Humor ----HIS HOLINESS SRI SRI KALMADI--- AN OPEN LETTER

                                                                          

O Exalted! King of kings, Bravest of braves, most gracious one, Savior of mankind, most shining jewel of India, kindly accept my tributes and omniscience 77 thousand crore times.

O Holiest of hollies! What on earth am I hearing? These ignoble worthless earthlings are maligning your sterling name by blaming you of embezzlement. They are imbecile downright idiots. We are a nation of not merely 'three idiots' but 1.25 billion. The world history has no example where any one could ever spit at lofty sky?

O Enlightened one! Pray! Have compassion towards them. Forgive them for they know not what they are doing. It was solely your kalmadian efforts... Imagine the hazard and peril in going around door to door to no less than 77 countries and bribing your way through so as to bring home the Glory of Games. For whom? Certainly not for your parochial interests. It was for the sheer honor of our motherland. A sport, any sports, is not the business of feeble hearts. It was indeed your valor, your love for currency...er country that an event of this magnitude could not only be conceived but almost delivered too. Remember no child birth can be without labor pains. Left to dishonest uncouth and uneducated politicians, India couldn’t have even bid for the games. We along with our coming generations will remain forever indebted to you, for future generations would scarcely believe that such a man ever walked in flesh, beard and blood on Delhi’s pot holed earth. 

O Ocean of compassion! You are so immensely forgiving. In your limitless bounty all your critics have either been bought & silenced or located & liquidated. Large hearted that you are, these minions and mannequins of men can bring no harm to you. You are divine. They are heretics and will be made to pay for this blasphemy in next flood, drought or death whichever visits them earliest. Kindly do not bother about critics, (they are not worth it) lest it distracts you from the onerous task of bringing more and more name, fame and Natashas for the nation. Let them bark. It does not augur well, His Highness! For your elated stature to respond to every Arnab, Aiyer and likes. They simply lack sportsman spirit. You see when a foot over bridge collapsed; the world press was at our door desperately begging for 'byte', adverse publicity is better than no publicity at all. You know it. The all knowledgeable one!

O Master of masters! In India we adore and worship things living or dead, two legged or four legged. In keeping with this ancient tradition you had kept hundreds of dogs in the games village. Your adversaries devoid of any kindness and compassion handed them over to dog catchers. I can understand the hurt it must have caused to you sir. Trust me sir! Every dog has his day. Who would know it better than you, the all knowledgeable one!

O Soft hearted! Just a couple of snakes and what disproportionate dust and din were raised by non-believers.

We Indians have an image, an image which is larger than life. After all we live for and more often die for the image so very meticulously created, nurtured and protected. We are a nation of 'snake charmers' we are the 'brand ambassador' of snakes in the world. For us, they are not merely viper, boa or cobra, for us they are the holy deity. To be seen by them, to see them, feed milk to them, to be blessed or bitten by them, all are pious omen indicating our desire will be fulfilled. Now the snakes have been caught and so very humiliatingly chased away from the games village, I am not sure what may befall upon sports and sports persons. None can blame you. You did whatever was in your command to see India creep through this game. More appropriate would have been to do mass worship of snakes, feeding them and to seek their blessings every morning before each event.

O Omnipotent! Just one bridge collapse and what noise these rattlers made. They are constantly in denial mode. They refuse to reform and improve. These ignorant fools know not that this entire universe is one big illusion. There is nothing permanent in this world. We are all mortals. Being immortal is a myth. You wanted to spread and carry forward our national message to humanity ‘the world is illusion; I am the Brahm' True sir! They do not deserve such pearls of wisdom. They are not yet prepared to face the ultimate Truth which we discovered centuries ago. How does it matter whether my money, my wealth is with me or with you? We are preached ages after ages, by  sages after sages ‘ if money is lost nothing is lost.... what’s money after all...its dirt of hands’. For us thankless creatures you so very cheerfully volunteered to take away all our, the taxpayers’ money  thereby protecting us from uncomfortable questions... Where to invest it....where to laundry it...where to hide it.   In one stroke you have got us Indians rid of this worry. We are grateful to you; you have brought a kind of salvation for us. No money, no worry.

O Lotus feet! Your disciples have given befitting reply that their hygiene standards are different than ours. We take bath twice a day while they bathe once in two years. They don’t even brush their teeth, instead gargle with mouthwash. Swipe toilet paper and these ‘unclean’ preach us what cleanliness is all about. India is the ancient civilization, our town planning was immaculate, and a model for the world till greed overtook us. Post greed, again we have lots of things to share with ones who value and care. ‘Make Mumbai, Shanghai’ you see this simple three word mantra has immensely helped us to create and pocket massive wealth, besides giving another term to the Govt.

O Omnipresent! What are they shouting at “cot broken... bed caved in” they have no inkling that sports is not merely about games, its kind of a psychological warfare. It is part of your tactical strategy to win. It is all for bringing down the morale of other competing teams. Everything is fair in love and war. Let the world know India has such strong sportsman who when even casually sit on the bed, the bed  can not bear their splendor and collapse by their sheer halo and body weight .You really think you can face such valiant race. I suggest you better Run for your life.  Thus, due to hygiene or security (rather lack of it) and mosquitoes, team after teams is giving India a skip. We are bound to better our position in medal tally this time.

O Omniscient! What more can you, a lone and sole do for the motherland? Awake, arise and rest not till the goal is achieved. Seventy seven thousand crore sounds little odd. How about rounding it off to the nearest hundred thousand crores.

O Divine one! Which is the country in the world, you have not taken pains to fly off to, towards what end? Look at these Indians; they are making issue out of tissue paper... Small people...Smaller thinking. What else can you expect from those who live from one DA installment to another? They have no idea what are 77 thousand crores. Stupid they are, if you ask them to write 77 thousand crores, I bet they can not write it correctly, will skip few zeroes.

O Blessed one! You rightly promised “I will give you good games" now why one should be looking into the account books. You are going to give them games, they will not forget for generations to come. You are not aware but you have established new benchmark in the areas directly and remotely linked with sports. Generations to come will look up to you for inspiration. The performance of future sports organizers, if any, will be assessed with you as the IDEAL and 2010 as the BASE YEAR. For example toilet paper cost 4000/- in the year 2010 now how much? AC was hired for one and a half lakhs for ten days in 2010 now how much would not tantamount to too much. 

 O Virtuous! You will go down in the annals of sports history of India for more things than one. You will have a prominent place in the roll of honor be it for  toilet roll, balloon, AC, dogs, snakes, pan stains, foot over bridge, cot, cars and treadmill rentals. You are indeed the true visionary sir. ISI mark is a passé, latest is KSI.

O Invincible!  We are condemned to helplessly watch your 'game', generation after generation. However, full honors to you, for CWG 2010 has given us two mascots; one a man eater and the other money eater.