operation done! Kidney-stones to Heart surgery are all operated at reasonable/ subsidized rate. Get a cataract surgery done! discharge straight from OT to your sweet home. We also have "Your Doctor-Your Door" scheme. You can give us your own kitchenware such as Knife, scissors   tweezer and blade. Look, we are running most 'Cost Effective' medical facilities. Give us an opportunity to serve. There is no shortage of beds, no difficult procedure for admission. We will do your surgery on your own bed. 

 

We also go door-to-door delivery. Look, there is nothing to panic. Ask your grandparents. Everyone was born at home and not in a maternity ward. Our USP? your child will be delivered  in your own home. Out of 150 crore, 100 crore are born at home and look at them, they are healthier than those born in hospitals and kept in incubator.

 

So don't panic. Come One-Come All for our most popular, innovative ‘Operation - without Anesthesia. 

 

 

satire: Injury in left eye- surgery in right

  

 

You must have seen how cabbies, and other public transport guys call/invite/persuade/coax you to take a ride in their vehicle at the intersections, bus stands and Railway stations. They almost forcibly pull you in their tempo/rickshaw etc. The driver agrees to whatever you say. Even if he is not going on that route, he says yes to you and then takes you off to the nearest location, saying your destination is close by. Then you know what? Your destination is still another rickshaw ride away and you will have to hire another rickshaw.

 

Similarly, so many nursing homes have now opened in every city, that are admitting ‘patients’ at the slightest pretext. They are luring future patients by bringing various packages/schemes. The advertisements of two things had never been seen in past. One, school/university and another of hospitals. Now the full-page ads of both of them appear in National dailies. Just wait there will soon be 'Buy one-get one free' scheme on the face of throat cut competition literally. The diseases are fewer and doctors far more. Even if you got the headache, the doctor is ready for the operation by opening your head. If you say there is pain in the hands and feet, they will scare you so much that you are gladly ready to be admitted for your ultra-sound, blood test, eco test, urine test, X-ray and if possible, MRI too.

 

In one such case, when a seven-year-old child's eyes turned red and began aching, child was rushed to the nearest clinic by his parents. Dr. armed with blossoming smile welcomed the new found customer. Dr. successfully scared the child's parents that a piece of plastic had gone into the child's eye and that it could only be removed by surgery. The fee will be forty-five thousand rupees. Somehow with great difficulty poor parents raised the money.  Dr. came out of OT like Hindi films’ fake doctor and announced; "Congratulations! The operation was successful child will come out of anaesthesia then you can go home with the kid” The real game began when parents saw that the pain was in the left eye and Dr. too explained about ‘plastic piece’ being there in the left eye, why on earth this bandage was on the right eye. Child was taken home, next day child developed allergy. Rashes appeared all over the body. The distressed parents fled to ‘another hospital…another Dr.’ who declared there was no surgery at all of the left eye. Hearing this their patience ran out. They went to the ‘old’ hospital and created a ruckus. The CMD (not Chief Medical Director but Chairman & Managing Director) pacified parents by explaining “due to the negligence of the nursing staff, the bandage has been put on the wrong eye. In fact, there was no surgical operation. The so-called piece of plastic that was glued to the eye was removed. That was the ‘only’ operation carried out. The child's health has not been good since then. Parents wondered why the hell was kid given anaesthesia that too General, when there was no surgery?

 

So, this is a competitive world. May you survive this harsh worldly journey. Here the merchants are after your blood, kidneys, lungs, liver eyes what have you. These merchants often wear uniform, masks, wear white coats and surgical gloves. I do not know how many such stories are daily shaping all around us. Now if you have to meet the target, you want to save your job, then you will have to do all this. The time has come to amend the Hippocratic oath. "... I will chop off whoever comes under my knife…and pick his pocket without any discrimination, compassion, melody and malice... May God help me with this"