satire: Kidney Coordinator

 

Police have seized a kidney racket. (If the police succeed to catch a guy, then the name given to entire event is what is called the racket, it sounds mammoth network/respectable) You will say, what is new in this? This is happening every day. No! The accused has been arrested in the case. Their kidney business is spread inter-state, yes, it is spread across five states. He has a turnover of crores. He has coordination with many hospitals. Gentleman is an MBA and has his business card. He refers himself as K.T.C. (Kidney Transplant Coordinator). Obviously, after having done his M.B.A., he must have learned all the techniques of management. The manager's definition itself is "the one who can manage unmanageable" M.B.A. nowadays, like bananas, are available dime a dozen. This gentleman must have also thought that it is better to become a kidney coordinator than to be a delivery/courier boy. He immediately opened an office and also opened branch offices in five states.

 

High time syllabus of M.B.A. includes supply-chain of kidney transplant management and start the latest disciplines like M.B.A. (Kidney) M.B.A. (Liver) M.B.A. (Blood) Believe me these courses will be immensely popular. An assured future awaits them. 100% placement with package best indeed in the industry.

 

You are your own boss. I love the position- Kidney Transplant Coordinator. Similarly liver coordinator. B.A./MA/ B.Ed. are a passe. Totally obsolete. The latest is B.T.C. (Blood Transfusion Coordinator) Now simple B.D.S. will not work. From now on, the name of the course will be J.R.C. (Jaw Replacement Coordinator) Hip ones, knee ones on the same lines.

 

Wait for a few more raids before the government takes the initiative to recognize it and start earning out of it. People in the business will openly boast ‘Recognized by the Government.  (Registration No. ...) There is a giver (donor)and there is a taker. In this deal. The coordinator will get his facilitation fee/service charges. All legal, Bonafide and ethical. In case any state Govt still perceives it as illegal, then it is their job to make laws. You regulate it. Bring the law. Surrogacy, I.V.F. are all now business models and where there is business, there is business model/management. Is your hair (wig), your nose (rhinoplasty) whether the government brings the law or not, the business is going on unabated.

 

Soon the Govt. may bring laws, charge registration fees, recognize institutions in this area, coordinators, and para-medics. Collect taxes from them. Win-Win situation, isn’t it?

 

 Happy Transplants!!

satire: All is not O. K.

 

The station master of a station was talking to his wife. Now what do husbands talk about? Be it the phone or face to face, they have to ‘listen’ and keep repeating "Yes Dear, O.K.” On the same lines, the Station Master told his wife on the phone, ‘The rest we will discuss when I’m back home, OK!’ Now others do not know when the wife is scolding, husbands have a template of response, it is all so very predictable. On the other hand, the Assistant Station Master who was sitting with him and had come to ask whether the train waiting at the ‘outer’ (signal) be given OK (symbolizing- line clear Go ahead) What the poor ASM heard was the Station Master’s concluding ‘OK’ to his wife.   When ASM heard OK, he promptly gave line clear to the train. 

 

 On hearing OK from the ASM, the engine driver streamed off the train, ran into another train, hitting the stationary train already on the same track. As a result, the railways suffered a whopping loss of Rs 3 crore. The control phone in the railway system is an open line, i.e. everyone can listen on the entire route.

 

It is learnt that this station master was already having a fierce quarrel going on with his wife and she used to scold her Station Master husband at home, but not contended, she called him and scolded him in the office. In order to cut short, the verbal onslaught, the station master shouted ‘OK’ to his wife. What he actually said, "I'll come home and discuss, OK.!” Hearing OK!  the train went on the wrong track and there was a huge issue. Master Saab went home shouting and fought with his wife over this. They fought hard and fought to the level that both of them got divorced. Now think of this one O.K.  What havoc it did. In this case, O. K. in fact, was ‘not O. K.’ It is a very dangerous word. There was a book titled ‘I am O.K. you re O K.’ Here O.K. in its entirety in a wider sense. O. K., You see! has many connotations. O. K. means anger that you do, whatever you feel like. I care two hoots! OK?

O. K.’s other meaning is- yes, so one meaning is "I'm fine." OK. It also means that you have my consent. If I say, I am ready, I agree. Yes, in this case, everything with the poor station master. OK ultimately turned into Not O. K. The wife also left him in Not OK condition. This is anything but OK. This O. K. got the poor Station Master suspended, caused a loss of Rs 3 crore to the railways and ultimately resulted in a divorce. Is it O. K.? So, in true sense one OK turned out to be Not OK.  

satire: Old (stale) rice in new train

  

Passengers have complained en-masse that dirty rice was served on brand new Vande Bharat train. Rest of the food also, the complainant emphasized, was stale. I think it's a deep-rooted conspiracy in all probability, foreign one. A plot to popularize Hot Dog/Hamburger/Pasta/Macaroni. You know! Rice is grown from soil (dust) You have not seen how barefoot men and women stand for hours in knee deep water and plant paddy for you year after year. Here You are! just one journey a rice plate not up to your taste and you begin cribbing. Brother! rice is produced from dust; we are all dust and eventually have to return to dust. 

 

You people eat outside, if you see sweets, ghee, oil being made, you will vow never to eat. But world does not run like that. We do go out; we do eat out.  Once during my train journey from Dahod to Mumbai, I got very bad food in train. When I asked for the complaint book, he asked me ‘Why didn't you tell earlier, you were a railway officer, I would have cooked fresh food for you. In retrospect, I feel, the private contractor is in this business to earn profit, not reputation or customers or goodwill for that matter.  Contractor did never nurture ‘My Ambition in Life’ to feed you in Vande India or anywhere in India. In case you have any desire to eat ‘fifty-six bhog’ on the train. It is possible only when you carry your food with you. To have fifty-six-inch chest is possible but if you say Chhappan (fifty-six) Bhog, you will not be able to find it even in the ‘Palace on Wheel’. So why desire what you can't get?

 

The Railways is for your travel needs. Its core competency is Transportation and not Catering/cooking delectable food. You who only bother about your food. You remain blissfully ignorant of what is the situation on the ground. What the ‘motherland’ is going through? How many people do not even get two square meals.  Look at you! Seems to be living for food and not other way round. You are at your best in throwing tantrums while travelling by Indian Railways. Sometimes it is AC- Inadequate cooling or excessive cooling. Sometimes the complaint of cockroaches, sometimes of rats. When all this comes out in your house, to whom do you go to complain? You should be environment friendly. Rats and cockroaches have been companions of man since time immemorial. Now why this urban-Naxal kind of hostility towards them?

 

It is not child’s play to run trains on time while giving all these facilities to its passengers. The bed-sheet should be clean; the pillow should be as clean as new. tickled and blankets should be dry cleaned after every usage. Wow! You just bought the train by buying a ticket of over-night journey. The water also needs to be pure. Toilet needs to be sanitized. The train should also arrive on time. The tea needs to be fresh, hot and not stink like the one prepared in the morning but served till evening.  

 

Do you behave so demanding at home or you save all these tantrums for the railways? Brother! If you are so fussy carry your ‘Imported rice’ with saffron fragrance. We too are not eager to ‘cater’ to your taste buds. You are happy, we are also happy. Vande Mataram!!

 

satire: Fake medicines for poor pets

 

 

The police have arrested not one but two such factories where fake drugs were being made for veterinary purposes. In fact, these gangs in the business of fake medicines also keep their R&D continuously updated. Which new medicines to be prepared fake. Fake medicines for animals are a novel business model. Nowadays, their children having left home for jobs/study, it has become customary to keep a pet. So those who made fake drugs saw a lot of potential in it. A huge market is waiting for them.

 

One, these new 'papas' are willing to buy any expensive medicine for their beloved cute child (pet). At slight provocation they rush to their ‘family’ Vet. "Dr.! He hasn't eaten since yesterday." "He is feeling very sad-sad," "My baby is undergoing depression God knows why?" What does Dr. want for his happiness? One ‘Sad Papa or Mummy’ another Sad Pat. He speaks something else in English. He writes expensive blood tests, X-rays, ultra sound and gives his knowledge on mood swings. Some 'fatty lever' also tells you at this age weak heart is common. and writes a pill/injection/capsule for Pet.

 

 

 

The Manufacturer of fake medicines was bound to see limitless potential in this. Pet cannot complain to anyone. Now how could a buyer find out that the drug is fake? There is no way to find out whether these capsules have just ‘pedigree’ in it or glucose powder. I have noticed that when pet stops eating and starts eating grass, then understand that he is doing his own treatment. He is capable of this. But 'Papa' is worried, that is when the vet and his fake medicine come in picture. There is a lot of adulteration in human medicines and alcohol too. After all, even a leaf cannot move without God's will. The God who has given you disease has given strength/blessings to the manufacturer of fake medicines. We have indeed put lot of work load at God’s doorstep these days.

 

Two fake medicines’ factories were busted but both you and me know there would be many more? My guess is at least two in every city. What do you think when the owners of these two ‘busted’ factories come out would they start manufacturing genuine medicines or will again go back to their old ways.

 

 

satire: Coaching centers cannot guarantee jobs

 

 

The authorities have discovered what is wrong with coaching centers these days. They are guaranteeing jobs to their students. Now if these coaching centers start guaranteeing selection, Then, what will the political leaders promise? Once young men get a job, who will come to their rallies? Who goes to listen to someone's incomprehensible speech? 

 

Now coaching centers have mushroomed all over. Many areas are identified by coaching centers and later they become what you call hub e.g. Old Rajendra Nagar, Mukherji Nagar. Now special centers for specific subject coaching have come up. Poor candidates run from one center to another. You don't ask about the fee it will give you heart ache. PG in the vicinity is equally costly. The pain of being separated from parents is different.   While studying day and night, many become semi-deranged. Some return to their homes and villages in time, hence, saved. Some are taken away after being deranged.

 

Everyone knows the story of Kota city. No month goes without a suicide or two of teenagers. When analyzing this, it turned out that either due to stubbornness of the parents or under peer pressure, they land in Kota, then the coaching centers put children in the mad race to improve their own result and give so much pressure that poor kids crumble. What kind of career is this in which a seat is sought after staking one’s life.

 

Now this new decree that coaching centers will not be able to guarantee success. Then who will look up to them? How many false promises they have to make. Full-page advertisements are given. Fabricated Statistics is given. Everyone is heard saying that a hundred people from our center have been selected or two hundred people have been selected. Eighteen in the first twenty belong to our center, etc. etc. Now if the government refuses that you cannot guarantee selection or employment, who will come to you. In fact, the government wants this work to be left to the politicians. Only the politician should guarantee. Earlier, the postman used to bring appointment letters. People used to share their happiness with the postman.   Then the offices took over this work directly and appointment letters were given at the hands of some politician. Both of them focus more on photo-op, Wherever the politician cannot reach, his cut-out is delivered, in the pose of giving the letter. The poor postman is kept out. No one writes postal letters to anyone these days. 

 

The coaching centers have to come out with something new, if you make it 'impossible', they have to make it 'I am possible'. Instead, you increase the seats, increase the seats in the job, then there will be no need for coaching and yes, don't play the game ‘paper leak-leak’ please.

satire: Anesthesia-less Operation

  

Don't worry, our medical system is highly advanced and historic. Our scriptures are full of advanced medical skills and potions also contains surgical operation step by step in full detail. The cure for cough and cold to the most serious disease are all found either in our kitchen or mythological texts? I don't know how many scriptures have given this entire medical system. Later, these books were taken away by the invaders and from there they gave us 'knowledge' by translating our own scriptures. 

 

In this series, to maintain our one upmanship, a state has now set a record of operating without administering chloroform.   Otherwise, I don't know how much money is spent on employing an Anesthetic and his paraphernalia. Sometimes anesthesia is ‘given’ either inadequately or in more than required quantity leading to the patient never regaining consciousness. The operation was successful, light of the day could see the patient but the patient could not see light of the day.  

 

In fact, now there is so much competition in this field that patients are being searched from house to house. Surgical Operation are being made so accessible that soon ‘Your Home Your Operation’ YHYO. ‘Fly by night’ surgery would be the order of the day. Get the operation done! Kidney-stones to Heart surgery are all operated at reasonable/ subsidized rate. Get a cataract surgery done! discharge straight from OT to your sweet home. We also have "Your Doctor-Your Door" scheme. You can give us your own kitchenware such as Knife, scissors   tweezer and blade. Look, we are running most 'Cost Effective' medical facilities. Give us an opportunity to serve. There is no shortage of beds, no difficult procedure for admission. We will do your surgery on your own bed. 

 

We also go door-to-door delivery. Look, there is nothing to panic. Ask your grandparents. Everyone was born at home and not in a maternity ward. Our USP? your child will be delivered  in your own home. Out of 150 crore, 100 crore are born at home and look at them, they are healthier than those born in hospitals and kept in incubator.

 

So don't panic. Come One-Come All for our most popular, innovative ‘Operation - without Anesthesia. 

 

 

satire: Injury in left eye- surgery in right

  

 

You must have seen how cabbies, and other public transport guys call/invite/persuade/coax you to take a ride in their vehicle at the intersections, bus stands and Railway stations. They almost forcibly pull you in their tempo/rickshaw etc. The driver agrees to whatever you say. Even if he is not going on that route, he says yes to you and then takes you off to the nearest location, saying your destination is close by. Then you know what? Your destination is still another rickshaw ride away and you will have to hire another rickshaw.

 

Similarly, so many nursing homes have now opened in every city, that are admitting ‘patients’ at the slightest pretext. They are luring future patients by bringing various packages/schemes. The advertisements of two things had never been seen in past. One, school/university and another of hospitals. Now the full-page ads of both of them appear in National dailies. Just wait there will soon be 'Buy one-get one free' scheme on the face of throat cut competition literally. The diseases are fewer and doctors far more. Even if you got the headache, the doctor is ready for the operation by opening your head. If you say there is pain in the hands and feet, they will scare you so much that you are gladly ready to be admitted for your ultra-sound, blood test, eco test, urine test, X-ray and if possible, MRI too.

 

In one such case, when a seven-year-old child's eyes turned red and began aching, child was rushed to the nearest clinic by his parents. Dr. armed with blossoming smile welcomed the new found customer. Dr. successfully scared the child's parents that a piece of plastic had gone into the child's eye and that it could only be removed by surgery. The fee will be forty-five thousand rupees. Somehow with great difficulty poor parents raised the money.  Dr. came out of OT like Hindi films’ fake doctor and announced; "Congratulations! The operation was successful child will come out of anaesthesia then you can go home with the kid” The real game began when parents saw that the pain was in the left eye and Dr. too explained about ‘plastic piece’ being there in the left eye, why on earth this bandage was on the right eye. Child was taken home, next day child developed allergy. Rashes appeared all over the body. The distressed parents fled to ‘another hospital…another Dr.’ who declared there was no surgery at all of the left eye. Hearing this their patience ran out. They went to the ‘old’ hospital and created a ruckus. The CMD (not Chief Medical Director but Chairman & Managing Director) pacified parents by explaining “due to the negligence of the nursing staff, the bandage has been put on the wrong eye. In fact, there was no surgical operation. The so-called piece of plastic that was glued to the eye was removed. That was the ‘only’ operation carried out. The child's health has not been good since then. Parents wondered why the hell was kid given anaesthesia that too General, when there was no surgery?

 

So, this is a competitive world. May you survive this harsh worldly journey. Here the merchants are after your blood, kidneys, lungs, liver eyes what have you. These merchants often wear uniform, masks, wear white coats and surgical gloves. I do not know how many such stories are daily shaping all around us. Now if you have to meet the target, you want to save your job, then you will have to do all this. The time has come to amend the Hippocratic oath. "... I will chop off whoever comes under my knife…and pick his pocket without any discrimination, compassion, melody and malice... May God help me with this" 

 

Humor: Worms or Cumin?

  

 

When a passenger found worms in his soup on a train, he immediately called the catering staff and complained. The catering staff explained as politely as they could; ‘These are not insects but cumin’ Now the passenger is worried about what it is? He revised the entire Botany-Zoology he studied in school.   He repeated these are the legs of the insects and you are bent upon proving that these are cumin. The irritated staff again explained, this is Chinese cumin, yes! it does look like legs of insects.

 

When the passenger started recording video of the soup, the staff objected and scolded the passenger "It is a legal offence to record video or take photographs in the railway premises as per Section so and so of Indian Railways Act 1857.  By then the passenger began sending the video to his on social media pages and other friends. At this, the Catering staff offered a new bowl of soup which does not have cumin, Chinese or Indian. The passenger refused. Upon this, the Catering staff so very magnanimously offered some monetary compensation for the mental trauma caused by the sight/consumption of this ‘Chinese cumin’ The stubborn passenger refused that also. 

 

Look! in these big tedious journeys, such small insects keep coming out, Senorita! Let us not get disheartened. Now whose fault is it that cumin looks like the legs of insects. I feel that the catering guys should give a disclaimer with the menu that our cumin may look like the legs of an insect. Don't take notice, don't panic. Similarly, it can be written about other food items, it is not centipede but a large open cardamom. This is not a lizard, but our new dish in which Manchurian has been mixed in such a way that it appears exactly like a home lizard. This is pepper and not fish eggs, it is not a cockroach but an add on made of a new Chinese spice. Like putting Curry Leaves in your desi food. After dish is cooked, you may also remove these curry leaves and throw it away. Enjoy your dish.

 

Once upon a time, food of catering van of a train was considered delicious. Some trains were famous for its food.  Like the food of certain Rajdhani Express, Shatabdi Express, I distinctly remember the food in the Taj Express. Even desi dishes from hawkers at the platform used to be quite delicious. Then big business names jumped onto the bandwagon. The ghost of ‘hygiene’ was let loose. The genie of ‘healthy food’ drove away these hawkers off the business; they simply faded away. Monopoly was ruling the scenario. Days of passengers’ tantrums were over. They only had Hobson’s choice. Either eat what we are offering or starve. Simple! What could you except complaining in vain hope that someday someone in power may read the complaint Book and care to take action. What do you know if this complaint book itself is genuine?  Now a days Catering Contractors also keep a Complaint Book for ‘Feedback’ Caterer has secured the contract against so many odds and greasing numerous palms. It never was contractor’s ‘My Ambition in Life’ to feed you. He is here to earn profit. More the merrier. Mind you profit in his dictionary is not a 'dirty word' 

I have a grudge with passengers, why they can’t carry their own home cooked food like good old days of tiffin carrier and water Surahi is still available. Soft pure water was accessible to drink. And you could also eat from the platform fearlessly. It is our fault that y we have developed a penchant for ‘eating out’ So you are getting what you deserve. Brother! You are right these are the legs of worm that is being fed to you and certainly NOT cumin.

The worm is a sample case; entire zoo is still there to tickle your taste buds.  

 

 

Humor: Second wife caught husband with third would be

 

          

What a Kaliyuga has come. No matter how, anywhere, man has no peace. If one is single, the world does not allow one to live. "When are you getting married?" It hurts when one is repeatedly asked the same question wherever…whenever... If one decides to get married to avoid this interrogation, one mistakenly thought one will find peace. But what is this? There comes a storm in one’s life. Now that one is a reasonably read man, one has read that healthy competition improves services. So, one followed it in letter and spirit and got married again. People in general knew that whatever one says, what one’s real purpose was. Here the Casanova within again got restless. Man! where there are two, three also is OK. Unknowingly, one thought one is making record of some sort. one seem to be a fan of AAP Party; therefore, one too have adopted Odd and Even formula. However, after two wives he had just put a comma not a full stop. 

 

Wives have a sixth sense. When he said, Gut-feeling, wife number two came to know that something is amiss. Your complexion must have confirmed his suspicion. The man cannot hide his love. Just like a young woman cannot express her love. You did not hear Anand Bakshi Saab's song from the film Mahal, "I will hide this love... How will you handle the heart... Will you put my picture on the walls?"

 

That day was not far off. It came sooner than expected. She saw you getting ready meticulously. She understood that there was something suspicious. The day she was waiting for, has come.   She followed. The husband went straight to nearby city and realized that he had come far away from his second wife's magnetic field. With exciting dream of the third wife, he entered the lodge. The second wife who shadowed him all the way, caught him red handed, what you call in compromising position. The wife slapped him hard. The husband wondered how on earth she appeared here too. Both the woman and man were shocked.  It's like having a nightmare or waking up from a dream. He forgot that he was a ‘respectable’ Village Head (sarpunch) The sarpunch had a car. Liberal funds also were handy to be misused. Hence, had all the wherewithal required for such kind of adventures. He has been enjoying his swag. The sarpunch kept preparing in his heart that his head was itching to wear to wear. The wedding Sehra for the third time. Now in full view of public he was being abused/cursed and manhandled that too by a woman his own wife no.2. He thought it wise to speed away from the venue.

 

What does this teach us? This teaches us never to become the Sarpunch's wife. The ‘punch’ in the sarpunch can also mean five. When the sarpunch's head may spin again none knows? Secondly, when you are becoming his second wife, what is the guarantee that his head will not turn for the third or for that matter even fourth? You have all the illustrations of Bollywood before you. 

Don't forget that a ‘Single’ wife is good enough to convert your status from monotonous ‘Single’ to ‘Married’. Stay that way! Therein and therein alone, lies your key to happiness.

 

 

Humour: Inspector’s ‘I love you’ to his Dy. Collector lady boss

  

Our society has always been against love and romance. We used to hear that the World loves the lovers; but it was all hearsay. Simply hollow words. No matter how modern we may appear from our exterior, no matter how liberal we may sound. Don’t you believe a word of it. Inside we are very conservative and are strongly against all these love, romance etc etc. We feel these are the pastime of fools. The funny thing is that no matter how unnecessary it is, no matter how much you are against it, it has been going on for centuries and is definitely going to last for many more centuries. With the passage of time, it has increased only. 

 

The latest case in this series is where a petty inspector said I love you to the lady deputy collector of his office. A big ruckus erupted. Inspector wondered why there is such a commotion on his I love you. The lady can respond instead whole world other than her is giving unwarranted reactions. True also, the inspector told expressed his tender feelings. You have the right not to answer his I love you and/or reply to him as you deem fit.  There wasn’t any need to make it public and so much so report it to the cyber police station. You could have turned down his request. You could have texted back ‘I don't love you’ You could have blocked him. You could have called him for tea in your office and explained. Why did you make that poor person appear and feel like a sinner and report his one harmless ‘I love you’ to cyber police. He is not denying the ‘charge’ 

 

I see two aspects in this, firstly, the poor inspector said this on the day of his retirement. It seems you may be having some strict age criterion. He had heard Raj Babbar sing "There is no age limit..." And he saw that Anita Raj did not keep anything Raj (secret) from Raj Babbar. You thought he was an old man. Look at it from his point of view. Until now, he was tied to the Conduct Rules and Disciplinary code of the office. The office could have taken harsh action against him. Poor fellow could have been suspended from his job. He could have been removed/dismissed from his service. So, he secured his pension and other retirement benefits first. After padding up his financial position he expressed his love for you. What did he know that you would be so upset. You could have affectionately rejected his love request, instead you got the poor lover arrested. You answered his heart’s communication with your head. Not done! You have used your position to dispossess him of his. You forgot ‘to err is human and to forgive humane’

 

The second thing is that if you were the retiring inspector and you a ‘Prem Deewana Deputy Collector’ would your reaction have been same? You would have rushed to the cyber cell? In case, you had called him to say 'I love you', I am sure he would not have gone to the cyber cell. Either he would have accepted your proposal or refused in the most civilized way. Your official position between him and you proved to be impregnable. Knowing fully well that these ‘worldly positions’ don’t mean a thing in the affairs of heart. A lover has to be counselled with love and compassion not with the stick of the law. Love is a gentle finer feeling; it had to be dealt in the same way and not in the way you did. You unleashed the Anti-Romeo squad also after him. 

 

Poor man will lose all faith; he had all along in love.  His vision of the world will change. You have damaged his personality. Scarred his soul. Is this the way one's compliment be replied? In case you get a compliment, “You look so beautiful today." Or "This saree suits you so much" Will you call the flying squad. His first-class compliment should not have responded with third degree. Now on, people will have to think several times over before giving a compliment. You brought the Head in the matters of Heart. Now please do not attach poor man’s property.

 

We Don't Love You

Humour: Graduate Bride - Tenth Fail Groom

  

An incident has come to light, when the wedding procession arrived, the bride categorically refused to marry. Reason - The bride says; she is a graduate while the Groom-the Great is tenth standard fail. The bride did not stop here; she has also revealed that the groom is mentally retarded. Now the bigger question is, how his ‘secret’ leaked.  

 

One, how the bride came to know that the groom is retarded. Was he subjected to any IQ test? It was only on the basis of the conversation that she discovered he was retarded. As far as intelligence is concerned, it is a comparative thing.  Mr. A may be sharper than B or B is dimmer than A. If we look at this, we are all retarded in front of our wives. 

 

One more thing that is not understood is why it is important and must that the bride ought not to be equivalent to the husband. In our male-dominated society, the notion has been created and strengthened that the bride has to be less educated. Husband should be more educated than the bride.   Soon educational qualifications will be got Police-verified similar to the one done in case of appointment formalities in a government employment. Next point of difference could well be ‘He is mere third division while I am the high second division’ Ina typical Indian wedding the concept of equality is conspicuous, by its absence. In Indian context, it is important for a husband to be educated, equal or better to that of wife’s education. Now the bride's ‘courage’ will be discussed here-there-everywhere. And people will link it to women empowerment. It seems Matriculation is very important for marriage. That is why it is assigned as Board’s exam. An exam conducted by a third so-called neutral body. Even a film called ‘Dasvin Pass’ has been made on it, in which the hero qualifies his Matriculation, while in jail. I urge the would-be-grooms to study diligently and pass at least tenth class, while graduation and post-graduation is preferrable. The marriage can wait.  Don't take this to heart. You may take consolation in believing that you were not destined for this ‘arrogant’ bride. Consider yourself lucky. How empowered the wife would have felt had she married a lesser qualified groom. Give a call ‘Back to school’ If the bride has many choices of grooms, then be it known that groom too has a wide choice of brides. But honesty is a big thing. Don't give up on it. One more thing, if you are really retarded as alleged, get yourself treated properly.

 

Don't forget to invite me to the next wedding

Humour: Russia to open Ministry of sex

 

 

Now it is Ukraine war’s catastrophe or ‘As it is’ Russia's birth rate has fallen so much that Russia is seriously considering plans to open the Ministry of Sex. Under this, according to the initial trends that are coming, the internet will be shut down from 10 pm to 2 pm and power supply will also be stopped.   Further necessary steps will be taken to formulate guidelines in this direction. Look! at what point have we reached.

 

I do not know about Russia but in our country, children are considered to be God's gift. There was a time when ‘More the children-luckier the person’ was the order of the day. More kids were perceived as symbol of empowerment. Then came the trend of one or two kids. And now we have come to a stage that the marriage itself is fast becoming irrelevant out-of-fashion. and if you have to enter wedlock under one pressure or the other then no kid and if you have to have a kid, then only one is enough. Be it a boy or a girl.

 

Now Russia may bring an awakening to the world. In India when wedding season comes, weddings take place in large numbers. There are hundreds of weddings every day, everywhere. Before the year is completed, newborns’ cries will be heard, so much so that we have genuine shortage of school. There is a shortage of houses, there is a scarcity of water. We are living in perpetual state of deprivation. We earlier had a family planning department/ministry, then it was renamed   ministry of welfare. Honestly! I am not aware what this Ministry does exactly.  Instead of opening a whole new Ministry Why doesn't Russia ‘import’ men from our country? We have all kinds, all age groups raring to go immediate after first ‘Zdravstvuyte’ (Namaste) We have a great itching to become a doctor or Engineer. Young men from India are dying to become Doctor or Engineer. You give them admission in your universities. You may like to waive off their fees. Most of them will gladly agree marrying beautiful Russian damsels. Indian grooms and brides are in great demand. We are a God-fearing lot. It's so cold out there in your country. Indians that we are, we will get to work post haste. Vodka Zindabad.

 

It's the job for your Sex ministry to chalk out details in this direction. We Indians, have great respect for our ancestors and traditions, so it is always 'da-da' (Grandpa) for us and that's where your key to success of your Ministry of Sex.

 

Dasvidaniya! (until we meet again)

Humour: Officers will rise with respect on the visit of legislators

 

 

The Chief of a province has announced that the Government officials will rise and greet the honorable visiting MLA/MP I have been worried since then as to why such an order was thought necessary to issue. Either the officers do not rise when these ‘dignitaries’ visit or the officers do not rise when they leave. In addition, another scenario is  when the honorable MLAs/MPs arrive, it is expected that the officers will not only rise but continue to keep standing as long as the hon’ble is giving them a discourse. 

 

Our thanks are due to the Provincial Govt that it has not ordered that as long as the MLA / MP is in the officer's chamber, the officers will listen to the MLA / MP with full devotion by lying ‘spread eagle’ on the ground on all fours face down or the officers will squat on ground cross-legged to listen to the MLA/MP without looking at him, as a mark of utmost respect towards him. After that they would be asked to go in ‘purdah’

 

Officers! Don’t forget you are permanent. You are not temporary like the MLA/MP. They are today here, nowhere tomorrow. Their Performance Report is filled daily unlike your annual system. You will be in service for sixty years. While these politicians’ career begins after sixty. While the officers are loaded with garlands on every new posting, these poor politicians get only so long they are MP/MLA, that too often the expenses are paid by them or some beneficiary of their favors.

 

Soon a fresh G.O. may be on the way that as long as the MLA/MP is in your chamber, you should keep stand on both legs. Be happy that the government order did not say you will stand on one leg like a heron. Now it is the MLA/MP's sweet-will to allow you to sit in your chamber or otherwise. Alternatively, you may secure a medical certificate that you are unable to stand due to being a victim of partial disability. In short, you have to pay your respect. Priority will be given to those who touch the feet. After all, they are your elders. We have historical tradition of touching feet of elders who in turn shower blessings upon you.   If you want, keep a record of such blessings, get a cctv camera fitted in your chamber.

 

Sir! Accept my respectful greetings believe me I am standing while saying so.

Humour: Police- five minutes away

  

 

It was a really a matter of great ‘Feel Good.’ Hindi films have seriously damaged the image of the police. It always arrives well after the incident. Just before the film is about to end. This news is indeed heartening that henceforth, Police will arrive within five minutes of phone-call. They did a mock exercise and logged four minutes and thirty-four seconds. A clockwork precision. 

 

Our police force is reasonably large both in 'quantity' and 'quality'. You must have heard that there are ‘n’ number of policemen per ‘x’ number of citizens. I am thinking that if the police are reaching in less than five minutes of the incident, then it is possible that if their alertness and number is increased, then this time interval can be further reduced. A stage may come when as soon as the incident took place you find police siren and it reaches in a jiffy. Something like Spider-Man or Super Man. Time gap could be planned to a point where a policeman shall be posted in every house hold. This way, this time period of four minutes and thirty-four seconds can be brought to zero. 

 

I am just thinking aloud there would be a time when people will be caught before the incident. Obviously, in this process, some innocent people may also get victimized, but this is inherent risk in such an ambitious scheme of things. Remember there is no birth without blood. Innocents will emerge innocent, may take few years. Our legal system is massive and robust, hence, little slow so may, mind you, may take your life time.

Humour: Cocktail at police station

 

 

It is reported that a cocktail party took place at a police station. Police are wondering how did this news leak? Who did it? Thank God there is no CCTV in the Police station premises. It may have been leaked by someone who was not invited. This certainly was not the first party of its kind at Police station? In English films policemen bosses drink fondly in their chamber. Generally, with Police stations in India there is a rickety canteen. What do you think these canteens serve only tea/coffee? Then you are unaware of what is actually sold in those juice corners.

 

In a metro city, when policemen strictly warned these juice-sellers not to sell anything but juice and juice alone. "From now on, you will only sell juice and if someone is seen facilitating mixing of alcohol in choicest juice, action will be taken against them. Juice stall owners protested in one voice few come for pure juice to us, they come with their own alcohol and insist to mix it in their juice before they head back to their respective residences in the evening. If Police holds us responsible for customers lacing their juice with alcohol and threatens to close our stall, it might well be closed, as their ‘sale’ will be adversely affected.

 

We Indians are fussy people. They have no idea how much pressure Police in India has to withstand. If poor policemen have a sip or two why this ruckus? If we don’t drink alcohol, how would we know difference between genuine alcohol and spurious one. Also, through our drinking we try to fathom various dimensions of this alcohol business. Brother! Alcohol is gift to us by the almighty, we human beings are also creation of the same almighty.

 

After a tedious day-long functioning, a peg or two will not hurt anyone. You expect efficiency like America, but that cannot be obtained on lassi or lemonade. We are big hypocrites. 

There are so many reasons for drinking. Alcohol helps in good sleep, it relieves fatigue, it gives energy, it enhances courage, you eat well, it creates a social circle, it helps in befriending people. 

 

Alcohol is favourite of the Brigadiers/General/ great poets/intellectuals. Someone defined three x rum. Three X=30 days, Rum = Regular Use Medicine. The scriptures are full of praise of Somaras. In short, it is divine, Mind You!

Humour: Dr. Fevikwik

 

 

My India great has many unique qualities that make it great. There is a saying that no country becomes great merely due to its mountains, rivers and forests, it becomes great by the hard work of its citizens, by their honesty, discipline, their intelligence, education and valour. Recently, when a two-year-old boy suffered an injury over his eye, the boy's family rushed him to a nearby private clinic. The doctors, ward boys and compounders there asked the family to bring a tube of fevikwik worth five rupees from the nearby market. The family was upset. They did not even ask why Fevikwik? Nonetheless, they brought it.

 

Now 'Doctor' Saab took the tube and filled the fevikwik the injury. That’s their way of Emergency treatment. I had heard that a sealing box named 'Dr Fix It' ad comes for preventing water leakage. Dr. Saab fixed the wound with fevikwik itself. We badly need such revolutionary doctors. Just five rupees fevikwik and cure is sure, strong and unbreakable.  When the parents expressed surprise, the doctor assured them that this is the latest technique. He has been treating it for years. Even when his own child was hurt, Fevikwik came in handy. Parents insisted "Dr. Saab! at least give him tetanus injection” Dr. brushed it aside ‘there was no need for injection, fevikwik is sufficient. 

 

The child was in pain and cried all night. Early in the morning the child was taken to another Dr. who was shocked to hear the tale of fevikwik. He immediately carefully cleaned the fevikwik. The injury was given four stitches. The ointment, bandage and medication were provided along with tetanus injection. The doctor told it was good that Fevikwik did not go into the eye. If it had gone into the eye, the vision could have gone forever. As per last report the Doctor Fevikwik had quickly vanished from his clinic. When the uproar persists, what happens in our country? Set up an Inquiry Committee. So, an Inquiry commission has been set up. I remember an anecdote when the child had stomach pain, the lazy-illiterate father gave a spoonful Vicks to child to consume, presuming if Vicks is Good for Headache, the same should hold good for stomach pain.  It is said that nowadays Doctors clip the stomach by the help of ‘stapler’ thus, reducing the size of stomach, smaller the stomach lesser the food intake. When we were kids, it was widely believed by we kids if there is an injury and no cure is available just urinate on your injury.  On minor cuts, I have seen my grandfather pasting thin paper of beedi packing. I had heard of a Dr. Aloe vera. He had planted the entire Aloe vera garden in his bungalow. Now whoever (patient) comes, someone was given Aloe vera to eat, someone to drink, someone to apply on the affected part. He had full faith that Aloe vera alone is enough to cure mankind of all ills, all-in-one. His practice went on reasonably well. If Fevikwik manufacturer want, they can now run a series of ads highlighting medicinal quality of their product. After all, in Punjab villages ‘washing machine’ is utilized to make lassi. This is called 'Appropriate technology'.

 

We call it Jugad. Long live our indigenous Jugad!!

 

 

humour: Asshole pic desired by boss for sanctioning leave

 

In our country, employees make newer and newer excuses to ask for leave. When one such employee asked for leave for the treatment of his ‘piles’ the boss got so much suspicious that he asked the employee to ‘Give proof of piles’ Now the boss must have asked for medical papers. By then employee didn’t have adequate and conclusive medical papers as he was going for consulting the Doctor for the first time for his long-standing problem. Instead, he sent the photo of his asshole as annexure with his leave application.

  

Now it was the turn of the boss to hang his head. He was glancing at the leave application then another glance at the HD photograph. Once I had asked for Death certificate from an employee who overstayed his leave on the pretext that his grandpa expired hence, he had to stay back for last rites. I knew this guy was in the habit of overstaying beyond his sanctioned leave. The employee union guys came to me, ‘Sir! he is already grieving his grandpa’s demise and you are asking for death certificate how insensitive of you! Death may be universal phenomenon but in remote village there is no concept of Death certificate’

 

History is witness that for obtaining leave from workplace people have been giving unique reasons. Be it school, office or factory. These excuses are found dime a dozen during wedding/harvesting season. It is well-known that employees go to their native place and then keep extending their leave on one or the other bizarre pretext. about those who work abroad that they have to go to the village and extend the leave. Many people who do small menial jobs/domestic jobs do not feel like returning to workplace until their last penny is spent and they are compelled to borrow money for return fare. Nowadays, we have become so much dependent on them. Gone are the days when they were dependent on us. Now at least in cities, it is other way round. These days both have become so rare- good husbands and good domestic helps. 

 

When a Babu goes to his ‘native’ (official term for home state/village since British times) Once gone to native place they seldom come on due date. When they come late by few weeks, they have tales to tell, tales’ stranger than fiction. Like once he told how he became a victim of cold drink laced with mild poison, once unconscious they (the gang) made good with his wrist watch, wallet and mobile phone. He could not inform office as the duplicate sim takes time. When an employee was sent to his home address with a charge sheet, "As soon as I rang the doorbell a dreaded dog came out and pounced upon me. I ran for my life. I only know how I saved myself. Don't send me to places where hungry hunting dogs are waiting"

 

So, when the boss asked for proof of his piles, he was completely aghast and attached the photo of his asshole. He requested boss to have a good look and keep gazing till convinced of piles. The only problem is how on earth could boss recognize and be sure that this is a photograph of the asshole of this employee only? High time the photograph is got attested by a Gazetted officer, without which the photo cannot be accepted.

 

Humour: Legislator honors 100 baldies

  

 

When leaders hold a meeting, they generally, honour local talent, children or an elderly person or any other social worker of the area, hitherto, in dark. Preference, of course! is given to their partymen or at least who sympathize with their party lines. 

 

In this series, an MLA did a wonderful job. He decided to honour not two or four but a hundred baldies of his constituency. He invited baldies of his area in a meeting and called one hundred of them on stage to honour them with garland and memento.  He gave a powerful speech in favour of baldies and motivated them. The MLA knows poor baldies are perennially worried about their receding hair line. Hearing this, there was a wave of jubilant joy among the baldies.

 

 

Generally, politicians of all hues and shades talk about distant things to villagers, they discuss issues which are not even remotely connected with locals ‘life. Therefore, this came as a big refreshing change when hon’ble MLA decided to honour local grassroot workers. The hon’ble MLA has won the hearts beginning baldies. This is a symbolic gesture. The world is divided into two Hair and Hair Nots. Today it is ‘Hair Nots’ tomorrow it would be ‘Haired ones’ There seldom is a Baldy who has happily reconciled with his baldness. There is always a suppressed desire of the lost crowning glory. I wish there were some oil, some coating, some serum that would make their crop flourish again.

 

Indian typical women are a worried lot. Her sufferings are threefold. One, unbridled husband, second, domestic help, last but not the least- falling hair. The MLA has touched the right chord. Poets have written treatise after treatise on long silky hair of beloveds. No more long silky hair of beloveds-no more poetry on beloved’s hair. Falling hair is a booming business.    Dr. and Dr. like persons are making hay while the Head shines.  This industry is flourishing. In other words, balding humans are a huge support for the economy. From this angle alone, Baldies are worthy of our respect. I hope this hon’ble MLA doesn’t own a chain of hair growing clinic.

 

What next? there are different neglected sections of society vying for the attention of the hon’ble MLA. Unemployed educated youth, Unemployed uneducated youth. Beggars and pickpockets. Delivery/courier boys armed with Enfield (bike) and Engineering (degree) The security (?) guards at your society gate who get noticed only when they make a mistake. We also respect this MLA for successfully avoiding the real issue faced by the electorates viz. unemployment, no industry in the area, no school, no college, no hospital but regular annual flood and famine. Poor MLA has to remain in news, has to be seen in his constituency yet win the next election. Netaji did not stop at just honouring baldies; he wants the State Govt.to recognise baldies as ‘intellectuals’ Well! one commodity found in abundance in our country is the ‘Intellectual’ class. Never before, I was so proud of my bald head, which has conferred the newfound honour on me- an intellectual.

Humour: Cop caught accepting a paltry bribe of Rs.3000/-

  

It has been reported that a Police constable was seen taking a bribe of measly three thousand rupees. This definitely is a matter of concern. Who takes a bribe of mere three thousand rupees these days? Unbelievable! Such constables bring disrepute to the entire police-force. This constable is required to be urgently deputed for professional training course. His knowledge needs to be updated and advised current rate list.

 

 

Now what could have been the ‘compulsions’ that a constable had to accept a bribe of three thousand rupees. This is gross. Does anyone even take three thousand rupees bribe? That too a police constable. Even if he takes it, scandalous it is to show him on video. This became public. Constable in question, was he a trainee or a rookie?  What could have been the deal, where the ‘service fee’ is just three thousand rupees. It is possible that it is just an advance or token money. How oblivious this constable is of his surroundings. Does he not read newspapers. These days scams of less than thousand crores are not even worth reading.    This three thousand rupees’ bribe is a shameful. I am sure this constable must be facing tough time from the authorities, his bosses, his colleagues and his own folks at home “Dad, what did you do?" How will we show our face in the colony? What will people say? Will you tease me at school?" The wife will be ridiculed in kitty party. They may mull over the question whether her membership of kitty party be cancelled forthwith.    " Sister! You may put your ‘committee’ in your locality; this kitty party is way beyond you." This constable has brought shame to all his near & dear ones.

 

 

Now is the time for ‘damage control’ It can be said that this was a fee for something and a receipt was duly issued for it. In the meantime, arranging a receipt in back date should not be a problem for you. Meanwhile, this policeman needs to be sent for a refresher training course. Let him learn the nitty gritty. Teach him de-novo about the image and image building. The image is very important. Your reputation is everything. He cannot put at stake the reputation of entire police-force for a measly three thousand rupees. If it is not possible to give the receipt, three thousand rupees should be refunded in full public view with video recording for posterity. The matter, I hope, would be put to rest. 

 

Imagine accepting gratification of three thousand rupees. It does not augur well for our image. After all, we are Vishwa guru 

 

व्यंग्य: डाॅ. फेविक्विक

 

                                             

 

मेरे भारत महान में अनेक ऐसी खूबियाँ हैं जो इसे महान बनाती हैं। एक कहावत है कि कोई भी देश, पहाड़, नदियों और पेड़ों से महान नहीं बनता वह महान बनता है अपने नागरिकों की मेहनत से, उनकी ईमानदारी, अनुशासन, उनकी कुशाग्र बुद्धि , शिक्षा, वीरता और साहस से।  अब कुशाग्र बुद्धि को ही ले लें। एक सूबे के महान ज़िले में जब दो वर्षीय बालक की आँख के ऊपर चोट लग गई तो बालक के परिजन बालक को भागे-भागे निकटतम प्राइवेट क्लीनिक में ले गए। वहाँ जो डॉक्टर, वार्ड बॉय और कंपाउंडर थे उन्होने परिजन को नजदीक की मार्किट से पाँच रुपये की फेविक्विक की ट्यूब लाने को कहा। परिजन परेशान थे उन्होने यह पूछा भी नहीं कि  फेविक्विक कायकू? वो ले आए।

 

अब ‘डॉक्टर’ साब ने ट्यूब को लिया और जहां चोट लगी थी उसमें फेविक्विक भर दी। इस तरह उन्होने तुरत-फुरत में इलाज़ कर दिया। अब इमर्जेंसी में जो हाथ लगा, कर दिया। मैंने सुना था पानी रिसने के विज्ञापन में ‘डॉ फिक्स इट’ नाम से एक सीलिंग डिब्बा आता है। डॉ साब ने फेविक्विक से ही घाव फिक्स कर दिया। हमें शायद ऐसे ही क्रांतिकारी डॉक्टरों की ज़रूरत है। बस पाँच रुपये की फेविक्विक और इलाज़ पक्का, मजबूत और कभी न टूटने वाला। इस केस में जब पेरेंट्स ने आश्चर्य व्यक्त किया तो डॉक्टर ने उन्हें बताया यह लेटेस्ट तकनीक है। वह सालों से इसी से इलाज कर रहा है। यहाँ तक कि जब उसके अपने बच्चे के चोट लगी तो फेविक्विक ही काम आया। पेरेंट्स तो पेरेंट्स होते हैं उन्होने फिर कहा “डॉ साब कमसेकम टिटेनस का इंजेक्शन तो लगा दो” डॉ. ने यह कह कर उनको टाल दिया कि अब इसकी कोई ज़रूरत नहीं। फेविक्विक है ना।

 

इधर बालक था कि चुप ही नहीं हो रहा था। पूरी रात वह दर्द से तड़पता रहा और सुबह सुबह बच्चे के पिता उसे दूसरे डॉ. के पास ले कर गए। उन्होने पूरा किस्सा-ए-फेविक्विक  बयान किया। डॉ. हैरान - परेशान। उसने तुरंत बहुत सावधानी से फेविक्विक को बड़े जतन से साफ किया। जो चोट लगी थी उसमें पूरे चार टांके लगे। दवा लगा कर मरहम-पट्टी की गई।  डॉक्टर ने पेरेंट्स को बताया कि ये तो अच्छा हुआ कि फेविक्विक आँख मेॅ नहीं गई। अगर फेविक्विक आँख में चली जाती तो आँखों की रोशनी भी जा सकती थी। वह डॉक्टर इतना कुपित हुआ कि वह पेरेंट्स के पास उस क्लीनिक में गया महान डॉक्टर फेविक्विक से मिलने। डॉक्टर फेविक्विक, क्विकली ये जा, वो जा, फरार। जब खूब हो-हल्ला मचा तो जो हमारे देश में होता है वही हुआ। आखिरी खबर मिलने तक एक जांच समिति बैठा दी गयी है। आगे जो हो। मुझे एक किस्सा याद हो आया जब बच्चे के पेट में दर्द हुआ तो आलसी-अनपढ़ पिता ने बेटे को विक्स चटा दी थी। यह सोच कर कि अगर यह सिर दर्द ठीक कर देती है तो पेट का दर्द क्यूँ नहीं? कहते हैं आजकल लोग ज्यादा न खाएं और अपना वज़न न बढ़ाएँ अतः कहते हैं कि वे अपने पेट में अंदर स्टेप्लर से स्टेपलर पिन लगवा लेते हैं। इससे पेट का साइज़ कम हो जाता है। अतः थोड़े खाने से ही काम चल जाता है। हम छोटे थे तो एक कहावत थी कि चोट लगी है और कुछ दवा सुलभ नहीं है तो जहां कटा-फटा है वहाँ आप पेशाब कर लें (लगा लें) छोटे-मोटे कट पर मैंने अपने दादा जी को बीड़ी के बंडल का पतला कागज चिपकाते देखा है। मैंने एक ऐलो-वेरा डाॅक्टर के बारे में सुना था। उसने अपने बाग़ में ऐलो-वेरा का पूरा बगीचा लगा रखा था। अब जो आये उसे किसी को ऐलो-वेरा खाने को, किसी को पीने को, किसी को लगाने को दी जाती। बोले तो ऐलो-वेरा रामबाण, ऑल-इन-वन। उनकी प्रैक्टिस अच्छी चलती थी। फेविक्विक वाले चाहें तो अब वे इस लाइन पर अपने विज्ञापन की एक नवीनतम सीरीज चला सकते हैं। आखिर पंजाब के गांवों में वाशिंग मशीन को लस्सी बनाने के काम में लिया ही जाता है। 'एप्रोपिरिएट प्राद्योगिकी' इसी को कहते हैं।

 

बोले तो जुगाड़ ज़िन्दाबाद !!