satire : Beedi and Rape

                                         

 

I used to believe that beedis and rape had nothing in common. But recently, I’ve discovered they share a surprisingly deep connection — one that our great moral guardians have just uncovered.

 

You see, when the chief of a certain political party was sent to jail on charges of rape, his community held an urgent council. In India it is common to have Community Councils or Caste councils esp.in rural India. After hours of deep and smoky deliberation, the elders reached a unanimous conclusion:

“How can he commit rape when he doesn’t even smoke a beedi?”

That, my friends, is what we call scientific reasoning — indigenous psychology at its finest. From this revelation, several truths emerge automatically. For example, we must beware of all beedi smokers — for who knows when one of them, mid-puff, might lose control of his moral thermostat and slip into crime! The situation could be even more alarming if a respectable lady happens to be smoking a beedi nearby — men should tread carefully, lest the nicotine turns on the hunter in them.

 

Curiously, the village council never specified which brand of beedi releases ‘rape-inducing nicotine’ and which one produces ‘sanskari (culturally pure) smoke’

 

In our childhood, there were many legendary brands — the brand 22, brand 27, and the heroic Pahalwan Beedi with the picture of a semi-naked wrestler flexing his chest on the packet giving impression that smoking Pahalwan beedi would gift you a wrestler’s physique.

 

Then there was the famous brand 501. I can’t confirm what happened to smokers, but bonded child labour rolling those tendu leaves turning them into beedi certainly faced all kinds of exploitation. 

 

Even Bollywood couldn’t resist adding fuel to the flame. Remember that sultry song “Beedi Jalai le Jigar Se Piya” The lady is proclaiming that grief of separation or may be the longing of meeting her love has her very liver turned into ember convincing her lover he could light his beedi. If that isn’t symbolic of dangerous chemistry, what is it? Clearly, there’s more than a casual spark between beedi and lust crime. The village elders, in their infinite wisdom, were right again.

 

Now, this groundbreaking argument has opened a new chapter for the courts. Defence lawyers may soon argue:

“Your Honour, my client does not smoke beedis— therefore, he is biologically incapable of rape!” This, of course, will revolutionize jurisprudence and publicity campaigns. Imagine the creative taglines:

“Our Beedis are 100% Free from Rape bacteria, now fitted with Japanese Technology Filter; Criminal Impulse will not enter your physiology or psychology. Meanwhile, the black market will flood with underground Beedis of Lust, and the government will launch nationwide campaign:

Statutory Warning: Beedi Promotes Rape. Say No to Beedi, Say Yes to Sanskaari beedi. Manufactured under strict observation of Govt.

 

No one knows how the court finally ruled in that politician’s case — whether his non-smoking habits saved him or otherwise. But if the logic held, the judgment must have read something like this:

 “Since Prosecution has failed to establish beyond all reasonable doubts that the accused ever smoked a beedi, he is hereby honourable acquitted of all charges of rape.” 

 

What a sight those trials would be! The prosecution would call witnesses who would swear they saw the accused puffing away in public. Then, like in every other Hindi courtroom drama, the defence lawyer would burst in as the justice is about to announce, “Objection! My Lord! I have owned the only shop in vicinity for twenty years, and this man has never bought a beedi from me!” Case closed. Logic won. Nation saved. But before we rest our case, a final question remains:

Is it only beedi that has this mysterious connection with rape? Or do cigarettes, cigars, pipes, gutkha, hukka and tobacco paan have some/similar role?

 

This calls for further research — perhaps a European study concluding that beedi smoking actually causes impotency, making the smoker incapable of anything remotely romantic, let alone criminal. Gradually, such a man attains a state of pure nirvana (self-actualisation) where he prefers a beedi over the mundane pursuits such as carnal desire of rape or for that matter anything worldly.