Once upon a time, Indian trains had humble ambitions —
to reach the destination, preferably in time with all passengers still onboard.
But that was the old India. The new India’s priority is not speed, punctuality
or safety — it boasts to bring you comfort and ease of committing crime...
right at your berth. Introducing the latest wonder from Indian Railways: the
ATM on Wheels.
Yes, you heard that right. After pantry car, library
and onboard pickpocketing services, we now have a full-fledged Automated Teller
Machine in the train. This, my friends, is not merely a convenience — it’s a
government initiative for holistic welfare. From honest citizens to
professional thieves — everyone now enjoys level playing field to banking!
And yet, ungrateful citizens of India refuse to clap
for the Indian Railway minister. Instead of calling him the Rail Minister, they
call him Reel Minister — as if his achievements belong to Instagram, not Indian
Railways. How unfair!
The first chosen train for this revolutionary
experiment is the Panchavati Express — yes, the same Panchavati where Lord Rama
once lived in exile. Clearly, the ATM’s divine protection is guaranteed.
Unfortunately, divine protection does not extend to your wallet. Around this
ATM, expect an ecosystem of creative professionals — pickpockets, card cloners,
and “withdrawal assistants” — all ready to help you part with your cash faster
than you can say “transaction declined.”
Of course, this innovation hints at the inflation
ahead. Soon, a bottle of water or a plate of rice might require a quick
withdrawal. But why stop at an ATM? If we are truly modernizing the railway
experience, let’s go all in. Here’s my humble proposal for the trains of
future:
1. A bar,
serving every possible spirit — whisky, beer, gin, brandy. The real ‘spirit of
India’
2. A casino,
for passengers who like to gamble not only with money but also with their
destiny & destination.
3. A
dance bar, because nothing says ‘Indian culture’ like fusion of gyrating
dancers on a moving train.
4. A
disco, complete with strobe lights, for those who can’t dance but must.
5. A
massage & spa coach, for that “relaxed before derailment” feeling.
6. A police
station, to register all the crimes committed during journey. This will end
jurisdiction conflict between two Railway stations as also ever grey area
between GRP & RPF.
7. A mini
hospital, not just for emergencies but also for elective surgeries — dental
implants, plastic surgery, hair grafting, and maybe a quick counselling session
before train arrives at your destination.
8. A
shopping mall, so that every passenger’s family till she can burn that wand
of currency or her card is blocked or the Railway station arrives, whichever is
earliest.
9. A
travel booking centre, for booking hotels, cabs, flights, wheel
chair/stretcher, movie tickets, and even your next accident insurance policy.
10. A Bank
branch Speaking of money — since we already have an ATM, why not a
full-fledged bank branch? Withdraw, deposit, apply
for a loan, or maybe refinance your house while waiting for the next signal.
11. A
property dealer’s office, announcing, “Sir, just by booking today you get
10% off on our railway-facing flats!”
12. A life
insurance counter, because death does not keep a Bradshaw nor needs berth,
confirmed or RAC.
13. Astrologers
of course, no Indian experience is complete without the astrologers — reading
palms, scanning horoscopes, and telling you whether your Saturn is more robust
than the train’s engine/track/bridge/signal system.
There you have it — the complete blueprint of
Futuristic Railway journeys. You may notice there are 13 facilities listed
above. Thirteen is considered unlucky, and that’s precisely what makes it
perfect. After all, our Railways too, of late, is being perceived unlucky.
So next time you board a train, carry your ATM card,
your Hold-all full of Good Luck and a good sense of humor to take things in its stride. You’ll need all three.
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