satire : Desi dogs bite foreign coach

 

    The World Para-athletic championship Games are going on at Nehru Stadium, New Delhi. Foreign teams, as usual, are accompanied by their own coach. When the coach of Kenya and Japan were busy giving tips to their respective team-players, when a team of desi (native) dogs entered the stadium, without ticket or complimentary pass. Coach was taken by surprise, by the time they could comprehend situation in its entirety, the dogs had already bitten two coaches. The dogs were fully prepared and in ‘form’. Seemingly, they came trained, raring to strike. Poor coaches! They panicked. Dogs, back home in their country are not undisciplined. Poor coaches were rushed to nearest hospital where they were given injections and medicines.

 

    When officials were called upon to explain as to why stray dogs were not driven out and stadium secured safe for the championship. Pat came the reply “we had written to the stadium authorities about ensuing World Para Athletic Championship Games along with dates” It seems, stadium officials did not pass on this important information to the dogs. No circular, no office order, no memo. When the officials were pulled up, research started. It turned out that over thirty dogs are domiciled in this stadium. They also come for morning walk. Few younger one’s practice relay-race. Dog catchers explained; the number of dogs is far higher than humanly possible to chase away. On the last count, more than thirty dogs were already chased away/arrested.

 

    It turns out that stadium has as many as twenty-one gates. With twenty-one Entry points, how many dogs could anyone be able to prevent entry? Even if there is a guard at the gate, who isn’t afraid of pack of stray dogs. At the very sight of these ferocious dogs, throat dries up. The priority is to save oneself and certainly not preventing their entry. We are already planning to bid for Commonwealth Games, Asian Games and Olympics. Unless authorities do some quick ‘out of the cage’ thinking a very big question mark on India's claim has unintentionally been put. One more thing, now neither the coach of Japan nor the coach of Kenya will think of coming to India. Once bitten twice shy. Even if they come, they will not visit Nehru Stadium.  Whatever tips are required to be imparted shall be done on zoom video call.

 

    When I came to know the name of the stadium, I immediately understood who is behind all this. 

  

satire: One oath ceremony & its end of crime

 

    Our police have come out with a novel way to make society crime free. Hitherto, we have only seen society being made crime-free by liberally applying third degree and once in a while through ‘encounter’. However, crime is ever growing. Earlier also, this experiment was done by Netaji. 

 

    The police rounded up all the criminals who indulged in molestation, rape and other serious crimes against women. When the criminal is released or is out on parole/ bail, he may still be a threat to society. Around 100 such offenders were assembled at one place. They were administered a collective oath. Just like we, annually take oath of never taking bribe or of promoting Rajbhasha. We keep killing Ravana (evil) year after year, in the vain hope that one day Ravana will get killed. We keep swearing/ saying things on oath as routine in the fond hope that one day the repentance will sink in and we will give up all evil habits and lead peaceful crime free life. 

 

     Interestingly, earlier when this oath ceremony was held, the policemen took this oath under the leadership of their hon’ble Minister. Thereafter, the hon’ble minister announced from the rooftop that all those administered oath by him have promised to maintain impeccable honesty in their conduct.  

 

     Similarly, now criminals and gentlemen who have been convicted of heinous crimes like rape and assaulting women, have sworn that they will respect women and treat them like their own mother and sisters. They will always maintain a respectable distance from them. Thus, they will become virtuous in their thoughts, words and deeds. I don’t think! there ever was such a golden age in India. Just one oath ceremony and the police is reformed forever! Criminals too feel so secure and happy after oath. In fact, oath has lot of importance in our society. We are God fearing people or so we pretend. While testifying in court of law, we are on oath. Thereafter, we boldly record our lies. You see! oath is very important in the court of law. Affidavits on oath have to be given at every step.

 

    M.P., M.L.A., Ministers all take oath to serve the nation. Now the definition of ‘service’ may vary from individual to individual. To understand the concept of ‘service’ it is necessary to start from oneself. This way, if there is a flaw, it comes out, the flaw is detected in time. It is like scientists’ taste/consume a newly discovered medicine themselves to prove its efficacy.   Our maternal uncle ji when pursuing his B.Sc., he used to tell stories of his chemistry lab to us kids: “when a scientist decided to tell the world important property of potassium cyanide in terms of how it tastes, he tasted potassium cyanide with paper pen ready in one hand, he could only write S on paper and died instantly. The world could never know whether it was sweet/salty/sour? So, to this day, the secret of cyanide’s taste remains. (yes! mamaji would always call it KCN (chemical formula) To call it Potassium cyanide was left to we non-chemistry mortal students. For mamaji, a BSc scholar it always remained KCN.  Conclusion is ‘consumption’ is pre-requisite of service. 

 

     When it is said, so and so has sworn on oath, this means he has fulfilled the formality and now ready to take on the world and all worldly things world has to offer. Nowadays, political parties during their election campaign, distribute money to the voters, give 'Gangajal' (Holy Ganga water) to swear by.  To make sure they vote in their favour. The future of oath, swearing-in ceremonies is very bright. One oath and you are off-loaded of guilt, if any. See you in next oath ceremony.

 

satire: Noble Prize and poor me

 

Ever since I came of age, I have known the importance of prize in life. To this day, people use these awards/titles as their surname. British knew our mentality. They had introduced special titles for us such as Rai Bahadur, Khan Bahadur, Sardar Bahadur. If they (Indians) continued to ‘behave’ as they wanted, they would also be bestowed with Knighthood (Sir). What do we do now in post independent India? We introduced our own indigenous Padma Shri, Padma Bhushan, Padma Vibhushan and Bharat Ratna. Dadasaheb Phalke for the film people. Literature? What is that? Tell them to fend for themselves. Why do people look up to Govt for any and every small thing? They should be satisfied with the Sahitya Akademi of state/Centre. Sahitya Akademis - where more than literature, politics is prevalent. Fellowships are provided to followers. High time it is renamed ‘Followship’

 

In fact, in most cases these awards are best translated as Chamcha shri, Chamcha Bhushan and so on. Now in this kind of environment, which award is 'Worth'? There comes the award of awards, prize of prizes - Nobel Prize. This is the most prestigious/highest we have on earth.  May be later, we come across Prizes where nominations may be invited from other planets, kind of Miss Universe/Mr Universe. Although Miss Universe is a misnomer in the sense no other planet except earth is involved.   

 

I wonder, in case the Nobel Prize committee asks me for my bio data. What will I send them? I have no PR agency or lobbyist. The same agency will spread this news and make it viral. I realize, I ought not to make the mistake of asking this award for myself. Wise people learn from others’ mistakes. So, I have to stay away from the scene and not make myself 'available' to every paparazzi named Tom, Dick or Harry. I have to maintain a strange mist of 'mystery' around me. However, at the same time, has to keep a careful vigil as to who is active & where. Some sentences (statements) are to be by heartened. Also have to frequently keep repeating them. Mind it! Just have to talk of World Peace, Environment, Poverty, GDP, increase production. Agriculture sector needs to be revolutionized, discrimination, inequality to be abolished, Disarmament, elimination of terrorism etc. Slowly you will witness a movement will break out. Many people/NGOs will jump onto the bandwagon. A crowd will gather around you. Until then I have to remember some vital statistics and keep sprinkling here & there to the audience. From now on until the announcement of the Nobel Prize, I have to 'Think Global' and also ‘Act Global’ Asia, Africa, Democracy, Neighbouring Countries, US, UNO, besides ways and means to save humanity from terrorism. The atom bomb has to be destroyed. Further No one should be allowed to make/test atomic bombs. Elections should be held from time to time and yes, honestly. We have to save human beings from drought, flood, famine. Children's childhood has to be protected all over the world. They have to be protected from malnutrition. Education has to be given to everyone also masses should get medical treatment free of cost especially women and children. Yes, talking about women's rights, they have to be given equal status. Everywhere! Even in press conferences.

Wish Me Luck!!

satire : Illiterate in morning Graduate Engineer by Evening

         

 

In a tiny village of a province of my great nation lives a family who is wholeheartedly serving the mother land. They are particularly helping youth of the nation. Quietly engaged in this constructive work, away from public gaze with total dedication. Their specialty is: they provide degree diploma to poor children at nominal rate. They don't need any publicity. Wannabe Graduates and wannabe engineers are drawn to them 'By Word of Mouth'. Same is the case with English liquor shops in India. Earlier, one had to write very long ' Theka country liquor' or 'Government theka', 'English wine shop and cold 'child' beer'. So, this family is engaged in social service of different kind for years. Till now, countless have found employment on the strength of certificates/degrees forged in their shack.

 

    Their job is kind of ‘single window’ system, they undertake entire contract (A to Z) i.e. not only provide you with a degree but also give related papers like call letter, date sheet, roll no. Admit Card, Marks sheet. Once I was introduced to a lawyer with “he is a successful lawyer”. It was revealed that he takes up the contract of the entire case like manipulating F.I.R., leaving loopholes in charge sheet. Greasing the palm of opposite party counsel. Thus, this family too possess expertise not only in terms of fake degrees. It has a Rate Card for various ‘services’ it offers:

 

 

 

Item                                     Rate

1. Matriculation                 Rs.1000/-

2. Intermediate                  Rs.1500/-

3. Graduation                     Rs.1700/-

4. Masters                           Rs. 2500/-

5. Para-medical                  Rs.1200/-

6. Nursing                           Rs. 1000/-

7. B.Ed.                                 Rs. 2500/-

8. D.Ed.                                Rs. 2000/-

9. M.B.A.                              Rs. 2500/-

 

This list is just illustrative, not exhaustive. On demand, whatever you require shall be made available. What do you say these days 'Customized' service.  Secondly, one thing is clear from this list that their rates are pocket friendly. For this high quality and reliable authenticity, it is dirt cheap.

 

I had heard that now car thieves pick up (steal)  cars on 'Made to Order' Similarly, this ‘Degree factory’ has been engaged in this constructive work for more than twenty years. They claim their degree holders have not only found employment but also have happily retired.  In another province, after three months of initial crash course you will be ‘awarded’ M.B.B.S. Next day onwards, if you so desire, you can start your practice in your parents’ clinic or open your own clinic. 

 

So now no need to panic, that too just because your percentage is low and cut off has gone very high even in most obscure of colleges. In case, you are not getting admission even in correspondence course? Don’t bother we are there just for you. Now fake bank branch, fake police station, fake post office even fake court exist. It will be easier for you to make a list of what activity is left to be faked? This will greatly help entrepreneurs who can start their start-up and engage themselves meaningfully.

satire: Entire Science of Exam

 

 

I do not know who started this system of examination and when.  This system is tormenting us since its inception. Examinees are mortal but Examination is immortal. Men-women are mortal but Dracula is immortal. Examination has taken away the very marrow from our back bone. we have been taking examination one after another since birth. Due to the morbid fear of examination many examinees have lost their lives. Examination is the biggest thief who steals your youth. There is a song.... Life is a battle at every step" Actually, lyricist wants to say that life is an Examination at every step. Ask victims of my generation. We have taken the board examination early in life, from class V… can you imagine! In the fifth grade itself, this ghost of examination has been after us, innocents. Imagine a fifth standard child going to take the exam at another center holding mama ji’s hand, The enemies of education did not take any pity on us kids. Then the eighth-class board and then came the higher secondary board. The Mission of school/college ought to be “You may survive our fee structure but not our examination system”

 

T times we were helped just before examination by our good Samaritan teachers, God bless them. Certain kind hearted teachers took pity on us. They would ‘leak’ 'Important' questions a couple of days in advance. Come exam! and the Book Bazar will be abuzz with Key and Guide books. There was another variety - Guess paper. The book seller would keep Guess Paper stapled in yellow foil like soft porn. Guess paper came from several publishing houses. Every publisher used to claim 98 to 99% strike rate. Apart from these, guide booklets popularly called, ‘Dukki’ supposedly the gist of text books was also on sale in the forecourt of college. It used to be a lot cheaper than the text books. The teacher would go hoarse advising us to stay away from key/guide books but in vain. Dukki was our last resort, in fact, the only resort.    

 

At that time, we had no idea that the entire paper could be leaked. Just a ‘blue tooth’ device and you may top the examination.   Solver facility was not available during our times. Those who had to make ‘chits’, had to burn midnight oil. As if this was not enough, one had to remember which question was hidden, where. In the process, God knows how many shirts’ cuffs were unstitched and socks spoiled.

 

How easy it has become to pass any examination now. Examination of whatever hue and shade has either been compromised or eager to be compromised.  Do you want a ‘solver’? Impeccable record holders will be provided. Do you need question paper in advance? will be made available to you on your mobile phone. Do you want examination to be cancelled? Shall be done. You don't want to attend classes? We are empathetic, your desire is our command provided you pay the right price. You don't want to take the exam at all and yet need a degree/diploma? Don’t bother!   We have opened the ‘entire’ university under one roof for you. Under 'Your Degree at Your Door step' scheme M.B.B.S., M.B.A., B.Tech. whatever you fancy shall be made available. Have no fear! our degree/diploma certificate appears more authentic and genuine than the real ones.   You don't have to take any tension, we are here ...you can outsource your worries to us. We understand you are engaged in the important task of nation building. Who has the time for such mundane pursuits. Nation-building in itself is a huge examination.

Leave this minor paperwork to us. All the Best!!

व्यंग्य : जो जिम्मेवारी सौंपी है

 

यह बहुत ट्रिकी वाक्य है। इसका शाब्दिक/नज़र आने वाला अर्थ यूं है कि मैं आपका शुक्रगुजार हूँ जो आपने बड़ी कृपा पूर्वक मुझे ये जिम्मेवारी सौंपी है। मैं कोशिश करूंगा कि उस पर खरा आऊं।  इसके छुपे हुए अर्थ कई हैं: जैसे आपने मुझे जिम्मेवारी दी है अतः मैं भी आपकी सेवा-पानी का ख्याल रखूँगा। हर माह की पाँच तारीख तक आपको तयशुदा रकम जहां आप कहेंगे पहुँचती रहेगी। (दरअसल यही जिम्मेवारी तो सौंपी है) जहां जब जिस के फ़ेवर में हम व्हिप जारी करें, उसी के पक्ष में वोट देना है। हम कहें, बैठ जा ! तो बैठना है। हम कहें, खड़े हो जा! तो खड़े होना है। हम कहें वॉक आउट तो वॉक आउट करें। बस इतनी सी जिम्मेवारी है। और हाँ अपने दिमाग को घर छोड़ कर आना है। अपना दिमाग नहीं लगाना है। बस इतनी सी जिम्मेवारी है।

 

 जो भी चुना जाता है वह इस फंड, उस फंड में इतनी बड़ा फंड देकर आता है कि उसका रिफ़ंड नामुमकिन है। अतः देखा जाये तो यह जिम्मेवारी बंदे ने पार्टी को और उसके कर्ता-धर्ताओं को सौंपी है। बच्चू अब तुम्हारी खैरियत इसी में है कि मुझे चुनो। और हाँ ये वाला डाइलॉग मैं बोलूँगा अपनी प्रेस कॉन्फ्रेंस में। - "मुझे जो जिम्मेवारी सौंपी है मैं उसे पूरा करूंगा, उस पर खरा उतरूँगा"। आज का 'क्राइसिस' ही ये है कि जिसे जो जिम्मेवारी दी जाती है वह उसी का पालन नहीं कर रहा। बच्चे पढ़ाई के अलावा सब काम कर रहे हैं। माता-पिता बच्चे को समय देने की बजाय पैसे देकर अपने कर्तव्य की इतिश्री समझ लेते है। जिन पिताओं को अपने वक़्त में साइकिल उपलब्ध नहीं थी, वे अब कार आते ही बच्चे को कार थमा देते हैं जा बेटा ऐश कर, बेटा पिता की इस आज्ञा को शिरोधार्य कर कार लेकर फर्राटे से निकल जाता है। और दोस्तों के साथ खा-पी कर कार से लोगों को रौंदता हुआ घर आ जाता है। अभी तो एक केस ऐसा आया कि एक डॉक्टर साब अपने क्लीनिक में अपने नाबालिग बेटे से ऑपरेशन करा रहे थे। जब मरीज और उसके परिजनों ने हो-हल्ला मचाया तब ये बात प्रकाश में आई। पिता चाह रहे होंगे कि मेरा राजा बेटा जल्द से जल्द क्लीनिक संभाल ले या अपना क्लीनिक खोल कर अपने पैरों पर खड़ा हो जाये। चाहे इसके लिए मरीज को क्लीनिक से औरों के पैरों से ही ले जाना पड़े। जीना-मरना बिधि हाथ। जिम्मेवारी एक बहुत बड़ा टर्म है। आज जिसकी जो जिम्मेवारी है वही वो पूरा नहीं कर रहा है और लगता है गाल बजाने, गाना गाने। तू काम न कर काम की फिक्र कर, फिक्र का ज़िक्र और ज़िक्र की फिक्र कर, फिक्र का ज़िक्र कर। कोई और तो आपका ढिंढोरा पीटेगा नहीं। पीटे तब, जब उसे कुछ दिखे। अतः इसके लिए या तो आप एक टोली रख लेते हैं जो गाहे-बगाहे आपका इशारा पाते ही गुणगान करती है अथवा आप खुद ही अपना ढिंढोरा पीटने लगते हैं। जैसे कहावत है जंगल में मोर नाचा किसने देखा उसी तह शहर के बीचों-बीच मोर अव्वल तो नाचता नहीं। नाचे तो भी लोग जानते हैं ये चाबी से नाचता नकली मोर है। और फिर आजकल तो माॅर्फिंग और ए. आई. के टूल भी आपके पास हैं।

 

मैं मुंबई के पानवालों की ईमानदारी का कायल हूँ। वे आपसे पहले ही पूछ लेते हैं "पान में ज़र्दा प्योर मांगता या चालू?"  दोनों के रेट अलग अलग हैं। फिर उसमें वो पूरी पूरी जिम्मेवारी निभाते हैं। कोई मिलावट नहीं। एक मित्र बता रहे थे पहले इतनी स्कॉच तो स्कॉटलेंड में बनती नहीं है जितनी अकेले भारत में पी जाती है। लेकिन आज स्थिति बदल गई है। अतः कहावत भी बदल गई है। लेटेस्ट है इतनी स्कॉच तो स्कॉटलेंड में बनती भी नहीं है जितनी अकेले गुड़गांव में पी जाती है। वही हाल दूध का है। इतने दूध का उत्पादन भारत में होता ही नहीं जितनी खपत है। त्योहार आते ही लोगों को पता लग सके कि ऐसा भी कोई डिपार्टमेन्ट है अतः मिलावट वाले जहां-तहां छापे मार कर नकली खोआ नष्ट करते हैं और उसकी फोटग्राफी कर अखबारों में छ्पवाते हैं। अगले त्योहार पर फिर मिलने आएंगे। तब तक आप फ्री हैं। मज़े की बात है कि ज़ब्त की हुई शराब को थोड़े दिनों में ही थाने के चूहे पी जाते हैं। देखा जाये तो चूहे अपनी क्षमता से अधिक अपनी जिम्मेवारी निभा रहे हैं।

 

हिंदुस्तान फिर से सोने की चिड़िया बन जाये अगर सब अपनी-अपनी जिम्मेवारी निभाएँ । पर यह कहना जितना आसान है, करना उतना ही  कठिन है। पूरी जिम्मेवारी से कह रहा हूँ।

शादी के चालीस साल बाद

 

 

जब भी ससुराल जाता हूं

मुसलसल एक खौफ में रहता हूं

हरदम ‘साले’ घेरे रखते हैं

जीभ हूं दांतों के बीच में रहता हूं

एक सास थी ठूंस ठूंस कर खिलाती थी

साले हैं ! कोल्ड ड्रिंक भी पेग की तरह नापते हैं

खुद की बीवी ! बीवी नहीं रहती

जितने दिन ससुराल में रहता हूँ

ससुराल सास से होती है साले-सालियों से नहीं

बाग फूल से होता है पार्ट टाइम मालियों से नहीं

उनकी ना में ना, हाँ में हाँ भरता हूँ

‘आदर्श दामाद कैसे बनें’ किताब की सीरिज लिख सकता हूँ

 

हवा हुए दिन, सब 'मरजीना' सा 

रक्स करते थे

हम भी कभी कस्बे के 'अलीबाबा' थे

अब तो सरेंडर किए 'चालीस चोर' सा रहता हूँ

ससुराल मेरी, मैं ससुराल का

फिर भी कैसा दामाद ? किसका दामाद ?

न जाने कब निकाल बाहर करें

लुटियन ज़ोन में हारे हुए एम.पी. सा रहता हूँ