satire: To Whomsoever It May Concern (Unfortunately)

 

 

 

Given the kind of chaos currently swirling through society, the day is not far when—much like court marriages—we’ll also need a formal ‘Show Cause Notice’ in our traditional weddings. Even before daring to fall in love or get married it would be made mandatory to publish it in two leading newspapers English and vernacular. So, in the larger interest of public harmony and emotional, law-and-order, I hereby issue this PMPA (pre-marital public announcement)

 

To all lovers, Romeos, young in age, young at heart, self-certified heartbreakers, self-styled Casanovas, dirty old men, park-bench poets, and other assorted patrons of modern romance—please be informed that after reviewing all evidences, considering my steadily advancing age, my parents’ last wish, and the relentless taunts of relatives who have made punching bag of my bachelorhood their full-time hobby, I have—of my own sound mind—decided that perhaps, just perhaps, it is time for me to get married.

 

I, Murkhanandan, son of Shri Riwaz Das, resident of Every-Gali, Every-Chauraha, Any City, solemnly declare that I am actively contemplating entering the sacred, risky, occasionally fatal institution known as marriage. In light of this, all lovers and claimants with any possible objections to my upcoming nuptials are invited to register their protests—verbally, in writing, or by personal appearance—within six weeks of publication of this notice in the newspaper.

 

To facilitate this noble democratic process, the house and office will be kept open even on holidays. Objections may be filed any time between 8 AM to 8 PM. Kindly attach any supporting documents—photographs, love letters, WhatsApp screenshots, Facebook albums, or any other relics of your romantic association. These will greatly assist in quick and amicable disposal of the matter.

 

Let it be clear: the advertiser harbours no desire to intrude upon anyone’s romance, sabotage any couple, or become the odd man out in someone’s emotional triangle. My only wish is to live the remainder of my life peacefully, without anxiety, and preferably without mysterious circumstances landing me in a blue plastic drum or at the bottom of a remote hillside gorge. I also have no particular interest in consuming accidental poison via milk, food, or sweets. Hence—before destiny, geography, or jealousy intervene—this public notice is being issued as a precautionary measure.

 

NB:

This is not the final call. In the unlikely event that after my wedding also in case, you develop an overwhelming realization that your true soulmate is indeed yours and your alone truly, please inform me in advance. Visit freely; no one will question you. As long as heads remain intact, turbans can always be found. After all, life comes before romance, and survival before ceremony. Consider this my version of an anticipatory bail for lovers everywhere.

 

With warm regards and a prayer for your happiness—

Yours Faithfully, Affectionately, and Cautiously