satire: Wanted: An Alcoholic Husband

 

 

Normally, a drunk husband is considered bad news. We’ve all heard those stories where the bride sends the entire baraat back from the wedding mandap itself because the groom arrived soaked in booze instead of decency. But now there’s a news item saying a wife has filed for a divorce because her husband has quit drinking. According to her, only an alcoholic husband is the ‘right choice baby’

 

There was a time when families made inquiries about the groom’s antecedents—those charming habits that bring shame to both man and clan: gambling, drinking, tobacco and the like. These were called bad habits and if two of them—gambling and drinking—sprouted after marriage, it was considered no less than tragedy. The wives would cry no end, the in-laws would panic, and the elders would assemble to dispense wisdom and scolding.

 

But times changed, and changed thoroughly. Slowly, this drinking business sank into homes like dampness in a monsoon wall. Every occasion became a License to Drink—wedding, birthday, baby shower ceremonies, even ear-piercing sessions. In short, instead of every time is tea time…it became every time (occasion) is Drinking time. Anyone who didn’t drink was treated like odd man out and taken note of so that could conveniently be excluded on next ‘celebrating’ occasion. These days cocktail has become next compulsory thing in weddings, 1st being groom n bride of course. The first inquiry in these days’ wedding is “When’s the cocktail and where?” Delhi practically runs on “car-o-bar,” and a wedding without alcohol is considered a waste of precious evening.

 

I once handed an acquaintance a wedding invitation. He stared at the envelope like a customs officer hunting for hidden contraband—the cocktail coupon. He tilted the envelope, shook it, blew into it. When he realized there wasn’t one, his face collapsed entirely. “Okay…” he whispered, like a man told his salary won’t be coming this month. We knew he wouldn’t show up.

 

At another wedding, the bride’s side had skipped the bar. Their guests wandered about in thirsty desperation of lost souls. One of them even slipped into the other side i.e. groom’s “car-o-bar,” where the regulars embraced him warmly and poured him a couple of Patiala pegs.

 

I’ve seen wives drink alongside their husbands shoulder to shoulder err… peg to peg. Their logic is flawless: “If he drinks outside, I just keep worrying. If he drinks at home, I can supervise—how much, how fast, and when to stop him.” In one unusual case, the husband didn’t drink at all, but his wife had an excellent weakness for the finest liquor.

 

Now comes this delightful case from Bhopal: a wife filing for divorce because her husband has stopped drinking. She has stated clearly—either he must forthwith resume his noble relationship with the bottle, or he must release her from the wedlock. She will stay only if liquor stays with him. In short,  ‘No alcohol, no marriage’

 

Marriage counsellors are baffled. Until now they handled cases where they had to convince husbands to quit drinking. This one flipped the formula entirely. Some clinical counsellors, after years of explaining the benefits of quitting alcohol have to now go around enumerating the benefits of drinking. They now seem to be ready to drink themselves enabling them to deliver empirical sermon in the holy name of Bacchus.

 

As one poet puts it:

 

Mere gham ne hosh unke bhi kho diye,

Woh samjhate-samjhate khud ro diye.

 

My sorrows overwhelmed her so much

Persuading me not to cry, she herself started crying