satire: Buy one Get one free

 

This sounds like the plot of an English comedy film. You must have heard many stories of medical blunders — the honest mistakes and the creative ones, where the patient’s body, mind, and wallet are all simultaneously operated upon. But this latest story takes the cake — or rather, the entire Pâtisserie.

 

So, there’s this father and son. The son was supposed to get a surgery done. Morning comes, the poor boy is wheeled into the OT (operation theatre) and the father waits anxiously outside. Suddenly, from inside, a voice booms: “Who’s Jagdish?” The father, being a simple man and indeed named Jagdish, dutifully replies, “Yes, that’s me!” Before he knows it, two attendants rushed out and ushered him in.

 

Now, Jagdish assumes perhaps his son called him in, or maybe the doctor wants to share some update. But instead, an attendant hands him a green hospital gown and says, “Change into this fast” Jagdish, ever obedient, thinks — ah yes, hospitals have all sorts of rules about removing shoes, wearing caps, washing hands with sanitizer — this must be one of those ‘infection control’ things. So, he gets into gown.

 

The next thing he knows, he’s being gently (but firmly) laid on a table. Someone waves a mask near his nose. He tries to ask what’s going on — but poof— darkness! 

 

When the effect of anesthesia wore off, poor Jagdish opens his eyes, everyone around him is smiling. He’s being congratulated. People lean over his stretcher, tapping gently “Operation successful!” He blinks in confusion, looking from face to face — like a man who woke up in someone else’s movie. He didn’t ask the usual cliché Who am I? He just wants to know, “Where am I?”

 

Then he looks down at his arm. There’s a bandage. There are stitches. His brain refuses to comprehend. He was perfectly healthy! What in the holy name of Hippocrates did they cut open?

 

Panic ensues. Doctors whisper, nurses shuffle papers and then comes the classic line — the doctor smiles reassuringly and says, “Please don’t worry sir! we’ve taken full responsibility. Both father and son will leave this hospital completely healthy. Just, uh… don’t mention this to anyone.”

 

Now, I personally call this the hospital’s proactive approach. The doctor clearly believes in prevention. “Today, it’s the son. Tomorrow, it could be the father!” So, why wait? Better to perform a preventive surgery, while the tools are still warm! That’s efficiency redefined for you.

 

Some are trigger-happy — always ready to shoot like in spy thrillers similarly some doctors, it seems, are knife-happy— always ready to cut you open. See a patient? Or even patient like? Bring him onto the operation table! Slice first, diagnose later. If nothing’s wrong, no problem! There’s always the ‘service charge for opening and stitching back’ Like old time mechanics — they used to charge you just to open the fridge, radio or tv. How could surgeons be far behind?

 

Honestly, I wonder — when God designed humans, He must’ve known man would one day invent spectacles. That’s why He gave us two ears — to hold the glasses in place. But if He foresaw doctors like these, why didn’t He give us zippers all over our body? Would’ve saved everyone the trouble. Just unzip, take a look, do your work and zip it back. No stitches, no anesthesia, no confusion about who’s getting operated for what.

And if anyone asked, “what for operation was it actually?” — we could simply say, “Just, unzip and have a doctor’s eye view!”