satire: Therapeutic Hug @ 600/-

 

Ever since I read that news, I haven’t been able to recover from the shock. Apparently, China — that overachiever of civilizations — has launched yet another invention: the paid hug. Yes, women there, are now shelling out between 250 and 600 rupees for a five-minute “magic hug.” The men who provide this service are called man-mums. So much for the monopoly women once had on maternal tenderness and care — now even men are getting certified as mums.

 

But then again, this is China. The same country that gave the world paper, printing device, compass and gunpowder. They’ve always had a knack for combining invention with business. Why stop at fireworks when you can monetize ‘human affection’ itself?

 

Apparently, you can even book your ‘man-mum’ on an App. One click and your emotional void is home-delivered — five minutes of warmth, no strings attached, no awkward breakfast conversations. The digital age truly leaves nothing to the imagination.

 

Now, before any of my fellow countrymen start packing their bags and dusting off their passports, let me clarify: not every man qualifies for this noble profession. You can’t just waltz in, chest out, arms open, and expect women to line up with cash in hand. No, there are certain requirements, what you call Eligibility conditions.

 

First, you must be physically strong — because apparently hugs in China are full-contact sports. Second, you must be gentle, humble without fumble which in this context means you should be able to speak softly without grunting or belching mid-sentence. And third, you must be patient — a virtue most men do not possess or lose at the drop of ahem! hat. 

 

Back in the day, when the Vietnam-America war was raging, rumours floated that due to large scale casualty, Vietnam was facing a shortage of men and might start importing them from India. Indian men instantly sprang to life, polishing their shoes and updating their biodata— yes, biodata, because back then nobody had heard of CV or résumés. It was a proud time for Indian men and masculinity.

 

So, before you start dreaming of exporting yourself to China as an official hug technician or Hug-Engineer as you fancy, remember — this is not an equal-opportunity employer. The strong, gentle, and full of endless patience ONLY need apply.

 

Still, one can dream. Imagine — a plane full of Indian men landing in Beijing, armed with deodorant, charm, and government-approved hugging licenses. China wouldn’t know what hit it.

 

Beware, fair ladies of the East — the subcontinent is warming up its arms. HJ has begun. Didn’t get it? Well! Hug Jihad my boy.