satire: Police, Prize and Mustache

 

When I first read this headline, I thought—ah yes, some brave cop must have caught a notorious criminal or solved a mystery that even Sherlock Holmes would’ve scratched his head over. But no, my imagination was far too dramatic. The truth was—hold your laughter—a policeman was given a reward for his unique Mustache.

 

Yes, indeed! In one of our greatest Indian states, the greater police department of a great police station decided to honor one of their great constables—not for bravery, not for solving a knotty case, not for catching thieves—but for maintaining a glorious, twirly, oil-dripping, handlebar Mustache. Truly, this is the kind of hair-raising news India specializes in.

 

There was a time, long ago, when policemen were awarded medals for courage, heroism, or solving blind cases. But that era is gone, replaced by a new one where the battlefield is the barbershop. Now, the award-winning act is not arresting criminals but twisting whiskers.

 

You see, in today’s world, bravery doesn’t get much spotlight. Cybercrime has replaced dacoity. Earlier, cops used to chase robbers through jungles; now they chase IP addresses through Wi-Fi routers. You can’t exactly show courage by shouting, ‘Freeze, hacker!’ you work on your laptop and go around hacking instead.

 

So, the police, being smart and slightly bored, decided to explore new fields of excellence. After all, if the Guinness Book of World Records can give awards for longest nails and biggest onions, why not a prize for the mightiest Mustache? Growing one isn’t easy. It takes patience, dedication, oil, and strong self-belief—especially when your colleagues start teasing you.

 

The officer in question, a head constable, sports a grand handlebar Mustache—so grand that it could probably get its own Aadhaar card. His boss declared proudly that Mustaches are symbols of masculinity and valor. Of course! Didn’t Utpal Dutt once declare in a movie that a man without a Mustache is no man. And who can forget the iconic dialogue: ‘Moochhein ho to Nathulal jaisi, warna na ho!’ (Mustache ought to be like that of Nathulal’s otherwise no)

 

Apparently, there used to be something called a ‘Mustache allowance’ in the police. A few rupees extra in the salary for the brave souls who carried the burden of grooming their Moustache so painstakingly. Then, tragically, it was discontinued—and that, my friends, was the beginning of the Decline of Great Indian Mustache. Because let’s be honest—if the government doesn’t recognize and pay allowance for it, why maintain it at all?

 

But hope has returned! Foreign countries organize full-fledged Mustache competitions—men parade their curls and twirls like peacocks in uniform. Now, with this bold move, our police force has joined the league of “International Hair Heroes.”

 

Let’s not underestimate the effort behind those whiskers. Clean-shaven people have no idea of the struggle. For them, it’s one quick razor swipe and done. But we, the Moustached and bearded folks, live in constant maintenance mode. Trimming, oiling, combing—it’s less of a style choice and more of a lifestyle commitment.

 

Of course, no one grows a Mustache for money. We do it for pride, for history, for that subtle upper-lip swagger. From kings and emperors to freedom fighters, Mustaches have ruled the face of Indian masculinity. Because let’s face it—if you’ve got the moochh, you’ve got the pooch i.e. if you have Mustache then you are respected, feared and honored. And if you don’t… well, you’ll have to earn your respect the hard way—without handlebars.