व्यंग्य: प से पेगासस

 

आज शाम में चौकी रखी है। अगले शुक्रवार जगराता है। माता रानी ने आखिर सुन ही ली मेरी और मुझे भी वी. आई. पी. बना के ही मानी । जय शेरावाली की। मैंने ‘मन्नत’ मांगी थी (शाहरुख खान वाला बंगला नहीं) माता ! अपने इस नालायक बेटे को भी कैसे-तैसे वी. आई. पी. बनवा दो। सो भाईयो बहनो ! पेगासस में अपुन का भी नाम आ गया है। मेरे फोन की भी टैपिंग हो रेली है। सोचो जिसे अपनी कॉलोनी में भी कोई नहीं जानता था, जानता था तो भाव नहीं देता था वह रातों रात अखिल भारतीय स्तर का वी. आई. पी. बन गया है। बड्डे बड्डे मिनिस्टरों और पत्रकारों के साथ मेरा भी नाम बस यूं सोचो चल पड़ा है। अब तो ‘स्काई इज़ दी लिमिट’

 

सोच रहा हूँ जिसने भी मेरा नाम डाला है क्या सोच के डाला होगा। क्या मैं सत्ता के लिए इतने मायने रखता हूँ ? यूं तो मैं अपने को विपक्ष लिए भी किसी मतलब का नहीं मानता। वो क्या कहावत है गाँव-खेड़े में  ‘बिल्ली का .. न लीपने का न पोतने का’ फिर सोचता हूँ इधर रिटायरमेंट के बाद मैं ज़्यादातर अपनी कोठरी में सोता ही रहता हूँ अतः कहीं टैपिंग करने वालों ने हो न हो मुझे ‘स्लीपर सेल’ वाला समझ लिया होगा।

 

अब से मैंने जितनी भी अंग्रेजी फिल्म देखी हैं उनके लटके-झटके ‘बापरने’ हैं :-कॉपी देट, रोजर देट, हिट इट मैन, वाट दी फ.., कम विद मी इफ यू वांट टू लिव, आई विल बी बैक’ टाइप। अब दूध वाला भी आता तो मै कहता “वी गॉट कंपनी” अब मै दोस्तों के पते या फोन नंबर नहीं उनके ‘कोर्डिनेट्स’ पूछने लग पड़ा हूँ और कितने बजे आ रहे हो ? नहीं पूछता, बल्कि कहता हूँ “टैल मी योअर ई. टी. ए. ?” बड़ा मज़ा आता है जब वो “एँ....? ए ?” करते हैं। इधर कॉलोनी में ये खबर आग की तरह फैल गई है कि मै कुछ लफड़े वाला आदमी हूँ। अब लोग मुझे देख सहम से जाते हैं या तो रास्ता बदल लेते हैं या सलाम करते हैं। मै यद्यपि पूर्ववर्त ही दिखने का असफल प्रयास करता हूँ। कुछ लोग दबे स्वर में कहते हैं “देखो कैसा लगता है, मगर पूरा चैप्टर है चैप्टर” 

 

रिश्तेदार यूं तो पहले से ही मुझसे कन्नी काटते थे मगर अब तो कन्नी ही नहीं काटते खौफ भी खाते हैं। मै एक उम्र से चाहता भी ये ही था। भगवान जब देता है यूं समझो पेगासस जब देता है मोबाइल फाड़ के देता है। जब तलक ये पता चले कि वो आर. के. कोई और है तब तक तो ये वी. आई. पी. वाली फीलिंग रहने दो आई लाइक इट !

 

थैंक यू पेगासस ! इस पगलैट खच्चर को भी पेगासस बना दिया।

 

पेगासस पैरीपैना !

Pen portrait UPG

 

 

                              There was this Lalit Mohan Gautam who when contested election to students union went around publicizing himself as LMG (Light Machine Gun)  to his opponents. The protagonist of our story is UPG (Upgraded Powered Gun). He was in my office, a brilliant mathematics post graduate he was working as an Office Superintendent. All this is inconsequential to our story. UPG was above all these mundane designations or for that matter the conservative office hierarchy. For his sheer smartness, resourcefulness and capacity to grasp office Rules & Regulations he was associated with most of the prestigious assignments of the office. During one such assignments i.e. recruitment of physical handicapped quota (fancy words like differently abled and Divyang were yet to enter the lexicon) he met a girl candidate, well off, in possession of a few properties at prime locations.  Having acquired substantial educational qualifications she was looking for a worthwhile job to impart meaning to her life. UPG assured her that he would definitely get her selected. To cut the long story short, she got selected; UPG was a great support in new office and new town. In months to come she came ‘close’ to UPG. There was this twist, UPG was already married with two kids. But by then UPG had come to realize the net worth of this girl. He convinced his wife, mother of his two kids for a amicable paper divorce and to sweeten the deal he transferred the ownership of his big house to her divorced wife. He got married to this girl and with liberal help from his new wife bought a spacious love-nest.  UPG was full of rather overflowing energy, though most of it was channelized towards his mischievous and dishonest adventures. He was tall dark bespectacled not so handsome but he compensated that with his sharp ready wit. 

 

Life was hunky dory

 

Knowing his misadventures once his officer asked him how he did all this.  UPG replied “Sir next selection after you have interviewed the candidates, just handover the selection files to me as soon as you come out of the Board Room. I will not open any file nor would I recommend any candidate but will make my moolah”

The officer was perplexed “how on earth was that possible?”  UPG guffawed “I take the contract of entire selection, thus, my ‘dealers’ collect money from all those interested. No sooner the news spreads which gets translated to greater clientele. Those who are selected their money is pocketed and those who are not, their money is refunded” of course, in easy installments often spread over to years as he also ran a money lending racket. 

 

In his spare time he will read thrillers and detective novels which helped his evil mind to discover newer schemes. As the tricksters who get caught these days admit that they got the idea from crime serials mushroomed on television. He will get his accomplices to even indulge in eve teasing and then appear as Robin Hood all for a handsome protection fee in cash or kind.

 

It was rumored that his new wife would invite office girls to her house and entertain them to sleazy films on her VCR, a big deal in 1980s.  I was amused no end when in a wedding function I spotted UPG sporting a boa (tie) rather unusual site in an obscure wedding ceremony of even more obscure town. But that was UPG – always a game and always unique at it.

 

Once he came to me with seemingly a good welfare scheme.. He said “Sir! Let us inform employees what all their data is with us in our record and in case there is anything missing or they want to supplement they can tell us” Office keeps vital details of employees e.g. Name, Date of birth, Qualifications, Permanent address, Marital status, Last promotion, Rate of pay/pay scale/basic pay, names of family members etc. in what is called Personal dossier. Employee would come to know of their updated data and if any correction/change is required they will bring to our notice and we will rectify.  Fresh from management school I was impressed and gladly gave my Go Ahead. Next day UPG was on the job, with his team of half a dozen young girls and boys.

 

Much later the evil design behind the scheme was brought to my notice. UPG purposely intimated incorrect data to the employees. Now employees were after UPG to get their data corrected. UPG obliged after much goading and at a fee. (No correction was involved as the record was correct; it was only the letter, which had ‘error’) It was only the format in which UPG had played his game, it was neither in his handwriting nor signed by him...oh those boys and girls. UPG’s explanation was Sir! It was the very purpose of the scheme to rectify and when we are doing this massive exercise for thousands of employees some error creeping in cannot be ruled out” People say he made good amount of money from the employees whose record he purported to have corrected. They knew the importance of office record esp. on the occasion of transfer/promotion and retirement benefits including the pension. That was no all he had taken hefty amount from the parents of those boys and girls engaged for a brief duration in the name of getting them permanent Govt. jobs. 

 

Once, UPG entered a wager with another local goon. Wager was leave alone getting any work done; the goon cannot visit office without UPG’s knowledge. Sure enough when this local goon came to plead for a favorable decision in some case, UPG came on scene. The goon lost the wager. Little did he know UPG had already asked the staff to inform him pronto as soon as this goon is seen.  Most of the office peons and staff were in debt of UPG. 

 

We had this Credit and Thrift Coop Bank. Office used to conduct election for its sole Director every three years. The Director was empowered to sanction loans etc. A sizeable capital was at the disposal of the Director for investment purposes. The electorates were employees only. First time the town came to know there was such a Bank thanks to UPG who was contesting for Director. Banners, oversized hoardings and posters were put all over, as the saying goes the town was painted red. It was said that he tried to bribe the opponent a sitting Director of ten years standing to withdraw from the fray.  Sitting Director proved hard nut to crack. UPG lost the election with a narrow margin. When people sympathized with UPG he simply laughed it away, later it was revealed that his entire election was funded by few persons as the Director was empowered to engage two boys during his tenure who are eventually made permanent Govt. employees. 

Magnum opus:  UPG opened a Coaching Instt. in his first wife’s name at a prime location in the town. The opening was done with a great pomp and show. The stated objective of the Instt. was to coach young boys and girls for various exams of Central and State Govt. Aspirants queued up. Reason UPG whispered to them “I will get you the Question Paper a day in advance and rest will be taken care of. The queue grew longer and longer. The Coaching Centre in reality became just a Collection Centre. UPG collected lakhs of rupees from each candidate. A real big undisclosed sum got collected through the cronies of UPG.

 

Come the D day and ‘drunken’ UPG went to the strong room guarded by two cops 24X7. UPG asked them to open the strong room as he has to ensure everything was in order. Cops immediately took UPG in custody and announced to one and all that UPG has confessed to all his gory deals and now Police are looking for his accomplices and all those who paid him money after all offering bribe too is a crime. All he aspirants fled and went underground. It was later revealed that ths was planned with cops playing their part in consideration of a handsome measure of grease on their palms.

 

UPG after two days in ‘lock up’ was seen roaming around busy city market in a pedal rickshaw. People discussed as to how severe beating of third degree continuously for two days in lock up had affected both his body & brain. For next one week this became a routine sight, UPG in a pedal rickshaw going round and round in the market. People were convinced that UPG has gone mad due to beatings he received during interrogation. To make his case foolproof UPG had already managed a medical prescription certifying that UPG is undergoing psychiatric treatment for the last six months.

 

Those who were cheated of their hard earned money, all were not meek, frightened and convinced. They insisted for refund and threatened UPG of dire consequences. Hearing the news of his bravado the Investigation Agency also did not sit quiet. How can anyone do this big a scam without their ‘knowledge’.  Promptly a raid was conducted in the premises of UPG. Sadly, they found nothing incriminating leave alone any traces of black money. The team returned red faced and empty handed. In fact UPG had got the news of raid an hour in advance, enough for him to transfer the ‘suitcase’ to his friend’s house to be taken back when the chase got cold.

 

Meanwhile the ones who insisted for refund ganged up against UPG. They will confront UPG several times a day and at odd hous to make sure he was at home. Soon they stated carrying out their threats. Punching him, abusing him,, slapping him  and beating him in his own house before his family.

 

UPG thought it was time to return some money to all and all money to some. He went to his friend to recover his ‘suitcase’ only to find the house locked and friend gone forever, without a trace.

 

UPG committed suicide.

 

A precious life wasted and so many lives destroyed including of his own family members.

 

P. S.

 

People said UPG married this new girl for HER property but destiny willed it otherwise it was she who got HIS property including the pensionary benefis.

व्यंग्य : हवा..... हवा... ऐ हवा !

                ऑक्सिजन की कमी से कोई नहीं मरा । सच ही तो है । सब को कोई न कोई ग़म है और आपने सुना ही है:

            हमको भी ग़म ने मारा उनको भी ग़म ने मारा ...

 

        पृथ्वी पर ऑक्सिजन ही ऑक्सिजन है । अब आपको सांस

 लेना ही नहीं आए तो सरकार क्या ! कोई भी क्या कर सकता है ?

तुलसीदास जी तो शुरू से यही कह रहे हैं :

 

          “ सकल पदारथ या जग माहिं

      भाग्यहीन नर पावत नाहिं”

 

      सब आंकड़े सरकार देती है । सरकार किसने चुनी है ? आपने

 ! मतलब आपको खुद की ही चुनी हुई सरकार भरोसा नहीं। कैसे

 जाहिल हैं आप । इसका मतलब भी समझते हैं? मतलब आपको

 खुद पर भरोसा नहीं। मतलब आपका तो कोई भरोसा ही नहीं।

 ताहिरा सरा ने आप ही जैसों के लिए लिखा है :

 

         “ की कैन्ना है मेरे ते ऐतबार नहीं ?

      मतलब तैनू तेरे ते ऐतबार नहीं “

 

    वो कह भी दिये हैं न कोई मरा था, न मरा है न मरेगा। इसका

 मर्म समझें। उनकी तो मुक्ति हुई है मुक्ति । आप जानते ही हैं

 लोग मुक्ति के लिए कितने औटपाये करते हैं। मंदिर-मंदिर तीरथ-

तीरथ डोलते फिरते हैं । दुनियाँ भर के सत्संग, पूजा-आरती, व्रत-

त्योहार करते हैं तब कहीं जाकर किसी किसी विरले को मुक्ति

 मिलती है। बौद्ध धर्म में इसी को ‘निर्वाण’ की प्राप्ति और ईसाइयों

 में ‘सैलवेशन’ कहा गया है। अब कोई बताए सरकार आपके लिए

 और क्या क्या करे। अंग्रेजी के ‘मृत्यु’ कवि जॉन डॉन ने बहुत पहले

 ही लिख दिया था

 

                डेथ बी नॉट प्राउड

                डेथ दाऊ शैल डाई

 

तो ये मृत्यु की मौत है आपकी नहीं। आप तो अजर-अमर हैं । न

 शस्त्र इसे मार सकता है न अस्त्र इसे काट सकता है । अग्नि इसे

 जला नहीं सकती (इसीलिये न आप बालू में दबा दिये या गंगा में

 बहा दिये) फिर ‘भायरस’ या करोना-भगोना इसका क्या बिगाड़ लेंगे।

 

दरअसल हमारी मानसिकता ही ऐसी है इल्ज़ाम दूसरे पर डालने की।

 डॉ टाइम पर देख लेता तो… टाइम पर ऑपरेशन हो जाता तो

 ...पैसों का इंतज़ाम हो जाता तो... खून ज्यादा न बहा होता

 तो...ऑक्सिजन खत्म न हो गई होती तो। अरे भई ! करम का

 लेखा कौन मिटा पाया है/ आपके पैदा होते ही ये पक्का का दिया

 गया था कब कैसे कहाँ से आप स्वर्गारोहण करेंगे। इसमें तनिक भी

 इफ एंड बट की गुंजायश नहीं ।

 

लिटिल नॉलेज इज डेंजरस थिंग। बस किसी से सुन लिया

 ऑक्सिजन से जीने के लिए जरूरी है । कहीं ‘भिदेसी मिडया’ में

 पढ़-सुन लिया कि इंडिया में ऑक्सिजन की कमी है। अरे भई ये

 सब दुश्मन हैं दुश्मन। ये नहीं चाहते इंडिया आगे बढ़े। आत्म निर्भर

 बने। बस आपने तो मुंह उठा कर यकीन कर लिया कि हमारे दद्दा,

चच्चा, भाभी सब इसी से चल बसे। अरे भई ‘बी पॉज़िटिव’। वे मुक्त

 हुये हैं मुक्त। अब देखो उन्हें न तो गैस सिलिन्डर की कीमतों की

 चिंता सताएगी, न पेट्रोल-डीजल के दाम उनका कुछ बिगाड़ पाएंगे ।

 डी ए बढ़े-घटे, फ्रीज़ हो उनकी बला से। और तो और वो मिलावटी

 तेल-दूध से भी ऊपर उठ गए । कभी किसी आपदा का पॉज़िटिव

 पहलू भी देखा करें। जापान ने हिरोशिमा नागासाकी के बाद ही

 तरक्की करी । सयानों ने कहा है “नो बर्थ विदाउट ब्लड”। अब देखो

 शादी ब्याह में गेस्ट लिमिटेड किए इसका फायदा आप ही को तो

 हुआ । कम खर्चा करना पड़ा। रेल- विमान सेवा बंद होने से आपकी

 फिजूलखर्ची पर लगाम लगी। नाते-रिश्तेदार, मेहमान नहीं आए इससे

 बचत हुई कि नहीं ? आप कब समझेंगे ?

       

                    जो बचाया सो कमाया

 

आपको तो बस अपने रोजगार-कारोबार की पड़ी रहती है। कभी देश

 का भी सोचा करो। ये आप ही का देश है और इसकी सरकार आप

 ही ने चुनी है ये छोटी छोटी बात का बतंगड़ बनाना फाइव ट्रिलियन

 इकॉनमी वाले विश्वगुरू को शोभा देता है क्या ?