satire: Return of Kohinoor

 

 

In my India great, patriotism of citizens rises like waves in sea during high tide, both sudden and short-lived. It remains dormant and soon after again returns to hibernation. There is a call from such ‘awakened’ people: O Gora Sahibs! Please return our Kohinoor. Kohinoor is the heritage of our nation. Give it back to us. Give us our heritage, Baba! Listen to the poor, God shall bless you. You will give one Kohinoor; God will bestow ‘Ten lakh’ Kohinoors to you. Kohinoor, is our national pride. Give us back our pride. Suppose, one fine morning, British took pity on us and mercifully decide to return our Kohinoor to us.  What will happen in our country? How will we react? First of all, there will be a clash between leaders and officials as to who will go to collect it? Foreign Minister or Prime Minister? Minister of Defense or Minister of Mines? The other junior officials shall also jump on to the bandwagon with a copy of their seniority list. Chief Secretary, Secretary, Joint Secretary would go? Women will go or they will have to wait for implementation of reservation policy for them? Diamond is Woman's best friend. Police will go with the delegation or military/para military?  Bringing Kohinoor is not a garden walk. For us, it is no less than Mission Impossible.

 

The issue was discussed in the Cabinet and a 53-member ‘mini delegation’ was finalized due to Govt sponsored economy measures going on. The nominated 153 members had to be cut short to 53. Representatives of political parties, Chamber of Commerce, Ally partner political parties, Leader of Opposition, Women, Backward and Forwards were included. Some athletes and players were left out of the list, roaming around making noise and accusing them of nepotism. It has been decided that the entire ‘Lashkar’ will go for a month by a chartered flight. They will also take stock of the security arrangements of the museum in London and other European cities so that a report can be submitted to the government here. A new team is busy shopping/preparing to go for the necessary training to write report. It has all the honourable members who were pushed out of the original 153 members.

 

In the next cabinet meeting, there was heated discussion hovering around ugly scuffle as to which day Kohinoor should land on the soil of India. On the birthday of the party president of the ruling party or on the anniversary of the Leader of Opposition. For several days, astrologers, numerologists and tarot card readers continued to make splash. Rationalists kept shouting that Kohinoor can land on any day. Even if it is not brought, What's the difference?

 

Communists said Kohinoor is a symbol of feudalist and bourgeois thought. Thinking of bringing it, is an anti-labour idea. We have been saying from the beginning that this government is anti-labour. If not, then look at the sample. All these are useless. There are inverted expenses in this rising inflation. One party says that this government is Manuwadi, we all knew that now it has become Kohinoorwadi. Who extracted Kohinoor from the mine, the poor ever-exploited mine workers, therefore, his party has the first right to Kohinoor. There was a different kind of controversy fanning in Maharashtra. Shivaji Maharaj fought Mughals all his life, hence, we will not tolerate if Kohinoor is taken to any other province. If Kohinoor does not come back to us, we will chase and beat the Non-Marathi sending them back to the province they came from.

 

There is a different discussion about where Kohinoor will be kept. Certainly, not in Delhi. It disappeared from Delhi only. Keeping Kohinoor in Delhi is like giving invitation to the robbers “...Please come and rob us”. Nadir shah will come later, before that the insiders will do a ‘clean job’ Then you may do, what you are best at, set up an inquiry commission.

 

Due to our fondness for indulging in disputes viz. water dispute, dam dispute, border dispute, pollution controversy, sports dispute, government is seriously thinking let sleeping dog lie. Let Kohinoor be where it is. Why should it be brought here?  There is no dearth of heritage or controversies in our own motherland, why import another one. Yes, in case, opposition wants, it can ignite and keep fueling the fire till next general election, calling us traitors and self-appointing themselves as the true protector of diverse Indian culture, rich legacy and glorious history. Topics which have seldom disappointed since 1947.