satire: Our Degree– Third Degree!

 

There was a time when degrees were such serious, dignified things that people discussed them only in whispers — if at all. Nobody flaunted them, nobody mocked them. Education was a private, solemn affair. Then, something happened. Suddenly, degrees became the new status accessory — like designer handbags. Every street corner now has a university offering something or the other, from “Advanced Yogic Management” to “Postgraduate Diploma in Selfie Science.” And Doctorate in any subject under the sun. As you please.  The result? Degrees have become so accessible that they’re practically available on home delivery.

 

At this rate, we’ll soon have a generation sprinting around with diploma/degrees the way lovers once raced in those old Bollywood songs — “50-60 ki raftaar se daudenge aashiq!” Except that this time, they’ll be running with laminated degrees instead of love letters. Time adds strange twists to language. Take for example Love-letter, today it is used more in reference to negative thing like warning letter/chargesheet.

 

Today’s ambition list has changed drastically. Gone are those days when ‘My Ambition in Life’ essay featured one’s desire to become a doctor, engineers, or civil service officer. Now, the goal is simpler: any job, anywhere, anyhow. Forget passion; forget purpose — just some form of employment please to keep the hearth burning. 

 

I know an engineering graduate who repairs mobile phones at a roadside kiosk. His business card proudly calls him a ‘Cell Phone Engineer’ Once upon a time, ITI graduates used to call themselves with respectable suffix such as Radio Engineer/TV Engineer. The tradition continues — only the gadgets have changed. Over the past fifteen years, degrees have suffered massive depreciation. It’s not just demonetization we’ve faced — it’s degree-depreciation.

 

Walk through Delhi-NCR and you’ll find universities sprouting like mushrooms after rain. Their mission statement might as well read: “No Indian shall remain without a degree.” Their ultimate goal is national full-degree coverage. You name it, they’ll print it — B.A., M.B.A., or D.C.S. (Diploma in Common Sense, coming soon).

 

The real problem now isn’t the lack of degrees but the lack of proof do they mean anything. How do you figure out what someone actually knows when everyone’s walking around with a bouquet of Masters/Doctorates? In theory, exams were meant to help with that — but these days, the way exam papers leak, faster than roof of Noida society flats.

 

If you can’t beat the system, join a political party. That’s the shortcut to real success. Wrap a party scarf around your neck, put on a confident smile, and boom — you’re a new youth icon in the block. Now it is up to you and your nuisance value, how fast you value add (with more nuisance) and climb the ladder. Get yourself a loyal sidekick or two, whose main job is to clap at the right moments and chant your name.  

And since we’re measuring intelligence with IQ and emotional intelligence with EQ, it’s time we added a new metric — NQ: Nuisance Quotient. Because in today’s world, your success isn’t determined by what you know, but by how much chaos you can create without getting caught. The higher your NQ, more ‘influence’ you wield.

 

So, keep stirring up some drama now and then — pick fights on social media, deliver fiery speeches, maybe even trend for the wrong reasons. With enough nuisance value, people will stop caring about your degree altogether. And if someone dares to bring it up, just smile, dodge the topic, and later remind them (preferably at midnight) who really holds the power. After all, when push comes to shove, you can always give them — quite literally — a third degree.

 

And that, my friends, is how you graduate — not from a university, but from the University of Survival. Your convocation isn’t in a hall with gowns and certificates; it happens out there in the world, where your ‘degree’ means nothing, but your skill at third degree means everything.