HUMOUR--- SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING

                                                                       

            It is not only Neetu Singh who proclaims ‘I know everything’.  I know one more lady who goes around repeating her threat that she knows everything.  She reminds me and my kids almost on hourly basis that she knows everything.  You are right … she is my beloved wife.  The fault dear Brothers ! is not in our stars but in ourselves that we are married.  She is one person, who has made me realize like no other Guru of morning TV channels that humans especially husband-type-humans are born imperfect and die imperfect, however, hard they may strive to achieve perfection.  She effortlessly goes in and out of the role of a sleuth putting best of  Mossad men have downcast eyes.  She can make a thriller out of, as mundane an event, as my business lunch out.  “I will not need lunch box today” is enough to wake up the dormant Sherlock Holmes in her. Why?  Where..? Who…? And I can visualize the third degree interrogation.  Finally, hysterical and, at times, not so hysterical reaction follows… should have told last evening … last night… today morning and so on.  Next time if I am found repeating this ‘goof up’ the cruelest penalty awaits me.  She is such a ferocious watcher and commentator of TV serials that she can get selected as the critic of TV shows without having to apply for it.  At times, I am convinced; she would have been as fabulous a TV serial maker as home maker.

            She goes to bed… rather comes to bed only after all the serials of the day have been aired and the repeat telecast for the other hemisphere begins.  She has this peculiar habit of putting her bag of saris/dresses, she considers precious/chosen one, in my cupboard.  I just fail to understand why she does so but she has bullied her way in grabbing tenancy rights in my almirah.  Often, I feel, it is poor me who is a tenant and she is the one who is the Lord of the cupboard. 

            There is one more aspect I want to share:  I am fully convinced that she indeed knows everything in advance through some ‘divine intervention’.  She comes to know when I would be visiting the wash room.  She is already bang there like a land mafia. This is what I call, not illegal but ill time occupation.  I am baffled and fail to understand how she can read my err… mind …every time? I am convinced she is not doing so to tease me.  It is much deeper than that.  The cynics may call it made for each other or whatever. 

            If she were the judge of a ‘worst dressed husband’ pageant, she would handover the crown to me, even if she has to fight for this with rest of the panel.   She hates my wearing cotton track suit.  She insists I wore the branded stretch Lon track suit gifted to me by my mother-in-law.  Also the logo of the brand should be visible and not be covered by some “stupid” oversized tee shirt… yes all this! Notwithstanding the humidity of Mumbai. 

            My wife has a serious grudge against the ceiling fan manufacturers.  Why all the fan regulators have 6 as the maximum notch.  She likes her air-conditioner at ‘High’ and ceiling fan at optimum 6.  She feels the world has progressed so much but these ‘pankhawalas’ are stuck at 6 since the times Philip Diehl invented the fan. It should have speed variations going up to 10 if not 16.  So till then! she is just about tolerating all fans in our house running at measly 6.

            I have enough material to write a fat book on my not so fat dear wife of almost 30 years standing. She is a gourmet’s delight. She loves and enjoys cooking. More often than not we are the handy guinea pigs available for all her culinary experiments. We are happy about it and look forward to her newer inventions. She can easily give run for money to best of the chefs in the city. She is intricately meticulous and definitely has great eye for details. I usually forget but she remembers not only what she wore but what I wore when we last visited Khannas, Sharmas or Vermas. She keeps relations warm with all my relatives both near and distant ones. Left to me, I would have long turned indifferent towards them. So I would give her 100 out of 100 on this count. She is an excellent mind reader of people we come across. Her assessment of people has seldom gone wrong. I am amazed how without studying psychology in her curriculum, she knows so much of human behavior. Similarly, she is a strategic diplomat, capable of skillfully cold shouldering people whose company she abhors. So what, its thirty years since I said ‘I do’ but she hasn’t stopped surprising me.   I also know that you would relish and find mirror image of yours (or better half’s) in the book-to-be but bigger question begging answer is who will save me when she is affront… So dear readers!  Love your wife and if you can’t, at least pretend, for therein and therein alone lies the much elusive peaceful dwelling and ultimately peaceful deliverance from this mortal world.  Amen!