satire: How Long could you stare your Wife?

  

Ever since I heard that a great corporate man once said, ‘Don’t stare your wife’ I’ve been following his advice like eleventh commandment. Every morning, before dawn breaks, I sneak out of the house for the office—quietly, reverently—just like Gautam Buddha left his wife and son for enlightenment. It gives me this strange feeling of sacrifice, like I’m walking on the noble path of detachment.

 

By the time I return, late at night, everyone’s already asleep. So yes, I’ve been obeying the great man’s advice word for word—no staring, no eye contact, no temptation. But now the problem is everyone else in the colony has started staring at me!

 

The office peon looks at me suspiciously why i have been coming so much before time daily, colleagues exchange amusing glances and my boss keeps giving me dirty looks as if I’ve done some scam. Some coworkers have even started asking awkward questions like, “Hey, is Bhabhi ji (my wife) visiting her parents?” When I say no, they smirk, “Oh, it means sign of trouble in paradise, huh?”

 

Meanwhile, my staff hates me. Earlier, I was too busy to bother them, but now I have all the time in the world. I approve files instantly, chase pending work, and basically ruin their peace. My boss, on the other hand, has started to suspect that I’m plotting something—maybe trying to impress the higher-ups to get his chair. So, now he spends his time thinking of new ways to make my life more miserable.

 

And things aren’t exactly hunky dory at home either. My wife has turned into a full-time detective. She checks my pockets, sniffs my shirts, and cross-examines me like I’m on trial. Why do you leave so early? Where do you really go? Why do you come home so late? Is there some lady colleague involved?” How do I explain that I’m merely following a corporate honcho’s holy advice—Thou shalt not stare thy wife!

 

But instead of peace, I’m the one being stared at all day long. My wife’s suspicious eyes have evaporated whatever little confidence I had. The great man never mentioned how to deal with a wife who does the staring.

 

Now I’m in a real fix—at the office, my boss looks down upon me; at home, my wife gives me cold looks.  Even my colleagues have started exploiting me: “Sir, he comes early, give him this work!” Soon my colleagues would demand I buy some fresh vegetables and milk for them. Other day, my wife actually showed up at my office! She pulled up venetian blinds, removed curtains, peeped under my table, to look for that other woman. I know it is result of watching too many crime shows.  I stood there wondering—what did I do to deserve this?

 

Honestly, I’ve concluded it’s far better that I resume staring my wife rather than her staring me day in day out. At least both of us are happy. Famous comic poet Kaka Hathrasi once wrote:

 

       Though hookah of your charm is long extinguished

      I’m still solemnly puffing away pretending to enjoy

  

My colleagues are happy, my wife is calm, and I’ve accepted my fate. After all, with this small salary, happy staring is the only luxury I can afford. So yes—until I get a promotion to the position of head honcho...Happy Staring!