satire: Operation–Operation

  

When we were kids, we used to play ‘Doctor-Doctor’ Ironically, none of us ever became actual doctors — though, without exception, everyone did end up becoming a patient at some point. Back then, television serials like Ramayana and Mahabharata were full of people handing out blessings liberally. Blessings — were always the heavy-duty ‘Ayushmaan Bhava’ meaning “May you live long!” Inspired by this divine generosity, the government decided to name its grand healthcare scheme -- Ayushmaan Bharat.

 

Now the whole country is wandering from hospital to hospital clutching their shiny “Ayushmaan Bhava” cards hoping to live longer — or at least get a bed. Hospitals, of course, have made separate counters for these blessed souls, so that the ‘elite’ patients don’t have to stand and wait in the queue along with the beneficiaries of this government scheme.

 

Naturally, hospitals have also started advertising in bold letters: “We treat under the Ayushmaan Bharat scheme!” Because why not — it probably means they get a generous government grant for every blessed patient they touch. To keep the grant river flowing, they regularly organize free “medical camps.” These camps are not so much about serving humanity as they are about identifying future paying customers. There, the doctors dramatically describe how terrible your minor cough could become if you don’t act immediately — ideally by booking a procedure at their hospital. In short, the motto has evolved from Ayushmaan Bhava to Ayushmaan Bharat, if the bill allows.

 

One such camp in a small town focused on eye check-ups. Perfect! eyes are delicate. The fear of losing sight sells fast. A poor fellow got admitted in this eye camp for a cataract operation. When he was discharged, he noticed something odd: the doctor had diagnosed cataract in his right eye, but the bandage was proudly wrapped around his left one. Alarmed, he rushed to another doctor — his friend — who examined him and said, “Both your eyes are perfectly fine. The hospital didn’t operate on anything; they just put some eye drops and covered one eye with bandage for dramatic effect.”

 

And there it was — the miracle of modern medicine. No surgery, no pain, just an eye drop and a hefty bill. The man’s ‘operation’ had been a grand success — for the hospital’s revenue department, that is.

 

So, you see, no matter how perfect a government scheme may sound on paper, by the time it reaches the ground, someone-somewhere will surely do a little ‘right-left’ magic. After all, in a country where jobs are scarce, even the tricksters have to stay Ayushmaan.