The Boss

In India bosses are simply handed over to workers. Workers can shower choicest abuses on them, can gherao them, manhandle them and if they so decide can even stab them.

Earlier the very word boss existed only in the dreaded World of Crime. Boss conveyed the image of a mysterious man wearing dark glasses, overcoat, hat with a cigar dangling between his thick lips. Boss would invariably be trigger happy ruthless man having his pet kitten in the lap and favorite Lily darling beside.

Later Bosses evolved themselves keeping pace with the changing times and they became don, mafia king and legislators. The sissy version of boss is found in offices. This type of boss doesn't have the luxury of cat in the lap instead he has rats, pigeons and bee hives for company. There are no Lily darlings either rather over-aged, overweight/over-burdened women would pretend working. 

Boss is the most favorite and evergreen topic of discussion (read criticism) Ridiculing boss is like having a fruit chaat, it is only masala which keeps varying according to one's taste. His each and every action is noted, mimicked, analyzed and dissected during lunch breaks and tea breaks. How he thinks too much of himself and is shabbily/gaudily dressed. He has no manners and keeps grinning or he has constipated face and seldom smiles.

You go early to office, Boss comes late. You go late, he comes early. Not dependable at all. To make phone calls at odd hours seems to be his favorite hobby. Sitting till wee hours in the office, he doesn't care a hoot for his family and expects you to follow his footsteps and yet be imperfect so that he could pick holes whenever he chose so. He can't see anyone happy. He is undisputed a cynic also. Sometimes he would cheerfully ask well being of your entire family but most of the times he stares through you with a blank face as if meeting for the first time.

Another important property of boss is liberal sprinkling of English words in Hindi conversation esp. words like bloody, oh hell, rubbish, Johnny, Chap, etc. Boss is normally found to be suffering from blood pressure, diabetes and heart problems. Boss is often a smoker too but in recent times smoking has given way to cocktails.

A good boss should rarely smile. Hearty laugh is a strict no no. This helps creating an aura around you. At times he should act cold with familiar people also, such as refusing to recognize them, being unable to place them.

Boss always runs, short of time, No time to respond to useless invitations. In case any invitation persists you may yield only to arrive late. Keep looking at your wrist watch as often as you can and excuse yourself at the middle of the program. After all you are a boss, no idler, Boss is never idle, even when he is, he does not show it, LBDN - look busy do nothing.

A good boss is that who can find several faults in the best acknowledged subordinate. For half a day leave he asks half a dozen questions. Boss would always be short tempered and keep losing it on the slightest pretext.

Bosses don't eat peanuts or plantains. They partake only cashew nuts and fresh juice. Boss doesn't read vernacular newspapers and magazines. A good boss always reads English ones and announces as often as possible how weak he was in Hindi, Bangla, Tamil as the case may be. Suit, safari, tie, sunglasses all are meant for boss. A good boss is invariably a bald boss. Boss doesn't go for movies at first place, when he goes he goes only for English films. More serious and bore the film is more it would be liked by the boss. A good boss must have visited few countries preferably on government expense. This helps him in beginning or concluding a conversation e.g. last winter when I had gone to USA .. a similar thing happened with me in London… the best ice-cream I ever had was on Eiffel Tower.

Boss doesn't travel by cycle or scooter. He travels by car and in no case lower than by chartered bus. He flies to other cities, draws salary through cheque, pays bill by credit card. A good boss has favorite authors, painters, actors and mind you, not Indian, have to be essentially foreigners. So these are few characteristics of a boss, the list can go on but does it augur well for a boss to write long notes?

(from the collection 'Bald is beautiful '2000)

published in Alive Dec. 1999

YOU ARE A BUFFALO

Earlier apartheid was rampantly practiced in Africa. Today it is almost dead there. India too has had a long tradition of discrimination on the basis of caste, color, creed, birth, sex, education, wealth, clothes etc. etc. Constitution framers had to insert article 14 to proclaim that the State shall not discriminate on above grounds. However, social problems need social solutions, therefore, discrimination on all the above grounds exist in some form or the other. If you ask an average Indian he will vehemently deny having ever discriminated on such grounds and may well continue to do so. Reason…we are hypocrite par excellence in the whole world. Otherwise how do you explain in a country where there are temples dedicated to rats, snakes are mass-worshipped, and cats fondly addressed as aunt (mother’s sister). It is in India only that monkey is called uncle (maternal) cow is as sacred as ones mother and misbehavior with peacock is a serious national offence. Poor buffalo neither has respectable title nor any temple worth the name …why..Just because she is black. Poor thing! She has been discriminated against since time immemorial but has been quietly giving you milk. You have been mercilessly giving her harmful injections to extract last drops of her milk. Have you noticed her habitat? Poor thing eats most unhygienic food and is found to be starving. We hear any number of stories how buffaloes suffocate to death after consuming polythene bags. In India there are hordes of proverbs and sayings involving buffalo. Unfortunately, all of them are inspired by age old prejudices against poor buffalo, for no fault of hers.

Jiski lathi uski bhains (He who wields the baton owns the buffalo).
This is a popular saying in India, more popular among the losers, among the weak who console themselves by repeating it as often as required. On second thought you will agree these are not the times of stick and baton. This is 21st century, times of human bombs, AK-56, AK-47, remote controlled arsenals. Baton is utilized only to shoo away cats and dogs. This proverb is gross injustice to buffalo and puts her in poor light. The newest proverb ought to be ‘he who wields AK-47 owns India 47’. It sounds more appropriate and relevant. Don’t you think so?

Bhains ke aage been bajaana (To play flute before a buffalo)
Another proverb adding insult to injury (or is it other way round.) The conspiracy is aimed at humiliating buffalo one way or the other vis-à-vis other privileged pets. All efforts are in the direction of making a big noise that music is Greek to her. She is devoid of tender feelings so very much required for appreciating nuances of fine arts. She is rustic and at best just a dullard. You may call her names but don’t forget, it is her milk which has brought you up from wailing toddler to today’s lad or lady as the case may be. It is old, despicable but widely practiced practice to act as tormentor of your mentor. Remember! till today new mothers solely rely on buffalo’s milk to bring up their babies. They fear any deviation will adversely affect their ‘figure’. They care two hoots for buffalo, who in any case is already ‘disfigured’. However, even then if you feel buffalo has no ears for music, pray! go and play your flute before some other animal who appreciates ragas and symphony. After all buffalo didn’t invite you to play flute for her. Think of it, who has time and ear these days to listen to your flute. Radio-TV also don’t air your flute rendetions..before..midnight.

Kala akshar bhains barabar (black alphabet is equal to a buffalo)
This is limit. You mean buffalo is illiterate. You don’t send her to any school/finishing school. At first instance you don’t allow her to socialize fearing she may learn and unlearn many uncomfortable things detrimental to your interest. You call her names, shout at her. By the way which other pet has acquired degree/diplomas. Don’t you forget, what to talk of animals even among humans only a small miniscule percentage is literate? If not of illiterate buffalo’s which other educated animal’s milk you intend to savor. Who else do you think you want to milk…tigress that will gobble you down bucket included.

Believe it or not, there appears to be a high level plot. Otherwise, think of it, He -Buffalo is the ride of Yama—the death god. Yama when not trouncing humans and couriering their ‘pranas’ to other world must be taking He-Buffalo for long drives. During one of these joy-rides HB could have opened the topic before cheerful Yama “Sir! mrs. is having a little problem out there” and should have sweet-talked Yama into yielding certain life long concessions for poor buffalo. I find it intriguing and hard to believe that she faces such penury hardships even after her husband having been placed so ‘highly’. I fear it may be a case of pending divorce, incompatibility or dispute of restoration of conjugal rights. Marriage gone awry, the marriage which should have been rocking instead is on the rocks. Buffalo too, after all is a self respecting creature, knowing her; she must have flatly turned down HB’s offer of ‘maintenance’.

No independent candidate or political party keeps buffalo as the party symbol. Buffalo is ignored so much that we find people and political parties keeping cow, oxen, calf, horse even donkey as election symbol but not buffalo. Aren’t you convinced yet that buffalo has been subject of constant humiliation, social ostracisation since ancient times. Women’s lib hasn’t reached her. It is time to rise in protest for the fundamental rights of buffalo. It is criminal to be silent now. If you don’t protest now who will rise for you in your hour of need. High time buffalo is restored her due. First of all she must be bestowed with suitable address e.g. sister, sister-in-law or aunt. What these Animal Welfare societies are doing busy promoting champagne socialism and whisky welfare. They need to raise their voice in favor of buffalo. The issue has kicked around enough flak already.

“Buffaloes of the World unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains”

गुमशुदा की तलाश - पापा जल्दी घर लौटें

 (घर-घर मिटटी के चूल्हे हैं, दौर के बुजुर्गों की हालत पर )

मेरे प्यारे पापा जी! पिछली सब बातें भूलकर फौरन घर लौटें. आपकी 'गुडिय़ा' टीटी ने चार दिन से कुछ खाया नहीं है. टीशी बुखार में तप रही है और टीटू स्कूल नहीं जा रहा है. कहता है जब तक ग्रांडपा स्कूल छोडऩे नहीं जाएंगे, मैं स्कूल नहीं जाऊंगा. मिनी ने तो जैसे किचन में जाना ही छोड़ दिया है. ताजी, सस्ती सब्जी तो दूर की बात है, कोई सब्जी लाने वाला ही नहीं है. हम आखिर कब तक होम डिलीवरी पिज्जा खा-खा के गुजारा करेंगे. मेरी भी रातों को अक्सर नींद कई बार खुल जाती है. घर में कोई चोर तो नहीं घुस आया. आप थे तो दरवाजे पर ही सोने से, खांसते रहने से और बार-बार उठ कर टॉयलेट जाने से कोई चोर हिम्मत नहीं करता था. आप तो कॉलोनी का हाल जानते हैं. दिन में ही चोरी हो जाती है. जब से यह स्मैक चली है, चोरों का भी कोई स्टैंडर्ड नहीं रहा है. धूप में बाहर सुखाने डाले गए कपड़े तक उठा ले जाते हैं.

मेरे अच्छे पापाजी! अब देखिए कि झगड़े किस घर में नहीं होते. चार बर्तन हैं तो आपस में टकराएंगे भी. मैं इतना पीछे भी नहीं पड़ता, मगर एक तो ये दो बेडरूम का मकान आपके नाम है, सो खटका-सा ही लगा रहता है कि वो नालायक आर. पी. (राम प्रसाद) कहीं आपको बहका कर न ले गया हो. कहने को तो मेरा बड़ा भाई है, पर सब जानते हैं कि वो कसाई है. मेरी पत्नी मिनी तो उसे एक नजर में ही पहचान गई थी. वह तो यही कहती है, ''तुम तो बड़े भोले हो जी. एक तुम्हारे भाई हैं..." अब जाने दीजिए.

माई पापा बेस्ट! जरा सोचिए, आप जैसे मैच्योर व्यक्ति को ये शोभा देता है? क्या हुआ अगर मिनी हफ्ते में एकाध बार आप से कपड़े धुलवा लेती है तो. आखिर आपकी बेटी-सी ही है न. क्या ऐसे रूठ जाते हैं. आप ही तो कहा करते हैं- हम सब को मेहनत करनी चाहिए. ये क्या? आप तो जरा-सी मेहनत से ही घबरा के भाग खड़े हुए. आपको पता भी है आपके जाने के बाद मिनी मुझे कैसे-कैसे ताने दे रही है.

माई पापा स्ट्रॉंगेस्ट! बुरा न मानिएगा, आपने तो मेरी नाक ही कटा दी. जरा मिनी के कपड़े धो देते तो क्या बिगड़ जाता आपका. आखिर मशीन से ही तो धोने थे. अब ये पचास हजार की मशीन भी आपके बिना पड़े-पड़े सड़ रही है. हमारी नहीं तो इस मशीन की खातिर ही लौटे आइये.

ओ मेरे स्वीट पापा! ये आप वाला जमाना नहीं है. आपको पता है न, नौकर कितने महंगे मिलते हैं. सबसे बड़ी बात- भरोसे के नहीं मिलते मेरे डार्लिंग पापा! अब लौट भी आइये. क्या अपने इस जिगर के टुकड़े को ऐसे ही मंझधार में छोंड़ देंगे. देखिए! देखिए! आप सचमुच बहुत खुदगर्ज हैं. अभी तक मिनी मुझसे यह कहती थी तो मुझे यकीन नहीं आता था. मैं उसकी इस बात को गंभीरता से नहीं लेता था. मगर अब जबकि आपको गए हुए महीना होने को आया मुझे भी शक पडऩे लगा है कि आप वो मेरे पहले वाले पापा नहीं रहे.

अब देखिए न! सब्जी लाना, गेहूं पिसाना, दूध लाना, घर की रखवाली, आप नहीं करेंगे तो क्या कोई बाहरवाला गैर करेगा. पूरा का पूरा घर आपका है और आप ही ने तो चलाना है. अब आपका घर, आप ही चलाएं, तो बुरा क्या है? क्या ऐसे भी कोई अपना ही घर छोड़ के जाता है. आपने तो हमें पाठ पढ़ाया था- आदमी को कभी भी अपनी जिम्मेदारियों से मुंह नहीं मोडऩा चाहिए. कभी-भी मैदान छोड़कर नहीं भागना चाहिए. अब देखिए न डैड- आपनेे ये क्या किया. सच पूछो तो मैं कॉलोनी में कहीं भी मुंह दिखाने लायक नहीं रहा. मिनी की सारी सहेलियां भी किटी पार्टी, कार्ड पार्टी, जिम, क्लब, कॉकटेल में इतना मजाक बनाती हैं कि सहा नहीं जाता.

माई सुपरमैन पापा! आपको बुढ़ापे में ये क्या सूझा? पापा जल्दी घर आ जाओ. घर सूना-सूना है. पता है महीने भर में ही घर के कोने-कोने में मकड़ी ने जाले बना लिए हैं. आप थे तो बांस लेकर आए दिन खिड़की पर, छज्जे पर चढ़े रहते थे. मजाल है आपके रहते एक भी मकड़ी जाला बना पाती.

आदरणीय पापाजी! आपके जाने के बाद कमरों की हालत मुझसे तो देखी नहीं जाती. आप थे तो कितने प्यार से रगड़-रगड़ कर फ्लोर साफ करते थे. मिनी तो मजाक में कह भी देती थी कि तुम्हारी फैमिली में पापा जैसा फर्श कोई भी साफ नहीं कर सकता. देखो पापा. एक हम हैं जो हर फोरम में आपकी तारीफ करते नहीं थकते. एक आप हैं कि इस बेरूखी से पेश आए हैं. अब देखिए न पापाजी. मम्मी जी जब तक जिन्दा थीं, तो कभी हमने आपको फर्श साफ करने को कहा? कभी नहीं न. याद है पापा. मम्मी कैसे खुद ही मिनी के सोकर उठने से पहले चौका-बरतन, झाड़ू-बुहारी कर लेती थीं. कुछ सीखिए मम्मी जी से! अपने घर के काम में शर्म कैसी. यूं तो जितने मुंह उतनी बातें.

मेरे श्रीयुत श्रद्धेय पापा जी की आयु ८० वर्ष है. आंखों से कम दिखता है. (चश्मा टूट गया था) हाथ कांपते हैं. मैला कुरता-पायजामा और टूटी चप्पल पहने हैं. सुराग देनेवाले अथवा पहुंचाने वाले को उचित इनाम दिया जाएगा. पूज्य पापा, आप जल्दी घर लौट आओ. पुरानी बातें सब भूल जाओ. आपको कोई कुछ नहीं कहेगा.
(अमृत प्रभात, इलाहाबाद में प्रकाशित )

Thou Shall Not Play for Medal

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By now we have got used to the sight of our sports persons returning empty handed, Olympic after Olympic. They do not return all that empty handed. They bring kit bag full of imported goodies which they try to pass through green channel. This is called win-win situation. They return not in a team but individually, landing in wee hours.

            We can not blame our players for not winning any medals. How? I can explain. The fault dear readers, lie in our stars. Over the ages we have been made to believe and practice Karma theory, i.e. you do your Karma (deeds) and do not long for fruits (results). Therefore, O blessed one you do go to Olympics, who stops you? You do participate in Olympics, nothing stops you, but let medal not be your sole aim. Don't run after gold, silver these are all evil metals, blind the beholder with their dazzle and are root of all evils.   

            What is life? It is as fragile and short-lived as a soap bubble. Here today, gone tomorrow. Then why this running around. What are you jumping at and what are you pole vaulting for. Remove envy from your heart. Let your heart be cleansed of all the evil feelings of greed and competition. Instead let it be filled with love and compassion. The one whose heart is pure shall meet the Lord. Perceive it this way, how does it matter if you have not won. Brazil has won. Aren't they your brothers?

            The World is a big family and its foundations are  love and brotherhood. Vasudhev Kutumbakam (The earth is my family).

            There is a country by the name Slovakia. They too win several medals. Are we 'slower' than them. If you want to locate this spirited nation on the world map it would be as difficult as to locate numberless officials who accompany the Indian contingent to 'coordinate arrangements'.  The funny thing was when some players desired to meet their coordinators they were snubbed with the remarks that due to international terrorism coordinators', locations have been kept a closely guarded secret.

            Moreover, going strictly by the book, they are frequently moving. Here today,  shopping in some other neighboring country tomorrow. Day after, in bermuda shorts among the bikini clad tourists on the beach to avoid any suspicion.

            In this land of peace and non-violence we are pained and agonized deep down below when we are asked to go for the 'kill'. Medal or no medal but killing instinct no baba no. Look at wrestling, first our wrestlers have to grapple at home, to get their names included in contingent. I'm told wrestling with nepotism and red-tapism, our wrestlers had already lost their stamina.

            Keeping in view the size and civilization of our country, Olympic mandarins can be requested to expand and add variety to their MDS (Medal Distribution System). They can be suggested to devise Iron, Wood, Tin Leather Cardboard and paper medals - It is felt that if you are going across the seven seas, must come with some medals. Papa papa aye! Hamare liye kya laye? (Papa is back home what has he brought for us).

            History of hockey is history of India's rise and fall in sports arena, more fall than rise. I suggest like iron curtain countries India should keep off all the sports events for a decade or two. During this time India should concentrate its efforts, impart rigorous training and practice. After twenty years India can re-enter with a thundering bang. That is the time when one can hope to see India's name among the top few in the medal tally.

            How is it that our officials in the contingent out number the players. Is it due to some typographical error that a zero or two are added inadvertently. May be we still believe this princely state (of affairs) has not been abolished yet, so one can go on.

            India is a country living off basically on donations, grants-in-aid, loans, friendly gestures in the form of road-over bridges and city buses from the countries better off than us. Hence, there is a suggestion that countries who win dozens of medals can willingly donate few medals to us as grant in aid purely as a friendly and charitable gesture.

            In return we can give them yoga and Moksha.

            I hear cricket has been included in Olympics. Similarly, I appeal to Indian federation of Olympics to seriously take up the cause of including following events so that India can outshine others.

Rape:
Can be team events, solo, double, mixed double, whatever, but our team will surpass them all.

Murders:
Indoor as well as outdoor events can be organized. Blue line buses with trained drivers can do wonders.

Scams:
Need I say more. We are sure to win gold all the way in all the events be it sugar, fodder, urea, allotment of petrol pump, gas agency and Govt.quarters. Many countries will gives us ‘walk over’ acknowledging our supremacy.

Bribery:
Junior and senior events can be there (based on status, not age) with the underlying theme who can 'Eat More and Digest Faster'

Meter Manipulation :
Autorikshaws, taxi, electric and telephone meters can be included.

Adulteration:
Another game where world wonders at our skill and achievements. They can have any event, open challenge. However, we are sure to excel in the areas of petrol, milk, mustard oil, country liquor, pulses, spices, tea, ghee, etc.

            Similarly, other games can be thought of where we are on the firmer footing. I am confident India's glory can be restored. There can be such a down pour of gold medals that the day is not far off when India will again be known as Sone-Ki-Chiriya

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SATIRE- - MISSING DAD COME SOON

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( ill treatment of parents due to one reason or the other is rampant and surprisingly cuts across geographical,economic and financial divide)

 My dear Papaji,

Forgive and forget.  Please bury the past and return home immediately.  You know your doll ‘Teetee’ hasn’t eaten a morsel in past four days.  Teetee is running high fever and Teetu refuses to go to school without grandpa chaperoning. Mini hasn’t stepped in the kitchen ever since you left without any information whatsoever.  Forget fresh and the cheaper, there is none to fetch veggies at all.  How long one can survive eating home delivery pizza. Dad! Your going like this is a nightmare for me.  Fearing housebreak I wake up several times in the middle of night.  When you were there your bed near the main gate was such a relief.  Moreover, your constant coughing spasms and frequent rounds to toilet were such a potent weapon against any theft.  These were more than enough to ward off the bravest of thieves.  You know how common the thefts are in our colony.  Thefts are taking place during the broad day itself.   Thieves are left with no moral standards only; they make good their escape even with wet clothes left in courtyard for drying up.

          My sweet Papaji, you see which household is free from petty squabbles.  As they say if four utensils are there in kitchen they are bound to clatter.  I would not have insisted so much for your return but for the fact that this two BHK house is in your name.  I always have this lurking apprehension that this no good RP might have misled you.  Though he is my elder brother but who doesn’t know he is less a brother more a butcher.  Mini could know him in one glance.  She always tells me “you are such a naive… learn something from your brother”. 

          My Papa best!  Just think, does it augur well for a mature man like you?  So what if you were asked to wash Mini’s clothes once in a while.  Isn’t she like your own daughter?  Didn’t you always teach us to work hard?  What is this? You know how Mini is taunting ever since.

          My Papa strongest! Don’t mind it.  I am not able to show my face at home.  As they say, you have cut my nose.  You think it was such a big deal to wash Mini’s garments, that too, in washing machine.  Now this imported washing machine of fifty thousand is just lying idle.  Please come back, if not for us at least for machine’s sake.

          My sweet Papa! Times have changed.  You know how costly domestic help are these days.  Moreover, you don’t get trusted ones any more. 

          My darling Papa! Enough is enough, please return.  Would you leave your own son… your own blood in lurch like this?  You can’t be so mean.  Although Mini always suspected your selfish ways but I didn’t take her seriously.  Now that you are gone for a month, I am beginning to believe her.  You are not the same old Papa of mine.  Now you see!  Buying veggies carting grocery, bringing milk, baby sitting and caretaking ones own household is no work.  Even if it is a work, if not you, the owner, who else will do it.  I fail to understand what is wrong in doing ones own work.  How can one run away from ones own home.  You forgot what you preached us “one should never turn away ones back from responsibilities”.  See dad! What have you done?  Truly speaking due to you I am ashamed to show my face in the colony.  All the friends of Mini in kitty party, card party, gym, club and cocktail pass sarcastic remarks.  My superman papa! What has gone into you in this ripe age?  Please come back soon.  It’s so very lonely without you.  Are you aware, our house is full of cobwebs and cockroaches,  When you were there every other day you would be seen cleaning the cobwebs clinging precariously from windows.  With you around, no spider or cockroach could cross our path.

          Adorable Papaji! After you left, the rooms present such a sorry sight. The way you would scrub floor leaving each room shining like mirror.  Mini always used to joke “… in your family no one can clean the floor like Papa does”.  You see Papa!  We leave no forum where we do not go gaga admiring you while you chose to leave us low and fry.  So long mom was alive did we ever ask you to clean up the floor…? Never!  Remember Pa! How mom used to get up early in the morning, complete all household chores much before Mini got up.  You didn’t learn a single lesson from mom.  Why should one hesitate doing ones own home work.

          My respected Papaji is eighty years of age.  His eye sight is failing (spectacles had broken) hands tremble, is wearing untidy Kurta Payjama and much repaired pair of slippers.  Any one offering clue leading to him will be amply rewarded.  Dearest Papaji, please come soon.  None would say anything to you.  Please forget and forgive.  You forget, we forgive.

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BALD IS BEAUTIFUL

Bald is Beautiful

(baldies world over undergo this anxiety..trauma.. and finally re-conciliation)
Happy go lucky, prosperous, sexy, brainy, wealthy - these are all synonyms for a balding man in our Indian society. As the hair fall sets in your well wishers greet you " so getting rich eh.. amassing wealth .. lady luck has all smiles for you " These sayings provide an emotional support system lest you feel depressed and frustrated seeing your hair fall and not able to do a thing. All your attempts to arrest hair loss or regain the precious hair already lost miserably fail. I hear in Western Countries there are formal baldy clubs where baldy members sit together and joke around about haired people, but that is west and they can run clubs for anything under the sun. The prospects of any such club succeeding in India are as thin as the receding hair line which heralds the way for a full fledged bald in times to come. We Indians have a tendency to ridicule well meaning institutions for example SPCH (Society for Prevention of Cruelty over Husbands) gone defunct, we prefer to suffer in silence, till death do us part.

Bespectacled persons in India, normally, indicate a well read man who read and wrote so much that optician had to come to his rescue. Similarly, a bald head symbolizes wealth and wisdom, Cool!

When the news of my rapid hair fall spread among the near and dear ones they took upon themselves the noble task of sympathizing/empathizing with me. Number of advices, talisman, desi prescriptions piled up. A doctor friend wanted me to immediately visit city hospital and meet Head of Skin Department, when I insisted for an introduction letter he reassured that it was not necessary and a mere look will suffice. I was much impressed till I had set my eyes on the HOD - he was completely bald. I took refuge in 'Homeopathy'. In India certain diseases are very popular their cure are equally popular and in demand e.g.. Weight reduction, turning Grey hair, black, enhancing your sexual abilities, increasing your height, turning your skin fair (hence, lovely) and begetting a male child. Re-growing lost hair is one similar enterprise.

Initially, whatever one suggested I lapped on to it and eagerly followed the entire procedure with religious fervor and precision. From applying the black ash of earthen oven (chulha), cucumber pulp, juice of radish mixed with onion juice to no less than seventeen types of hair oil but of little avail. Then somebody suggested I should go for a complete head shave on alternate days that too in reverse direction i.e. razor moving forehead down to scalp. The barbers of the saloon became quite friendly with me and seeing me coming they could hardly suppress their smiles. I felt awkward in the beginning but soon I adopted a sort of philosophical attitude towards the problem.

When a family visited us on the occasion of Mundan Ceremony (first head shave of the infant) of my daughter, their six year old daughter asked me Uncle you have given total head shave to Asmita but then why you have got yours cut in design. Little did she know that men do not go bald in one go. They do so in phases creating interesting designs, shapes of geometry. Which country's map gets carved out on your head, no body can predict. Once I read about a wonder oil from Kerala. I immediately sent my application as instructed in the ad. Pat came the printed reply they were glad to inform me that I have been wait listed and my order will be delivered in the year 2006. I was not discouraged. I found a way out, M.P. quota. Six bottles materialized promptly. They lasted three months. Those three months were full of euphoria and I kept preparing/amending list of things to be done after I get back my young dashing looks, people all along made me believe with hair loss I lost my youth and dash too. But alas! Six bottles could not produce even six hair on my scalp. Thus, lot of sweet and sour experiences I underwent in my unsuccessful attempts to re-grow hair on my scalp.

One oil ad, I must mention, as a precaution that utmost care be taken while applying this oil. Gloves (sold with oil) should be used as there have been complaints of hair growth on user's palm. Manufacturer will not be responsible for any such accident, they warned, I was thrilled, at last my crowning glory will be restored. I dreamt of latest hair style I would adopt but as the saying goes I remained as bald as egg so all my efforts terminated in a blind alley and scalp remained smooth as egg.

Recently, I came across a blow up of a baldy with the caption Bald is beautiful, I was filled with gratitude that when no blow up other than Juhi Chawlas and Govindas are in demand somebody has been thoughtful about we baldies.

Think of it, being bald does have its sunny side. Whatever hair style be in fashion a baldy doesn't have to bother. My all time favorite is Anupam Kher. I wish the fashion of being bald should take my country or at least city by storm and stay that way. Sporting hair should become outdated, old fashioned and be declared unhygienic by city, municipal authorities. Wow we baldies will be ruling the fashion scene - naturally.

A bald man is a rich man - the saying is not for nothing. A baldy saves on oil, shampoo, combs, hair brushes and dye. Money saved is money earned. Some green horn baldies try to unsuccessfully cover their clean shining bald head with strange looking wigs. They miserably fail to create any impression except being repulsive. Tell me honestly if one is not endowed with enough hair on one's face to pass as beard or mustache does one go around wearing artificial beard or mustache, of course not, I hate any such attempt to fool around with the divine gift. In this field I am genuinely impressed by the candidness of our cine actresses of today who unabashedly proclaim from roof top "if God has gifted us why should not we show it to the world".

Baldies have been great people. They were bald so they were great or they were great so they were bald, dispute is as trivial as whether egg came first or chicken came first. Let us not waste time. Be it known that as is the relationship between egg and chicken so is the relationship between being bald and being great. Nehrus, Gandhis and Patels, the list is endless. You know the rich and famous bold and not so bold, statesman and real intellectuals have been bald. Why ladies don't go bald like men. (No comments). One did go and became world famous (Persis Khambatta)

During our teens, barber's visit to our household was a weekly affair. All brothers would be lined up for a ceremonial crew cut. My dad would personally oversee the arrangements with visible fulfillment. On the contrary, when I went bald in course of time (I must confess the course has been rather too short) my mother would apply the latest prepared paste, potion or any other oil concoction on my scalp and cry, for a baldy groom ( I was unmarried) appears over aged beside would not fetch a decent dowry in the marriage market.

I firmly believe and my sincere advise to all baldy brethren is - don't waste your hard earned money on oils, tonics, grafting, weaving, wig,, etc. all these are rackets run by haired to rob we poor hair nots.

– ( from the collection BALD IS BEAUTIFUL 2000 )
Published in Alive March 2000

AN OPEN LETTER TO AIRBORNE MINISTER

An Open Letter to
Airborne Minister

 ( a real incident when due to bandobast for Home Minister's motorcade, students could not reach examination hall in time and missed the exam, HM was so 'moved' he declared henceforth, he 'll travel only by chopper just to save 'inconvenience' to general public.)

Sir ji,

A communique from your office has proclaimed that you were visibly moved when apprised how hundreds of students could not reach to the examination center in time causing loss of one academic year. Why they could not reach in time because your over-enthu Security had the roads blocked, erecting barricades all along the route of your journey. Hence, poor students were delayed beyond redemption. Come to think of it, what is one year in the life of a great nation of a billion people. But no ! kind hearted that you are, you immediately declared your deepest concern and determination to save the poor from the woes of road-blocks .Hence, the unavoidable and painful decision of traveling by helicopter with immediate effect even for local journeys. How very considerate of you. In this KALIYUGA you are compassion personified. You are simply incarnation of the God Himself on this earth. Blessed is the holy land i.e. India studded by AVTARS like you.


People are blabbering and indulging in loose talking questioning your decision to travel by helicopter in a poor country like ours. They are kill-joys. Most of we Indians are like that, what to do. We are ignorant that in India particularly in Delhi anybody when becomes somebody defies laws of gravitation and floats two feet above the ground. Ground beneath his feet is no better that Ground-zero. Helicopter is just about o.k. in keeping with your status. You could have opted for RATHYATRAS but to convert it to your suave taste and security requirements it would have cost a fortune. You are the guardian and custodian of the national exchequer. You are not the type to indulge in opulence and flaunt mindlessly least of all upon yourself. Another technical snag is RATHAS are known to be very slow, though our entire nation is slow and people have frantically taken to fast food in the fond hope of becoming fast. The bottom line is you have opted for helicopter in national interest and not for any love for joy-ride frolics. You have no dearth when it comes to fulfillment of whims and fancies. But as ever, you are inspired by simple living and high thinking dictum. Only two things, one, welfare of people, two safeguard of national interest are closer and dearer to your heart. Silly people keep disputing and confusing between national interest and interest of your sons, daughters, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law etc. etc. How mean !.


O Master ! wretched public of our country is just a thankless lot. Little do they realize that by opting for helicopter you have saved them from countless traffic jams. You think these Indians will ever be able to payback THIS debt, what to talk of repaying foreign debt.


O Soft-hearted one ! by opting for chopper you have reduced seventeen cars of your motorcade thereby saving fuel. In keeping with the latest fad you have not only shown concern towards pollution control but also a serious initiative has been taken in this direction. Imagine poisonous fumes emanating from seventeen cars and a cute, state-of art helicopter on the other hand. Nation will always remember with gratitude your farsighted decision.


O King of kings ! helicopter ride has several other advantages e.g. the national  skyline is always under your watchful eyes. No undesirable ,Unidentified Flying Object dare enter the Indian skies when you are on prowl er..patrol. Indian skies will be under constant vigil and India will be saved of ever culprit Foreign hand. O Lotus eyed ! if at all you see any alien sneaking around you will locate and liquidate like Flash Garden. O Lord of Lords ! you are Phantom, Mandrake, Flash Garden all rolled in one and possess latest Mask too. Indeed another advantage of helicopter ride is you are saved from unsavory site of heaps and holes that is heaps of rubbish and pot holes. Municipal committee always starved of funds is also saved from frequent repairs, refurbishing and whitewashing of the buildings, pavements and roads. Imagine the amount of revenue saved on this account alone. Poor you ! what more a solitary minister do for his motherland .Traveling by chopper will keep you off from hazardous pollution . We realize A healthy mind resides in a healthy body. Thus, O Visionary of visionaries you can save your energy, compassion and composure to address intricate national problems. You can, thus, evolve newer and unique schemes to amass more and more wealth say just about sufficient to last few generations. O Ocean of wisdom ! how can we fathom your know-how in this field. We live below poverty Rekha. In fact we have heard only of one Rekha. She lives in Mumbai and is said to be quite rich, but that is  another story.


O Holiest of holy ! I can foresee a trifle anomaly here, while traveling by road medicos and paramedics shadow you in a luxurious medical van in tow with ambulances, loads of life saving drugs, oxygen and blood taken away from your loyal subjects (who else ?) I doubt, whether a chopper can have such customized modifications. Therefore, I suggest and demand that another helicopter equipped with necessary medical apparatus should follow you wherever you go. What are few crores, after all it is health of our leader which is at stake. If leader is healthy nation is healthy .Simple enough.


O Exalted one ! another benefit of helicopter ride is you will not be harassed by hawkers, eunuchs and beggars who inevitably appear on traffic signals and pester you unending. These beggars and mendicants keep devising novel ways to extort alms. Often these very people show sleight of their hands in flicking away your purse, cell phone and other valuables from your vehicles. We may pass off the whole thing attributing it to Foreign hand but O Enlightened one ! you know it is no foreign hand but our very own indigenous hand so very apt in briefcase and chain snatching Voice of meek ! we do not want your energy to be frittered away in dealing with such lowly creatures. You have to conserve your energy for greater and bigger good of humanity and not squander in combating frivolity of these sub-human criminals. Combating reminds me of the incident when a soldier got waylaid and unwittingly entered your motorcade .Your ever alert security guards thrashed him blue and black. The soldier later confessed never been subjected to such a third degree torture even at the hands of enemy in POW. camp. Last heard he (soldier) was nursing multiple fractures together with few broken ribs. Police was still inquiring into his possible links with terrorist outfits. O Savior of saviours ! come to think of it, you have really spared countrymen from so much manhandling. Can they ever return this favor. These blockheads do not understand the simple dictum Their safety lies in your safety


O Omniscient ! India is a large country with innumerable diversities. There is never a time when earthquake, drought, flood and/or train accident is not there in one part or the other of this vast motherland. While you are airborne it becomes so very convenient to De-tour and accomplish on-the-spot site inspection before taking U turn for capital. Home is where heart is and heart is where hearth is.


O Omnipotent ! helicopter is not only the indicator of your advancement but of entire nation. Worst of foes will admit the strides you and the country has made and commanding heights achieved under your leadership. Gone are the days of bullock cart and padyatras .No use glorifying poverty. High time we stopped this senseless allegory of poverty. The times has arrived to tell the world that prosperity is not the patrimony of America. India too is a rich country inhabited by prosperous people (see the latest listing in Forbes) If White house can boast of a helipad so can our backyard. We are not a wee bit less. Since ancient times our great sages such as Charvak had insisted to drink GHEE even if one has to beg, borrow or steal. Think big, think global, these are the time of globalization.


O Omnipresent ! I have never stepped into a chopper but have heard that it rattles and makes terrible noise similar to opposition parties. You have to engage some worthy mechanism so that this worthless chopper is suitably neutralized or gagged.


Hail Minister ! Hail Helicopter !


Your worthless
Aspiring Airworthy


P.S. O Invincible ! please do not forget your one and only true Underling. Do keep me by your side. I will run errand, carry Your Pan masala box. You are aware of my expertise in Carting your wares be it image, propaganda or box. Ain't I Carrying your ballot box since 1952. 


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