satire: Stare Your Wife! OK please

 

 

Now how do I explain this simple but profound truth — that there’s real bliss, in staring at wife. The only thing to keep in mind is — she must be your own Bonafide wife. Don’t go on experimenting. I strongly disagree with that corporate honcho who said, “How long can you keep staring at your wife? Come to office on Sundays/holidays. Sir, let me enlighten you — an entire lifetime isn’t enough! People don’t celebrate silver and golden anniversaries for nothing — they’re actually celebrating the glorious tradition of staring. Haven’t you heard Shammi Kapoor’s immortal line:

 

Baar baar dekho, hazaar baar dekho,

yeh dekhne ki cheez hai hamara dilruba!

 

Love marriages have made this staring business quite convenient. In the olden days, our parents and grandparents didn’t even get to see each other before marriage. So, they spent their whole lives making up for it — staring day and night, till death did them part. You talk about one lazy Sunday? These days, if you’re even a few minutes late home, your wife starts to panic: ‘Where were you? Look, I’ve worn this beautiful saree just for you! Come, please stare at me properly!’

 

Staring, my friend, is a form of positive psychology, what you call — a positive stroke. If no one’s there to look at you, what’s the point of dressing up? Who are you even doing it for? So staring is not a problem. It’s our national hobby. Staring enhances love. Not staring raised many questions/ suspicions. Why isn’t he looking at me? Has some other woman invaded his life?

 

We Indians, in fact, travel across oceans to stare — from Goa beaches to Pattaya’s shores. God gave us eyes for this very purpose. Not to burn them out staring at Excel sheets and PowerPoint slides in some soulless office. Since the dawn of time, humans have stared. It’s even a survival skill! They say when a wild animal appears, lock eyes and keep staring till the animal blinks and backs out.  

 

And who can be more Indian than Manoj Kumar — the man literally named Bharat! Even he sang:

 

Teri do takiyan di naukri…

 

And you want to take away my natural right to stare in the name of your ‘two-penny job’? I appeal to the government to include The Right to Stare in the Constitution. Let no corporate head or HR memo ever again attempt to trample our right to stare.

 

What else do we have in this life anyway? If we don’t stare, should we just gouge our eyes out? Staring is not illegal! I ask you — why did God give us eyes? You don’t want to stare? Fine. Don’t. No one’s forcing you. But let’s be honest — at your age, staring is probably the only exercise you’re still qualified for. So don’t be a stick in the mud. Instead of being jealous of those who still have stamina left to advance from staring stage. Embrace your destiny and disability.

 

Great poet Ghalib knew the power of the gaze:

 

Go haath ko junbish nahi, aankhon mein toh dum hai…rehne de meena o saqi mere aage

 

It is said when one’s death is close by, the eyes are the last to stop functioning/staring. Kaga sab tan khaiyo, ye do naina mat khaiyo, jin me piya milan ki aas hai…i.e. After death too, the eyes stayed open — they were used to waiting.

 

Poets have written volumes and volumes celebrating the art of glancing, staring, gazing, longing, pinning. Someday, when you can tear yourself away from your office cubicle, read them. You will instantly know what all you have lost. What have you got in return few more foolish perks such as longer desk, few more color intercoms, heart attack and high BP. You’ll realize the hitherto, untapped deep, romantic instincts lying like dormant volcano. Benefits of staring are endless. Right now, you have just made it public how unromantic you’ve become — a victim of piles of files, plethora of emails, and unnecessary mirage like deadlines. These targets have strangled ‘Ghalib’ in you.

 

So go ahead — stare, and stare with purpose! Staring definitely will fill your life with endless love. Try it today. Begin this divine experiment at home. Your wife will instantly tell you! You were on a wrong path all along.  In this so-called Amrit Kaal, taste a little Amrit of staring yourself. See how brighter your love life will turn.  Happy staring!!