* infamous Jain hawala case
These days when I meet people I make it a point to inquire whether they wrote a diary. If their answer is positive I requset them not to ever mention my name in their diary. If there is any debt, they thought bad debt, ask me straight I will gladly pay but please spare me the agonizing embarrassment followed by sustained interoogation, which may befall upon me. Think of it, a man like me resigning on moral grounds.
Times have changed,no invention,no discovery,however high tech seem to impress people any more. Gone are the days when you could impress people with as little as color television and VCR, today folks dont look at you twice even if you have your own jet,yacht and sat (sattelite). On the contrary I find people are going around the city requesting entry in personal diary of big entreprenuers and businessmen. They believe, if their names appear in the diary of few bigwigs that will immensely enhance their self esteem. They will be conferred an enviable status in their social circle. Till now, we have been ignored and kind of written off as 'service class' people by our more prosperous peer group. I dont like wasting my time interacting with people who dont regularly write their diary.
The diary has achieved a unique position today. It has come to be known and rightly so as having more devastating effects than RDX. Diary is gunning for people in Delhi as savagely as Gen. Dyer did it in Amritsar. They had Dyer, we have Diary. In half a century we have become so very capable that we can chew,swallow and digest any number of scams,kickbacks and scandals without asking for Hajmola. We have become a giant nation best compared to lazy Leviathan who wakes up only to destroy and devour everything it sets its eyes on, be it fodder,gun,sugar,bank,train engine,government quarters, petrol pumps,gas agency anything. A thing which is required to be distributed among ' a lot men' is called allotment. hence, all along deals (read bribe) under the table have been justified for everthing requiring allotment by whatever body. Capacity to bribe is now officially acknowledged as an index of one's financial soundness to run the proposed enterprise.
Diary has tremendous taming effect. Tigers are known to have been turned into meek goats.There is an uneasy fear of unknown emanating from diary.All of a sudden, entrants of the diary are going around declaring their faith in judiciary. I quite realise that if you talk more about judiciary you are likely to land in trouble and hence, in Tihar which is still manned by the same staff existed during Biscuit king's time. I dont even have blood pressure worth the name which could keep me comfortably in a deluxe nursing home till the remand lasted.
It is not known in which period diary writing began. However,history of lies and deceit can be traced back to as early as Adam and Eve era. Massive account books have been compressed in a tiny diary. Computer chip diary could have so many characters that it would suffice character exposure of entire politician community several times over.
I am seriously contemplating to write my diary. First to figure would be my useless neighbors. I intend to enter 10 crores against their names. Second will be my teacher. An entry of Rs.50 lakhs for promoting me to next class would be enough to make him run from one court to another. He would then realise how it feels to make one run in tennis court. To my boss I intend paying a hefty sum of Rs.50 crores. The entry would read 'for outstanding C.R. and promotion'. I can hardly wait to see him photographed while being escorted to Court in police custody with face covered. I would give few crores to my landlord. He has infinite restrictions for me. I want my third class landlord to be given third degree. He be housed in a solitary cell so that he realises that thwe cell he has rented out to me calling it one room set is no better than the prison cell.
Few relatives are there with whom I have to settle old scores. They always avoided me lest I leech on to them and borrow money. During summer vacations they used to turn extra cold fearing I may land with family. I wish to dole out 20 crores to them. I can imagine, when caught, they would simply deny having truck with me, leave alone accepting money from a pauper like me. I am confident our police would not buy their story and even when they do it, it would be with such a hefty hafta that my relatives will be fleeced of their last penny leaving them bankrupt and miserable. I have full faith in our police department.
Ravi ki duniya
Sunday, January 31, 2010
MICHAEL JACK-SON-OF-INDIA*
* On the euphoria accompanied his visit
In recent past you have stolen the hearts,heads and headlins of millions of men,women and media in Mumbai. Organisers have categorically told one and all -- no troubles this is our show. Mumbai's prestige and cultural sensitivity is at stake. By now we all agree that problem in India is no more of food,clothing and housing. Mr Bharat Kumar to please look for another topic. Now a large chunk of our population eats noodles,pizza and drinks pepsi.They even win luxury car in some obscure contest of slogan writing or recognising lips,nose or eyes of some otherwise well known actresses.Gone are the days when India had difficulty in providing clean drinking water. Today we have mineral water jars and fountain pepsi. No bread but cakes. With weekly beauty contests in each locality there is no more shortage of clothes. On the contrary, short clothes are the 'in thing'. I hear multi nationals are all set to take the field of undergarments by storm. We would all be wearing designers' underwears. High time you gave up grandpa's striped boxer shorts. Enough is enough. Grow up man !
You dont know Mike! Small step of yours is proving a giant leap for we Indians. My country is really grateful, you came. I will tell my grand children many years from now(I'm still young) how i saw you from close quarters. How you glanced at me and blew a flying kiss. What excitement !. More than what might have been felt by our leaders of yesteryears when they were on Dandi March with Gandhiji or in forest with Netaji.
None knew Ben Kingsley was Indian till he made it big. Similarly, majority of people in India do not know,but I know you are basically from India. Running from one Employment Exchange to another when you failed to secure any worthwhile job, you took to music as a 'time pass' and earned paltry amount singing in keertans and jagratas. Subsequently, you left India with nothing but mother's blessings and a burning desire to make it big. That was the day when MAI KA LAL JAI KISHAN (Mother's favorite Jai Kishan ) was reborn as Michael Jackson. You are no exception. Indian scientists and writers who left India usually made it big,big enough to visit India only to collect honors and momentos instituted by their community.
My happiness knew no bounds when i learnt that my childhood pal Jai Kishan is coming to India. So sweet, Dont think twice, so what if you mis-spelt India when you wrote ' I love Inde' on the mirror of your Presidential suite. One, I know you were always weak in written English, two, who knows,inspired by you, we may change our country's name from India to Inde. You are not aware but we have not changed a bit. We still derive child-like pleasure and political mileage in changing names of our streets,stations and states. I hear you also left your hat and used towels in the hotel. Your fans plan to auction them in next socialites charity ball. I never knew you had such a fan following in India. Stadium was packed wityh who's who of India. Strugglers,smugglers,actors,teenagers with Barbie like figure and their parents with paunches peeping through oversized Levis, all were there.
Hey Jai why dont you contest election from Bombay,I can assure you an unopposed win. You ll ve none standing opposite you. Even if cultural Czars put up some candidate his deposit will be forefeited. Mind you it has to be Bombay, dont go to Nandayal or Pilibheet, these areas are stii untouched by music and dances renaissance of the kind you specialise in.
Some ignorants have been shouting hoarse that your trip will jeopardise the Indian culture and values. Dont bother about them. They are kill joys. Ask Amit (Amitabh Bachchan ) how much dust and din they raised, when he planned a Beauty contest in Bangalore. He remained unfazed. Result-- beauty or no beauty every damsel now wants to contest. Those who have long past the age and statistics also want to emulate. Never heard os such a mass beautification campaign of India. Larger than pulse polio vaccination program.
Truth is, we Indians are stick in the mud. Feel miserable when told to enjoy. We can not relish pizza or fried chicken without feeling guilty about it. Dont you bother,by and by everything will be 'managed' and brought under 'control'. When tea was popularised by plantation owners these very Indians opposed it vehemently decreeing India was a country where rivers of milk and curd flowed, tea had no place. If people drank tea, they would fall sick,look at them now, sick take tea to get well soon and well offs dont move out of bed without taking one first in the morning. When you land here, we plan to make you Patron and President of half a dozen socities, trusts and foundations active in the field of protecting and preserving ancient Indian culture,Indian dances and values.
Once you decide to be politically active we can think of further reducing the age of franchise from present 18 years to 14 years.
My country is full of opportunities. Whereevr you put your dancing steps,wealth will kiss your feet. I know you dont need it anymore. But we need a dream to live by. More than half of my countrymen still live below poverty line. During famine parents barter their infants for rice. Politicians and bureaucrats together can gobble down animals fodder worth millions of rupees. Our Prime Minister faces bribery and corruption charges in a number of cases and goes round and round from one court to another.
come soon Mike !
LOVE U HAMESHA
In recent past you have stolen the hearts,heads and headlins of millions of men,women and media in Mumbai. Organisers have categorically told one and all -- no troubles this is our show. Mumbai's prestige and cultural sensitivity is at stake. By now we all agree that problem in India is no more of food,clothing and housing. Mr Bharat Kumar to please look for another topic. Now a large chunk of our population eats noodles,pizza and drinks pepsi.They even win luxury car in some obscure contest of slogan writing or recognising lips,nose or eyes of some otherwise well known actresses.Gone are the days when India had difficulty in providing clean drinking water. Today we have mineral water jars and fountain pepsi. No bread but cakes. With weekly beauty contests in each locality there is no more shortage of clothes. On the contrary, short clothes are the 'in thing'. I hear multi nationals are all set to take the field of undergarments by storm. We would all be wearing designers' underwears. High time you gave up grandpa's striped boxer shorts. Enough is enough. Grow up man !
You dont know Mike! Small step of yours is proving a giant leap for we Indians. My country is really grateful, you came. I will tell my grand children many years from now(I'm still young) how i saw you from close quarters. How you glanced at me and blew a flying kiss. What excitement !. More than what might have been felt by our leaders of yesteryears when they were on Dandi March with Gandhiji or in forest with Netaji.
None knew Ben Kingsley was Indian till he made it big. Similarly, majority of people in India do not know,but I know you are basically from India. Running from one Employment Exchange to another when you failed to secure any worthwhile job, you took to music as a 'time pass' and earned paltry amount singing in keertans and jagratas. Subsequently, you left India with nothing but mother's blessings and a burning desire to make it big. That was the day when MAI KA LAL JAI KISHAN (Mother's favorite Jai Kishan ) was reborn as Michael Jackson. You are no exception. Indian scientists and writers who left India usually made it big,big enough to visit India only to collect honors and momentos instituted by their community.
My happiness knew no bounds when i learnt that my childhood pal Jai Kishan is coming to India. So sweet, Dont think twice, so what if you mis-spelt India when you wrote ' I love Inde' on the mirror of your Presidential suite. One, I know you were always weak in written English, two, who knows,inspired by you, we may change our country's name from India to Inde. You are not aware but we have not changed a bit. We still derive child-like pleasure and political mileage in changing names of our streets,stations and states. I hear you also left your hat and used towels in the hotel. Your fans plan to auction them in next socialites charity ball. I never knew you had such a fan following in India. Stadium was packed wityh who's who of India. Strugglers,smugglers,actors,teenagers with Barbie like figure and their parents with paunches peeping through oversized Levis, all were there.
Hey Jai why dont you contest election from Bombay,I can assure you an unopposed win. You ll ve none standing opposite you. Even if cultural Czars put up some candidate his deposit will be forefeited. Mind you it has to be Bombay, dont go to Nandayal or Pilibheet, these areas are stii untouched by music and dances renaissance of the kind you specialise in.
Some ignorants have been shouting hoarse that your trip will jeopardise the Indian culture and values. Dont bother about them. They are kill joys. Ask Amit (Amitabh Bachchan ) how much dust and din they raised, when he planned a Beauty contest in Bangalore. He remained unfazed. Result-- beauty or no beauty every damsel now wants to contest. Those who have long past the age and statistics also want to emulate. Never heard os such a mass beautification campaign of India. Larger than pulse polio vaccination program.
Truth is, we Indians are stick in the mud. Feel miserable when told to enjoy. We can not relish pizza or fried chicken without feeling guilty about it. Dont you bother,by and by everything will be 'managed' and brought under 'control'. When tea was popularised by plantation owners these very Indians opposed it vehemently decreeing India was a country where rivers of milk and curd flowed, tea had no place. If people drank tea, they would fall sick,look at them now, sick take tea to get well soon and well offs dont move out of bed without taking one first in the morning. When you land here, we plan to make you Patron and President of half a dozen socities, trusts and foundations active in the field of protecting and preserving ancient Indian culture,Indian dances and values.
Once you decide to be politically active we can think of further reducing the age of franchise from present 18 years to 14 years.
My country is full of opportunities. Whereevr you put your dancing steps,wealth will kiss your feet. I know you dont need it anymore. But we need a dream to live by. More than half of my countrymen still live below poverty line. During famine parents barter their infants for rice. Politicians and bureaucrats together can gobble down animals fodder worth millions of rupees. Our Prime Minister faces bribery and corruption charges in a number of cases and goes round and round from one court to another.
come soon Mike !
LOVE U HAMESHA
NATIONAL ILLITERACY MISSION
Other day I met an old friend at a marriage reception. He is in construction business. During our exchange of usual pleasantries he informed that with illegal buildings coming up all over, his business was brisk. While his elder son helps him in his business,the younger one due to his being highly educated could not do anything worthwhile. Therefore,he has got a school opened for him. Dish (Jagdish) has been instructed by his builder father to engage four lady teachers with good English and better looks. Tie in uniform is an absolute must. It has a dual purpose. Parents are impressed,in turn they can impress other parents.
This is the crux of our literacy mission. Whenever we talk of education we are eager to launch yet another new scheme. This field has been treated as a big laboratotry for experiment by all those mandarins of education department. Industrial entrepreneurs,construction giants,business houses and NRIs have also jumped on the bandwagon. We have had more systems than one can count from ancient GURUKULAS to today's high tech, computer friendly,air-conditioned class rooms. Remeber Montessori model of schools, Model model of schools, Navyug, Central, Navodaya, Sarvodaya etc.etc. 10+2+3, 5+3+3, 8+2+2 all add up to a big zero. Everone claims that the scheme prepared and launched by them is the best. All others are quickly termed as myopic,short-lived,wasteful and hence,outright foolish.
When Montessori system was ruling the roost, all other schools were looked down upon. Montessori enjoyed the status that of a lotus in the cesspool.The then parents' choice was clear-- child has to be Montessori educated or not educated at all. Teachers in Montessori used to be sweet,fairy like,pretty and fluent in English. The one who were 'weak' in their mother tongue were preferred as teachers. Times changed, Montessori moved over giving room to preparatory,nursery and K.G.(B) schools. It was an era of Indo-Soviet friendship. There was this competition among the newly wedded as to who would be first to admit their child in these schools. This eventually led to cradle snatching. Age of wards' admission reduced from 7-8 years in our times to 2-4 years now. Bal-Mandirs started on terraces and backyards in a big way. Kids in caged rickshaws look like prisoner transfers. It is here that citizens of tomorrow pick up the skill of telling lies with sweet innocence:
"....Eating Sugar ? No Papa ... Open your mouth Ha.!.Ha..!"
Indian people misunderstood the population control policy. They thought our motherland is short of manpower and hence, Government wants every citizen to hastily produce two or three children. Patriots that we are, we lost no time and every citizen who was in reproductive age group devoted himself/herself in the name of service to the nation. We all know the results. Government was not sitting quiet either,we opened schools under the tree,under the tents and simply in open fields. Teachers and students both in communion with the nature. But there was brighter side to it. No gruelling interview of parents,no fete tickets,no donation. I wonder how kids of that era never fell victim of gastroentitis even after consuming water from open unclean earthen pots, look at the kids of today, they have to have water from aqua guard purifier or else by evening their stomach aches. Go to a doc he will not talk to you unless you have undergone half a dozen pathological tests-- blood,urine, ECG, X ray and CAT scan.
Government progressed. We had Model schools where except uniform (Khaki shorts and navy blue shirt changed to white) nothing changed. We further evolved Central Schools with low fees and all India syllabus.Educated but unemployed got teaching jobs. Bored housewives also got paid for boring (teaching) the class. Central school facilitated marriage of unmarriageables and separation of married ones (due to transfers)The teachers bloated to Master of universe and shrieked " I am the Power " during admission season.
Public,like young children,want a fresh toy to play with. Therefore, the planners keep themselves busy in constantly experimenting with education bringing out new models. Latest schemes are churned out and given attractive titles. Old wine in a new bottle--- SUPW __ socially useful productive work. Pray ! what was that we learnt all these years.We have 'Education for all'. whatever it means, it has been amply realised that the schools today have become factories. Some are sophisticated while others are plain and simple crude. They produce material-- faceless,born to be at the most babus who have scatiest regard for manual labour,morals and motherland.
With all its drawbacks I love adult education. It is simply unmatchable with anything happened in recent past on education scene. Adult or no adult,classes or no classes, Roll call is fudged. Hefty funds change hands. Adult education you see. I know a father, unable to pay huge fees and hasseled with everyday fund raising in the name of building,games,library,transportation,picnic etc. withdrew his children and gave his final verdict- " I cant afford your schooling instead go for adult education when you grow up. That is in case you still felt education was necessary otherwise looking at these legislators and ministers,take the words of this old man -- there are much more possibilities and brighter career prospects in remaining illiterate."
(from the collection Bald is beautiful 2000)
also published in Alive Dec. 2000
This is the crux of our literacy mission. Whenever we talk of education we are eager to launch yet another new scheme. This field has been treated as a big laboratotry for experiment by all those mandarins of education department. Industrial entrepreneurs,construction giants,business houses and NRIs have also jumped on the bandwagon. We have had more systems than one can count from ancient GURUKULAS to today's high tech, computer friendly,air-conditioned class rooms. Remeber Montessori model of schools, Model model of schools, Navyug, Central, Navodaya, Sarvodaya etc.etc. 10+2+3, 5+3+3, 8+2+2 all add up to a big zero. Everone claims that the scheme prepared and launched by them is the best. All others are quickly termed as myopic,short-lived,wasteful and hence,outright foolish.
When Montessori system was ruling the roost, all other schools were looked down upon. Montessori enjoyed the status that of a lotus in the cesspool.The then parents' choice was clear-- child has to be Montessori educated or not educated at all. Teachers in Montessori used to be sweet,fairy like,pretty and fluent in English. The one who were 'weak' in their mother tongue were preferred as teachers. Times changed, Montessori moved over giving room to preparatory,nursery and K.G.(B) schools. It was an era of Indo-Soviet friendship. There was this competition among the newly wedded as to who would be first to admit their child in these schools. This eventually led to cradle snatching. Age of wards' admission reduced from 7-8 years in our times to 2-4 years now. Bal-Mandirs started on terraces and backyards in a big way. Kids in caged rickshaws look like prisoner transfers. It is here that citizens of tomorrow pick up the skill of telling lies with sweet innocence:
"....Eating Sugar ? No Papa ... Open your mouth Ha.!.Ha..!"
Indian people misunderstood the population control policy. They thought our motherland is short of manpower and hence, Government wants every citizen to hastily produce two or three children. Patriots that we are, we lost no time and every citizen who was in reproductive age group devoted himself/herself in the name of service to the nation. We all know the results. Government was not sitting quiet either,we opened schools under the tree,under the tents and simply in open fields. Teachers and students both in communion with the nature. But there was brighter side to it. No gruelling interview of parents,no fete tickets,no donation. I wonder how kids of that era never fell victim of gastroentitis even after consuming water from open unclean earthen pots, look at the kids of today, they have to have water from aqua guard purifier or else by evening their stomach aches. Go to a doc he will not talk to you unless you have undergone half a dozen pathological tests-- blood,urine, ECG, X ray and CAT scan.
Government progressed. We had Model schools where except uniform (Khaki shorts and navy blue shirt changed to white) nothing changed. We further evolved Central Schools with low fees and all India syllabus.Educated but unemployed got teaching jobs. Bored housewives also got paid for boring (teaching) the class. Central school facilitated marriage of unmarriageables and separation of married ones (due to transfers)The teachers bloated to Master of universe and shrieked " I am the Power " during admission season.
Public,like young children,want a fresh toy to play with. Therefore, the planners keep themselves busy in constantly experimenting with education bringing out new models. Latest schemes are churned out and given attractive titles. Old wine in a new bottle--- SUPW __ socially useful productive work. Pray ! what was that we learnt all these years.We have 'Education for all'. whatever it means, it has been amply realised that the schools today have become factories. Some are sophisticated while others are plain and simple crude. They produce material-- faceless,born to be at the most babus who have scatiest regard for manual labour,morals and motherland.
With all its drawbacks I love adult education. It is simply unmatchable with anything happened in recent past on education scene. Adult or no adult,classes or no classes, Roll call is fudged. Hefty funds change hands. Adult education you see. I know a father, unable to pay huge fees and hasseled with everyday fund raising in the name of building,games,library,transportation,picnic etc. withdrew his children and gave his final verdict- " I cant afford your schooling instead go for adult education when you grow up. That is in case you still felt education was necessary otherwise looking at these legislators and ministers,take the words of this old man -- there are much more possibilities and brighter career prospects in remaining illiterate."
(from the collection Bald is beautiful 2000)
also published in Alive Dec. 2000
Saturday, January 30, 2010
MY INDIA GREAT
Did you hear this one --- a minor squabble between parents and teachers in a PTA meeting took such an ugly and violent turn that the teachers had to escape to school rooftop to save their lives. Once there, they threw stones at the parents. Parents were agitating against the steep hike in tuition fee.
Following the stampede, injured parents fled in sheer panic. Abusing and threatening, teachers chased them to quite a distance. Teachers' grouse was, subsequent to pay commission when parents have got a raise in their salary why cant they pay a little more as school fee so that teachers too could get a respectable salary. As it is, they are required to sign on a much higher sum than they are actually paid. Teachers were shouting that they (parents) wanted their wards to be educated in English schools and were reluctant to pay the fees in keeping with the status of English Schools. Anything English has to cost ten times as much, be it school fee,liquor, or Rolls Royce Car.
Inhabitants of JJ colony (Jhuggi-Jhonpdi) unrecognised slums have this rarely fulfilled dream of owning a proper house in a decent and recognised locality. Similarly, we who have got our education in municipal committee's tent schools have this ' My ambition in life ' type dream where night after night we dream of our kids going to the best school,obviously English Public school in neat school uniform. Public schools--- school yes they are, but Public ? I ve my doubts, with such an exorbitant fees,donation and rigors of admission they are certainly not for Public but for the privileged few. The clamour for public schools reminds me of the melee occured recently in a city hospital. One evening when patients were being visited by tyheir near and dear ones in the indoor wards, news of a time bomb spread. O boy ! I had read all along that life is dear to everyone but how much , I saw that for the first time. Patients outran their visitors, they were running with drip bottles in their hands through whatever exits they could find. Many were frog-jumping on their plastered legs. The ones who were confined to bed till few moments back were also seen running faster than the ward boys, who were left behind with wheel chairs and trolleys in tow. Everyone was running like mad,as if there was no tomorrow . Save your life now, there is no dearth of hospitals. In the same spirit, we are after English schools with a vengeance. This vengeance is a result of two hundred years of slavery, we have undergone. We want to prove to them , when it comes to English, we the 'brown sahibs' are no less rather one up. We can talk English, walk English and even laugh English.
Other day, I read a book and yet another myth was demolished. Why did Alexander the great retreated from India ? Aggrieved by the inflation rate, extremely high cost of living and tricks of shopkeepers, the soldiers approached Alexander and requested him to leave the country as fast as possible,before they are reduced to mendicants. Alexander quickly realised and understood that before his soldiers rebeled, he should leave India. Thus, his timely fleeing from India saving the soldiers,situation and face earned him the title of Alexander the great . Historians later added episode of Porus to make it sound convincing,glorious and favourable to India.Truth is Alexander was defeated by the marketeers of India who fleecded them to their last drachma (Greek currency)
High time Indians stood up and made way for Non Resident Indians. In order to win this coveted title ,aspiring Indians are post haste emigrating to whatever country they are able to get themselves accepted, to USA or Burkina Faso. Latest is people now want to send their kids to foreign schools not for doing Engineering or Medicine but Matriculation and pursue Hindi literature. I dont recollect any period in our country's history when Indians were proud to be Indians. Were we ever Indians at the first place.We have been Brahmins,kshatriyas. We are South Indians, North Indians. Now that nova-riche class has emerged we have become NRIs. Now simple Indians have neither any market nor any future, are available dime a dozen in any slum,railway station or employment exchange.
We grew up listening to Hawa Mahal and Binaca Geetmala. Today's youth, generation Y as they are callled is growing up amidst Pubs,Discos and Valentine Days. Designers are doing overtime in designing dresses from shorter to shortest to nothing,exposing larger to largest to everything. More the designers,shorter the garments.I am afraid soon this underwear gang will push shirts and trousers out of fashion. Imagine how would we look sitting in office in loin clothes. There is a brighter side to it. There would be no pockets,therefore,no pickpockets. The dream of Gandhiji that till every Indian gets clothes to wear he would only wear a loin cloth. He would immensely be happy to see the entire nation sporting the 'langoti '-- a la Gandhi. I am sure these designers will then market Designers Langoti. you may be wondering what difference would it make. My dear the times have taken 180 degree turn. Earlier men were honest, now shirts are Honest. That is about all. Imagine Dishonest jacket Gunda Pyjama etc etc.
Why cant entire country's schools have uniform dress code,fee structure,syllabus,books etc. We are under no pressure of sanctions from US,Japan or the World Bank in this regard. In a small town school,suddenly children were charged computer fee. However, they were not allowed to enter into computer room,leave alone touching or operating. It was always kept locked. Children could 'study' the computer only through glass window.
Since we have got our bomb,we are busy defending it and make making/unmaking our mind to sign CTBT. My milk vendor,faced with frequent complaints of growing water content in the milk chided us , " take it now, when you can still afford it, once the bomb explodes, there would be neither milk nor water, why this dislike for water at the first place. look at Deepa (Mehta) and Shabana (Azmi) they are prepared to go to any extent for the water. Both the leader and the led are talkin about the bomb. We are grateful for a refreshing topic,otherwise we were stuck with poverty,cricket and cocktails of fashion designers. The irony of the whole thing is that He who has been the very epitome of non-violence and compassion ,was he happy with the explosion. If not, what is the mystery ? Why did Buddha smile ?
Following the stampede, injured parents fled in sheer panic. Abusing and threatening, teachers chased them to quite a distance. Teachers' grouse was, subsequent to pay commission when parents have got a raise in their salary why cant they pay a little more as school fee so that teachers too could get a respectable salary. As it is, they are required to sign on a much higher sum than they are actually paid. Teachers were shouting that they (parents) wanted their wards to be educated in English schools and were reluctant to pay the fees in keeping with the status of English Schools. Anything English has to cost ten times as much, be it school fee,liquor, or Rolls Royce Car.
Inhabitants of JJ colony (Jhuggi-Jhonpdi) unrecognised slums have this rarely fulfilled dream of owning a proper house in a decent and recognised locality. Similarly, we who have got our education in municipal committee's tent schools have this ' My ambition in life ' type dream where night after night we dream of our kids going to the best school,obviously English Public school in neat school uniform. Public schools--- school yes they are, but Public ? I ve my doubts, with such an exorbitant fees,donation and rigors of admission they are certainly not for Public but for the privileged few. The clamour for public schools reminds me of the melee occured recently in a city hospital. One evening when patients were being visited by tyheir near and dear ones in the indoor wards, news of a time bomb spread. O boy ! I had read all along that life is dear to everyone but how much , I saw that for the first time. Patients outran their visitors, they were running with drip bottles in their hands through whatever exits they could find. Many were frog-jumping on their plastered legs. The ones who were confined to bed till few moments back were also seen running faster than the ward boys, who were left behind with wheel chairs and trolleys in tow. Everyone was running like mad,as if there was no tomorrow . Save your life now, there is no dearth of hospitals. In the same spirit, we are after English schools with a vengeance. This vengeance is a result of two hundred years of slavery, we have undergone. We want to prove to them , when it comes to English, we the 'brown sahibs' are no less rather one up. We can talk English, walk English and even laugh English.
Other day, I read a book and yet another myth was demolished. Why did Alexander the great retreated from India ? Aggrieved by the inflation rate, extremely high cost of living and tricks of shopkeepers, the soldiers approached Alexander and requested him to leave the country as fast as possible,before they are reduced to mendicants. Alexander quickly realised and understood that before his soldiers rebeled, he should leave India. Thus, his timely fleeing from India saving the soldiers,situation and face earned him the title of Alexander the great . Historians later added episode of Porus to make it sound convincing,glorious and favourable to India.Truth is Alexander was defeated by the marketeers of India who fleecded them to their last drachma (Greek currency)
High time Indians stood up and made way for Non Resident Indians. In order to win this coveted title ,aspiring Indians are post haste emigrating to whatever country they are able to get themselves accepted, to USA or Burkina Faso. Latest is people now want to send their kids to foreign schools not for doing Engineering or Medicine but Matriculation and pursue Hindi literature. I dont recollect any period in our country's history when Indians were proud to be Indians. Were we ever Indians at the first place.We have been Brahmins,kshatriyas. We are South Indians, North Indians. Now that nova-riche class has emerged we have become NRIs. Now simple Indians have neither any market nor any future, are available dime a dozen in any slum,railway station or employment exchange.
We grew up listening to Hawa Mahal and Binaca Geetmala. Today's youth, generation Y as they are callled is growing up amidst Pubs,Discos and Valentine Days. Designers are doing overtime in designing dresses from shorter to shortest to nothing,exposing larger to largest to everything. More the designers,shorter the garments.I am afraid soon this underwear gang will push shirts and trousers out of fashion. Imagine how would we look sitting in office in loin clothes. There is a brighter side to it. There would be no pockets,therefore,no pickpockets. The dream of Gandhiji that till every Indian gets clothes to wear he would only wear a loin cloth. He would immensely be happy to see the entire nation sporting the 'langoti '-- a la Gandhi. I am sure these designers will then market Designers Langoti. you may be wondering what difference would it make. My dear the times have taken 180 degree turn. Earlier men were honest, now shirts are Honest. That is about all. Imagine Dishonest jacket Gunda Pyjama etc etc.
Why cant entire country's schools have uniform dress code,fee structure,syllabus,books etc. We are under no pressure of sanctions from US,Japan or the World Bank in this regard. In a small town school,suddenly children were charged computer fee. However, they were not allowed to enter into computer room,leave alone touching or operating. It was always kept locked. Children could 'study' the computer only through glass window.
Since we have got our bomb,we are busy defending it and make making/unmaking our mind to sign CTBT. My milk vendor,faced with frequent complaints of growing water content in the milk chided us , " take it now, when you can still afford it, once the bomb explodes, there would be neither milk nor water, why this dislike for water at the first place. look at Deepa (Mehta) and Shabana (Azmi) they are prepared to go to any extent for the water. Both the leader and the led are talkin about the bomb. We are grateful for a refreshing topic,otherwise we were stuck with poverty,cricket and cocktails of fashion designers. The irony of the whole thing is that He who has been the very epitome of non-violence and compassion ,was he happy with the explosion. If not, what is the mystery ? Why did Buddha smile ?
LATEST EXCHANGE OFFERS
(god alone knows where these 'exchange offers' stop, would they ever ? )
We are taught that in ancient times Barter system was an important mode of commerce in India. One could barter old household goods for new brassware and other kitchen wares. Poor tillers worked day long and in the exchange were given enough grain to keep them going. But those were happier times and going was easy, in any case was not as tough as it has become today duly aggravated by plastic money and so called easy instalment plans. Housewives of yesteryears could buy 'cute' utensils needed or not, in exchange of old clothes. They would go around showing their new found containers as if they have succeeded and superceded all in clinching the biggest deal ever.
Times changed and changed so swiftly that one could hardly keep pace with it without going bonkers and/or bankrupt. Barter system gave way to Exchange System. Bring your old pair of shoes and get a concession of a couple of hundred rupees while buying this strange looking shoes purported to have been made of 'imported' leather. Bring your old goggles,shell out another thousand rupees and join the brigade of latest sunglass wearers who want to see it all and show it all. Old music system,old telephone instrument,old scooter,old refrigerator,old television,old washing machine,old mattress,old car and what have you. Builders readily bought your house and raged it to ground to hastily erect a multi-storeyed housing complex or shopping arcade. Can you imagine where this mad race of exchange offers will take us. Not even 250 years have passed when Britishers invaded India with so tempting and overpowering exchange offers that ultimately 'Bharat' was exchanged for 'India'. Let us see and watch these multi-nationals,put together, I expect them to do a better job than East India Company. The way market forces are shaping up and the way we are lapping up these exchange offers,day is not far off when we will have following exchange offers :
OLD COMPUTER :
Computer has completely taken over our lives from eye testing,sex determination test, horoscopes to bank frauds,we have come along way baby, deeper than Bill Gates could fathom.Grandson to grandpa all ve beome computer fan. My maid too has bought a laptop, has a website of her own and regularly chats on net with the maids of other countries on topics such as how to do dishes and scrub floor in most effective way with optimum results.She is wellversed in several computer games. So dont waste your time,bring your old computer and take away the computer of next generation.
OLD HEART :
Oh come of it. Why dont you just accept it that your heart is not in tune with present times and gets depressed at the sight of nudity and corruption. You can not even eat to your heart's content-- cheolostrol man ! The virus of conscience and compassion need to be located and liquidated promptly. You must get rid of your heart before it causes any more damage. Please come and take away latest German technique throw away heart. 'Do it yourself' kit is free so that you can yourself transplant it.
OLD NOSE :
Sridevis and Shilpas all sport nose of our company. You need not be bothered any more about your long,crooked,bulbous or parrot like nose. Visit us once and pick up the nose best suited to your otherwise beautiful face. Avail of our family pack scheme and get the matching ears complimentary.
OLD EYES :
Time has come to turn a blind eye towards your existing pair of eyes. Get them gouged,if not already done by cataract operation free camp wallas. We specialise in eyes of all hues and shades. Red,Green, Blue, Brown Orange. You can prepare your own very special customised eyes with the help of our in-house computer.
OLD SKIN :
Ours is the oldest and the only herbal outlet. Satisfaction is guaranteed. Who do you think Michael Jackson visited for his skin change,us only man! The music concert was only a front for consultation. You choose the texture and shade and we will change your skin,putting chameleon to shame. Annual contract at concessional rates is available for party hoppers. We have two thosand eight hundred shades including 'mera wala yellow'.
OLD OVERSIZED WAIST :
It is a dream of every girl( aunties too ) to have a slender waist similar to Barbie dolls. Your dream will come true now. We chisel your waist precisely to your taste. No side effects. Dont believe us...? Ask Bebo. You can walk to the ramps of a fashion show or disco straight from our clinic.
OLD WIFE :
By far our most sensational offer. One got to avail it to believe it. We assure you, you will get hooked. Please try to read between the lines. For various reasons it is a company policy not to divulge much about this unique offer. Come early in the morning to avoid rush. We are open on sunday.
OLD PA :
To hell with these old men of today,they are so very outdated. They are not at all environment friendly just like poly bags. Like old cars, their maintenance cost too is very high. Please come and deposit your old man of any make and take your pick from the latest series. Every tenth walk in will be given 10% off. One month trial scheme with money back guarantee is also there.
OLD BOYFRIEND :
In case you are seen with the same boyfriend in more than two dos, you are looked down upon. It is fast times baby. Dont be senti. No use wasting your emotions,grow up. Come and dump your old boyfriend with us and walk away with the fresh one from our latest Italian collection of stud boyfriends.
OLD IN-LAWS :
In- laws, like cigarette smoking are injurious to health. Nonetheless, brand new in-laws are less injurious just like low tar cigarettes. We are showcasing new jeans and jacket sporting American in-laws. You will just love them. Havent you loved cowboy movies all these years. Avail of our early bird discount offers. Limited stock.
COME ONE COME ALL.
We are taught that in ancient times Barter system was an important mode of commerce in India. One could barter old household goods for new brassware and other kitchen wares. Poor tillers worked day long and in the exchange were given enough grain to keep them going. But those were happier times and going was easy, in any case was not as tough as it has become today duly aggravated by plastic money and so called easy instalment plans. Housewives of yesteryears could buy 'cute' utensils needed or not, in exchange of old clothes. They would go around showing their new found containers as if they have succeeded and superceded all in clinching the biggest deal ever.
Times changed and changed so swiftly that one could hardly keep pace with it without going bonkers and/or bankrupt. Barter system gave way to Exchange System. Bring your old pair of shoes and get a concession of a couple of hundred rupees while buying this strange looking shoes purported to have been made of 'imported' leather. Bring your old goggles,shell out another thousand rupees and join the brigade of latest sunglass wearers who want to see it all and show it all. Old music system,old telephone instrument,old scooter,old refrigerator,old television,old washing machine,old mattress,old car and what have you. Builders readily bought your house and raged it to ground to hastily erect a multi-storeyed housing complex or shopping arcade. Can you imagine where this mad race of exchange offers will take us. Not even 250 years have passed when Britishers invaded India with so tempting and overpowering exchange offers that ultimately 'Bharat' was exchanged for 'India'. Let us see and watch these multi-nationals,put together, I expect them to do a better job than East India Company. The way market forces are shaping up and the way we are lapping up these exchange offers,day is not far off when we will have following exchange offers :
OLD COMPUTER :
Computer has completely taken over our lives from eye testing,sex determination test, horoscopes to bank frauds,we have come along way baby, deeper than Bill Gates could fathom.Grandson to grandpa all ve beome computer fan. My maid too has bought a laptop, has a website of her own and regularly chats on net with the maids of other countries on topics such as how to do dishes and scrub floor in most effective way with optimum results.She is wellversed in several computer games. So dont waste your time,bring your old computer and take away the computer of next generation.
OLD HEART :
Oh come of it. Why dont you just accept it that your heart is not in tune with present times and gets depressed at the sight of nudity and corruption. You can not even eat to your heart's content-- cheolostrol man ! The virus of conscience and compassion need to be located and liquidated promptly. You must get rid of your heart before it causes any more damage. Please come and take away latest German technique throw away heart. 'Do it yourself' kit is free so that you can yourself transplant it.
OLD NOSE :
Sridevis and Shilpas all sport nose of our company. You need not be bothered any more about your long,crooked,bulbous or parrot like nose. Visit us once and pick up the nose best suited to your otherwise beautiful face. Avail of our family pack scheme and get the matching ears complimentary.
OLD EYES :
Time has come to turn a blind eye towards your existing pair of eyes. Get them gouged,if not already done by cataract operation free camp wallas. We specialise in eyes of all hues and shades. Red,Green, Blue, Brown Orange. You can prepare your own very special customised eyes with the help of our in-house computer.
OLD SKIN :
Ours is the oldest and the only herbal outlet. Satisfaction is guaranteed. Who do you think Michael Jackson visited for his skin change,us only man! The music concert was only a front for consultation. You choose the texture and shade and we will change your skin,putting chameleon to shame. Annual contract at concessional rates is available for party hoppers. We have two thosand eight hundred shades including 'mera wala yellow'.
OLD OVERSIZED WAIST :
It is a dream of every girl( aunties too ) to have a slender waist similar to Barbie dolls. Your dream will come true now. We chisel your waist precisely to your taste. No side effects. Dont believe us...? Ask Bebo. You can walk to the ramps of a fashion show or disco straight from our clinic.
OLD WIFE :
By far our most sensational offer. One got to avail it to believe it. We assure you, you will get hooked. Please try to read between the lines. For various reasons it is a company policy not to divulge much about this unique offer. Come early in the morning to avoid rush. We are open on sunday.
OLD PA :
To hell with these old men of today,they are so very outdated. They are not at all environment friendly just like poly bags. Like old cars, their maintenance cost too is very high. Please come and deposit your old man of any make and take your pick from the latest series. Every tenth walk in will be given 10% off. One month trial scheme with money back guarantee is also there.
OLD BOYFRIEND :
In case you are seen with the same boyfriend in more than two dos, you are looked down upon. It is fast times baby. Dont be senti. No use wasting your emotions,grow up. Come and dump your old boyfriend with us and walk away with the fresh one from our latest Italian collection of stud boyfriends.
OLD IN-LAWS :
In- laws, like cigarette smoking are injurious to health. Nonetheless, brand new in-laws are less injurious just like low tar cigarettes. We are showcasing new jeans and jacket sporting American in-laws. You will just love them. Havent you loved cowboy movies all these years. Avail of our early bird discount offers. Limited stock.
COME ONE COME ALL.
INTERVIEW OF AN UPCOMING BOLLYWOOD ACTRESS
INTERVIEWER : Since when are you in the film line ?
BOLLYWOOD ACTRESSS: My mama disclosed, i was born on a location set of 'kunwaari bahu' in a film studio.
Inter : where were you educated ?
B.A. : I was all along intersted in films. Like you have English medium,Marathi medium,similarly I picked up my education in filmi
medium. You know ! Audio-visual . In my HKG itself I could recite scores of hit film songs.By the time i was in my primary classes,
I knew dialogues of all big actors and actresses of my time and would talk in their style with others and also with myself in mirror.
Inter: People blame you of imitating Meena Kumari
B.A.: Oh really ? What could be a bigger compliment than this I have always been inspired by Meena Kumari. Even in school, you know ? girls used to tease me and address me MK.
Inter : Do you believe in exposing ?
B.A. : Oh no. Not at all.. but of course if it is the demand of scene...story...director...dance director...script writer...photographer...producer...financier..or public I dont mind it for the sake of art.After all I possess a terrific body. Dont forget
I was Miss Nine Planets. Only those actresses are against exposing who have nothing worth to show to the world.
Inter : We hear of 'casting couch' in the industry , did you face any such dilemma ?
B.A. : Dilemma ? what dilemma ? as soon as I came to bollywood first thing i bought was my own furniture,therefore, I dont really use their casting couch. I am from a good family I am not here to earn money like other heroines I am here to get myself,more importantly my acting talent accepted. I will go to any extent for this. I have acting talent and it has come to the forefront.
Inter : Your forthcoming films ?
B.A. : I have many films of big banners. All are different. Their story too is different. Not run-of -the mill stuff you see.
Inter : Your favorite food ?
B.A. : Chinese and Thai but of late, it is Italian you know Pizza,Pasta, Macroni.
Inter : Your favorite dress ?
B.A. : I am glad you asked that I do believe in dressing up at home. i love micro-skirts and sling tops with noodle straps.
Inter : We hear of your secret liaisons with your leading man ?
B.A. : What rubbish ! We just go to discos and khandala with our group. Me and Ramesh are merely good friends and between good friends there are no secrets,there is nothing to hide. Friendship is all about sharing. Although I live in Ramesh's flat but as a paying guest only.Other day when Ramesh insisted I had put little sindoor in my hair parting and wore Mangal Sutra, they spread all sorts of stories
about us. People have dirty mind you see.
Inter : ' Main to Nahaoongi' film is said to be full of your nude scenes because of which we hear it is stuck with censor ?
B.A. : You know the water supply in our country, people dont take bath for months,therefore,couldnt stand me taking bath so frequently in the film. It is nothing but jealousy.
Inter : Where did you pick up your dancing ?
B.A. : Oh from my mom you see.
Inter : Who is your dress designer ?
B.A. : My sis, I ve yet to find a better designer than her in whole of Hollywood. One cant make out whether you are wearing anything at all.
Inter : Who are your favorite actors and actresses ?
B.A. : I love Tom Cruise,Clark Gable, Peter Ustinov,Charles Bronson, Gregory Peck, Sean Connery Dalip Kumar and Amitabh Bachchan. My favorite actresses are Marlyn Munroe,Liz Taylor, Barbara Striestand, Julia Roberts and Meena Kumari.
Inter : What are your hobbies ?
B.A. Oh I freak out on foreign films. This helps me in improving my diction and dress sense. I am a voracious reader. I like to read classics such as James Hadley Chase and M&B
Inter : You drink ?
B.A. : Yeah, I like only red wine, you know it is fat free, alcohol free. I am not a hypocrite like other heroines who drink mixed with coke or in stainless steel tumblers.
Inter : How did you miss out on 'Best Actress' award and how come Diljeet got it ?
B.A. : Oh you see it is like this. We are very good friends. She is a hardworking actress besides she is lucky, thats all. Award or no award, I stand for my principles. High time Diljeet learnt to digest her success , respect her seniors and keep her mouth shut, otherwise I will spill the beans as if people didnt know how she hopped her way to the award.
Inter : Your message to the new actresses ?
B.A. : Be eco-friendly, be user-friendly. Take care of your skin. It needs larger and greater exposure. You see Bombay...er. I'm sorry,
Mumbai's climate is like that.
LUV U HAMESHA ! !
BOLLYWOOD ACTRESSS: My mama disclosed, i was born on a location set of 'kunwaari bahu' in a film studio.
Inter : where were you educated ?
B.A. : I was all along intersted in films. Like you have English medium,Marathi medium,similarly I picked up my education in filmi
medium. You know ! Audio-visual . In my HKG itself I could recite scores of hit film songs.By the time i was in my primary classes,
I knew dialogues of all big actors and actresses of my time and would talk in their style with others and also with myself in mirror.
Inter: People blame you of imitating Meena Kumari
B.A.: Oh really ? What could be a bigger compliment than this I have always been inspired by Meena Kumari. Even in school, you know ? girls used to tease me and address me MK.
Inter : Do you believe in exposing ?
B.A. : Oh no. Not at all.. but of course if it is the demand of scene...story...director...dance director...script writer...photographer...producer...financier..or public I dont mind it for the sake of art.After all I possess a terrific body. Dont forget
I was Miss Nine Planets. Only those actresses are against exposing who have nothing worth to show to the world.
Inter : We hear of 'casting couch' in the industry , did you face any such dilemma ?
B.A. : Dilemma ? what dilemma ? as soon as I came to bollywood first thing i bought was my own furniture,therefore, I dont really use their casting couch. I am from a good family I am not here to earn money like other heroines I am here to get myself,more importantly my acting talent accepted. I will go to any extent for this. I have acting talent and it has come to the forefront.
Inter : Your forthcoming films ?
B.A. : I have many films of big banners. All are different. Their story too is different. Not run-of -the mill stuff you see.
Inter : Your favorite food ?
B.A. : Chinese and Thai but of late, it is Italian you know Pizza,Pasta, Macroni.
Inter : Your favorite dress ?
B.A. : I am glad you asked that I do believe in dressing up at home. i love micro-skirts and sling tops with noodle straps.
Inter : We hear of your secret liaisons with your leading man ?
B.A. : What rubbish ! We just go to discos and khandala with our group. Me and Ramesh are merely good friends and between good friends there are no secrets,there is nothing to hide. Friendship is all about sharing. Although I live in Ramesh's flat but as a paying guest only.Other day when Ramesh insisted I had put little sindoor in my hair parting and wore Mangal Sutra, they spread all sorts of stories
about us. People have dirty mind you see.
Inter : ' Main to Nahaoongi' film is said to be full of your nude scenes because of which we hear it is stuck with censor ?
B.A. : You know the water supply in our country, people dont take bath for months,therefore,couldnt stand me taking bath so frequently in the film. It is nothing but jealousy.
Inter : Where did you pick up your dancing ?
B.A. : Oh from my mom you see.
Inter : Who is your dress designer ?
B.A. : My sis, I ve yet to find a better designer than her in whole of Hollywood. One cant make out whether you are wearing anything at all.
Inter : Who are your favorite actors and actresses ?
B.A. : I love Tom Cruise,Clark Gable, Peter Ustinov,Charles Bronson, Gregory Peck, Sean Connery Dalip Kumar and Amitabh Bachchan. My favorite actresses are Marlyn Munroe,Liz Taylor, Barbara Striestand, Julia Roberts and Meena Kumari.
Inter : What are your hobbies ?
B.A. Oh I freak out on foreign films. This helps me in improving my diction and dress sense. I am a voracious reader. I like to read classics such as James Hadley Chase and M&B
Inter : You drink ?
B.A. : Yeah, I like only red wine, you know it is fat free, alcohol free. I am not a hypocrite like other heroines who drink mixed with coke or in stainless steel tumblers.
Inter : How did you miss out on 'Best Actress' award and how come Diljeet got it ?
B.A. : Oh you see it is like this. We are very good friends. She is a hardworking actress besides she is lucky, thats all. Award or no award, I stand for my principles. High time Diljeet learnt to digest her success , respect her seniors and keep her mouth shut, otherwise I will spill the beans as if people didnt know how she hopped her way to the award.
Inter : Your message to the new actresses ?
B.A. : Be eco-friendly, be user-friendly. Take care of your skin. It needs larger and greater exposure. You see Bombay...er. I'm sorry,
Mumbai's climate is like that.
LUV U HAMESHA ! !
(from the collection Bald is beautiful 2000)
also published in Women's Era June(second) 2000
ENGLISH SCHOOL PLEASE ! WE ARE INDIAN.
Gone are the days when grandma and aunties used to move around liberally sprinkling the blessings of begetting seven sons to al those, who cared. In return daughters-in-law blushed and visibly felt grateful. When this blessing bore fruit in my household, it was obviously a cause for pain and anxiety in more ways than one. Freshers (parents) would endorse my perception that each tiny tot today demands a hamper, preferably a gift hamper won by the infant or the proud mother to be. This hamper should ideally contain mobile (of course next generation model) maruti (again latest version) and mouse (of laptop kind, for P.C. is already a passé) and membership of a disc (short for disco, we thought we had already shortened discotheque to disco and it couldn’t be shortened further)
First thing first, the emergent need as I felt was that of his admission to a public school. Basically, I toe the line whenever and whatever and feel immensely comfortable in doing so. A great protagonist of status-quo – a distinct feature of the middle class man that I am. Therefore, one fine evening equipped with a long list of schools, I set for hitherto, uncharted route just like Gulliver. First school I visited, the car parking itself was overcrowded and they had hung a board of ‘No Admission’ there itself. Crane operators were doing overtime in towing away the prized catch. Everyone was rushing towards the school campus as the watchman was about to close the main gate. We were breathless, nonetheless joyously pranking like kids. As soon as we stepped in, the main gate automatically snapped shut.
A young father with a sheepish grin was distributing sweets to the crowd. Last year he could not make it and the main gate was shut on his face. The onlookers who were on the wrong side of the gate were giving us envious looks. One gate in between had split us into Haves and Have-nots. We felt as if we were the latest heartthrob film stars and were there to play a night cricket match.
The guy next to me in the queue dressed like an M.t.v. VJ disclosed that he is into a ‘live-in’ relationship for the last couple of years but his ‘gal’ has refused any more truck with him unless he succeeds in obtaining a prospectus of this school. ‘Dough is no probs’ he said. She too was a product of this school.
This school is most expensive, hence, most prestigious and sought after. It has half a dozen film actors, a dozen industrialists and a large number of dropouts to be proud of, who have made it big in whatever avocation they entered into be it politics, extortion or car-racing.
No sooner the counter opened, it was closed. Only lucky few succeeded in getting the form blank, others were turned blank, though they kept addressing the counter clerk as sir, Saab, uncle, maibaap, grandpa etc. Everyone had some reference or name to ‘drop’. “ I am sent by Grover”, “Mrs. Malhotra has sent me “, “ I come from CM house”, “ I am from PMO”, “I am from Police HQ” etc. etc. The counter clerk was trained in not showing any signs of listening to them much less appear impressed by such utterances.
Come what may. All those who didn’t get form were moaning, sobbing and in no time began crying loudly.
But quite a few hadn’t lost their nerves and were busy frantically calling on their cell while rushing to next school in their list. Everyone was in a haste to drive out first. It was like a car chasing scene from a western thriller. The whole site resembled as if Godzilla has entered the town.
I had succeeded in roping in quite a few of my relations, friends, neighbors and office colleagues to help me in obtaining prospectus of as many schools as humanly possible. To each one I had promised as per his ability, from a lavish treat in the neighboring fast food joint to out-of-promotions By the end of the month, I had collected prospectus of half a dozen schools. I had already got 150 copies of passport size photographs of my child, wife and myself individually as well as in group; one never knows what they might ask for. More than required numbers of copies of our marriage certificate, ration card, tax returns duly attested by gazetted officer were stacked at home. I had taken two months leave from office. Early in the morning, we would get up, visit different temples, offering our prayers. Every alternate day my wife was observing a fast. After we failed ‘miserably’ in one of the school tests she had avowed to undertake pilgrimage of all the four ‘Dhams’. The school which has ‘failed’ us was as luxurious as a private heart care institute. All quiet. Although the test was very easy containing simple questions yet it remained a mystery how and why we couldn’t make it.
I had, with great efforts managed several recommendatory letters from local legislator to old ‘pals’ of the Princi but to no avail. In all these schools, we could never come across face to face with the Principal. Thus, there was no close encounter of the third kind. Principals were either out of station or awfully busy while in station. So many times, we were fired “No” at a close range by PTI type persons that I was beginning to actually have nightmares. Night after night, I saw this dream. Dressed like a cowboy, I would gallop into Princi’s chamber on a horseback and shoot non-stop even before he could press the bell to call the peon (obviously to throw me out)
In several schools, I came across the Princis who were more interested to know all about parents, the ministry or the industry they worked for than the child-to-be-admitted. Businessmen loitering in the corridors of schools with a check book in one hand and pan masala in the other were a common sight. Parents would dash straight from the beauty parlors. Who knows? Princi might ‘fall’ for sheer presentability or good looks if not the good report card. The beauty parlors, particularly the ones in the vicinity of schools were doing brisk business. Parents were also known for indulging in lot of mumbo-jumbo. Many consulted the black magic practitioners. Children were made to drink ‘holy water’ before they entered the examination hall for admission test. City was agog with ‘kirtans’And ‘jagrans’ through which gods were being approached to do the needful.
Celebrations were galore. Band and music groups were doing shift duties like in a busy marriage season. Parents whose ward couldn’t figure in the admission list of any respectable school had gone underground due to depression. De novo critical analysis was being done as to where the fatal ‘slip’ occurred. Detailed blue print for next year’s ‘dos and don’ts’ was being debated furiously. The debate that was to keep them going till the next admission season.
So long!
First thing first, the emergent need as I felt was that of his admission to a public school. Basically, I toe the line whenever and whatever and feel immensely comfortable in doing so. A great protagonist of status-quo – a distinct feature of the middle class man that I am. Therefore, one fine evening equipped with a long list of schools, I set for hitherto, uncharted route just like Gulliver. First school I visited, the car parking itself was overcrowded and they had hung a board of ‘No Admission’ there itself. Crane operators were doing overtime in towing away the prized catch. Everyone was rushing towards the school campus as the watchman was about to close the main gate. We were breathless, nonetheless joyously pranking like kids. As soon as we stepped in, the main gate automatically snapped shut.
A young father with a sheepish grin was distributing sweets to the crowd. Last year he could not make it and the main gate was shut on his face. The onlookers who were on the wrong side of the gate were giving us envious looks. One gate in between had split us into Haves and Have-nots. We felt as if we were the latest heartthrob film stars and were there to play a night cricket match.
The guy next to me in the queue dressed like an M.t.v. VJ disclosed that he is into a ‘live-in’ relationship for the last couple of years but his ‘gal’ has refused any more truck with him unless he succeeds in obtaining a prospectus of this school. ‘Dough is no probs’ he said. She too was a product of this school.
This school is most expensive, hence, most prestigious and sought after. It has half a dozen film actors, a dozen industrialists and a large number of dropouts to be proud of, who have made it big in whatever avocation they entered into be it politics, extortion or car-racing.
No sooner the counter opened, it was closed. Only lucky few succeeded in getting the form blank, others were turned blank, though they kept addressing the counter clerk as sir, Saab, uncle, maibaap, grandpa etc. Everyone had some reference or name to ‘drop’. “ I am sent by Grover”, “Mrs. Malhotra has sent me “, “ I come from CM house”, “ I am from PMO”, “I am from Police HQ” etc. etc. The counter clerk was trained in not showing any signs of listening to them much less appear impressed by such utterances.
Come what may. All those who didn’t get form were moaning, sobbing and in no time began crying loudly.
But quite a few hadn’t lost their nerves and were busy frantically calling on their cell while rushing to next school in their list. Everyone was in a haste to drive out first. It was like a car chasing scene from a western thriller. The whole site resembled as if Godzilla has entered the town.
I had succeeded in roping in quite a few of my relations, friends, neighbors and office colleagues to help me in obtaining prospectus of as many schools as humanly possible. To each one I had promised as per his ability, from a lavish treat in the neighboring fast food joint to out-of-promotions By the end of the month, I had collected prospectus of half a dozen schools. I had already got 150 copies of passport size photographs of my child, wife and myself individually as well as in group; one never knows what they might ask for. More than required numbers of copies of our marriage certificate, ration card, tax returns duly attested by gazetted officer were stacked at home. I had taken two months leave from office. Early in the morning, we would get up, visit different temples, offering our prayers. Every alternate day my wife was observing a fast. After we failed ‘miserably’ in one of the school tests she had avowed to undertake pilgrimage of all the four ‘Dhams’. The school which has ‘failed’ us was as luxurious as a private heart care institute. All quiet. Although the test was very easy containing simple questions yet it remained a mystery how and why we couldn’t make it.
I had, with great efforts managed several recommendatory letters from local legislator to old ‘pals’ of the Princi but to no avail. In all these schools, we could never come across face to face with the Principal. Thus, there was no close encounter of the third kind. Principals were either out of station or awfully busy while in station. So many times, we were fired “No” at a close range by PTI type persons that I was beginning to actually have nightmares. Night after night, I saw this dream. Dressed like a cowboy, I would gallop into Princi’s chamber on a horseback and shoot non-stop even before he could press the bell to call the peon (obviously to throw me out)
In several schools, I came across the Princis who were more interested to know all about parents, the ministry or the industry they worked for than the child-to-be-admitted. Businessmen loitering in the corridors of schools with a check book in one hand and pan masala in the other were a common sight. Parents would dash straight from the beauty parlors. Who knows? Princi might ‘fall’ for sheer presentability or good looks if not the good report card. The beauty parlors, particularly the ones in the vicinity of schools were doing brisk business. Parents were also known for indulging in lot of mumbo-jumbo. Many consulted the black magic practitioners. Children were made to drink ‘holy water’ before they entered the examination hall for admission test. City was agog with ‘kirtans’And ‘jagrans’ through which gods were being approached to do the needful.
Celebrations were galore. Band and music groups were doing shift duties like in a busy marriage season. Parents whose ward couldn’t figure in the admission list of any respectable school had gone underground due to depression. De novo critical analysis was being done as to where the fatal ‘slip’ occurred. Detailed blue print for next year’s ‘dos and don’ts’ was being debated furiously. The debate that was to keep them going till the next admission season.
So long!
टॉइलेट फाइव स्टार
सिंगापुर में सार्वजनिक शौचालयों की स्टार रेटिंग की जा रही है. अब वहाँ सुख-सुविधा के अनुसार तीन सितारा,पाँच सितारा शौचलाय होंगे. ऐसा सुना है कि अकेले सिंगापुर में 75000 पब्लिक टॉइलेट हैं. पढ़ कर तबीयत पानी-पानी हो गयी. एक हमारा हिंदुस्तान है. सारे जहाँ से अच्छा. शौचालय कितने हैं ये तो पता नहीं मगर कैसे हैं ये भालिभांति पता है. आपको भी खबर तो है ही.सिंगापुर में टॉइलेट में पौधे, साबुन, तौलिया, टॉइलेट पेपर ,शीशा, ठंडा गरम पानी, म्यूजिक,लाइट सब उपलब्ध है. हमारे टॉइलेट में पौधे नहीं हैं अतः हम वनस्पति प्रेमी जहाँ पेड़ हो वहीं आड़ लेकर बैठ जाते हैं . चिपको आंदोलन का एक रूप यह भी है. साबुन,तौलिया,शीशा तो घर आकर ही बापरते हैं. रही म्यूजिक कि बात तो खुद ही गुनगुना लेते हैं. कई बार शौकिया,कई बार कुंडी न होने कि मजबूरी में.
हमारे टॉइलेट हवादार ओपन एयर हैं. आप यदि मूत्रालय जायें तो वहाँ ध्हेर सारी गंदगी मिल जाएगी. यहाँ तक कि आपके पैर सन जायेंगे. इस बात कि गारंटी है. ये गारंटी सिंगापुर वाले नहीं दे सकते. बेचारे !. हमारे शौचालयों में फ्लश या तो होती नहीं,होती है तो चलती नहीं,पानी न होने के कारण या फिर किसी अन्य तकनीकी खराबी के चालत. हमारे शौचालयों में आपको दो चीज़ और गारंटी से मिलेंगी. एक तो चित्रकला और उसके साथ के अनमोल वचन. दूसरे किसी दवाखाने का विज्ञापन पोस्टर जिसे पढ़ कर आपको अपनी मर्दानगी को लेकर शक होना लाज़िमी है. इतने ढेर सारे लक्षण वहाँ लिखे होंगे कि उनमें से एक न एक आप में ज़रूर होगा. सिर दर्द,चक्कर आना, भूख न लगना,भूख बार-बार लगना,पेशाब में जलन,पेशाब रुक-रुक कर आना,थकान रहना,आँखों के आगे अंधेरा, और आँखों के नीचे काले धब्बे होना.टाँग या हाथ काँपना. पत्नी के पास जाने में शर्म आना और जैसे-तैसे चले भी गए तो शर्म से पानी-पानी होकर लौट आना इत्यादि-इत्यादि. अंत में आपको हकीम जी या डॉक्टर साब से एक बार मिलने कि सलाह और लाखों नवयुवकों कि तरह आपका भी जीवन ठा...ठा करने का वादा. वे ये बटन नहीं भूलते कि डॉक्टर साब ये कोर्स आपको डाक से भेज देंगे और आपका नाम-पता गुप्त रखा जाएगा. आखिर गुप्त रोग जो है.
इंडिया में टॉइलेट में नल नहीं होते. होते हैं तो टोंटी नहीं होती.टोंटी होती है तो या तो खुलती नहीं या बंद नहीं होती. नल और टोंटी दोनों हों तो पानी नदारद. आप बैठ नहीं सकते. चैन इक पल नहीं.
वहाँ का पता नहीं. यहाँ ऐसे टॉइलेट खुल गए तो लोग शेख़ी बघारने से बाज़ नहीं आयेंगे. “कल फाइव स्टार टॉइलेट में गया था. बड़ा मज़ा आया”. “आज ऑफिस से हाफ़-डे लेकर जल्दी जाना है. फॅमिली को थ्री स्टार तिलेट में ले जाना है. बहुत दिनों से ज़िद कर रही है”. क्या समां रहेगा.
सिंगापुर में ये सब चीज़ें कहाँ होंगी. बड़ी अनकमफ़र्टएबल फीलिंग आएगी. ये सोच-सोच कर मैं सिंगापुर नहीं जा रहा हूँ.
हमारे टॉइलेट हवादार ओपन एयर हैं. आप यदि मूत्रालय जायें तो वहाँ ध्हेर सारी गंदगी मिल जाएगी. यहाँ तक कि आपके पैर सन जायेंगे. इस बात कि गारंटी है. ये गारंटी सिंगापुर वाले नहीं दे सकते. बेचारे !. हमारे शौचालयों में फ्लश या तो होती नहीं,होती है तो चलती नहीं,पानी न होने के कारण या फिर किसी अन्य तकनीकी खराबी के चालत. हमारे शौचालयों में आपको दो चीज़ और गारंटी से मिलेंगी. एक तो चित्रकला और उसके साथ के अनमोल वचन. दूसरे किसी दवाखाने का विज्ञापन पोस्टर जिसे पढ़ कर आपको अपनी मर्दानगी को लेकर शक होना लाज़िमी है. इतने ढेर सारे लक्षण वहाँ लिखे होंगे कि उनमें से एक न एक आप में ज़रूर होगा. सिर दर्द,चक्कर आना, भूख न लगना,भूख बार-बार लगना,पेशाब में जलन,पेशाब रुक-रुक कर आना,थकान रहना,आँखों के आगे अंधेरा, और आँखों के नीचे काले धब्बे होना.टाँग या हाथ काँपना. पत्नी के पास जाने में शर्म आना और जैसे-तैसे चले भी गए तो शर्म से पानी-पानी होकर लौट आना इत्यादि-इत्यादि. अंत में आपको हकीम जी या डॉक्टर साब से एक बार मिलने कि सलाह और लाखों नवयुवकों कि तरह आपका भी जीवन ठा...ठा करने का वादा. वे ये बटन नहीं भूलते कि डॉक्टर साब ये कोर्स आपको डाक से भेज देंगे और आपका नाम-पता गुप्त रखा जाएगा. आखिर गुप्त रोग जो है.
इंडिया में टॉइलेट में नल नहीं होते. होते हैं तो टोंटी नहीं होती.टोंटी होती है तो या तो खुलती नहीं या बंद नहीं होती. नल और टोंटी दोनों हों तो पानी नदारद. आप बैठ नहीं सकते. चैन इक पल नहीं.
वहाँ का पता नहीं. यहाँ ऐसे टॉइलेट खुल गए तो लोग शेख़ी बघारने से बाज़ नहीं आयेंगे. “कल फाइव स्टार टॉइलेट में गया था. बड़ा मज़ा आया”. “आज ऑफिस से हाफ़-डे लेकर जल्दी जाना है. फॅमिली को थ्री स्टार तिलेट में ले जाना है. बहुत दिनों से ज़िद कर रही है”. क्या समां रहेगा.
सिंगापुर में ये सब चीज़ें कहाँ होंगी. बड़ी अनकमफ़र्टएबल फीलिंग आएगी. ये सोच-सोच कर मैं सिंगापुर नहीं जा रहा हूँ.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The Tihar Club
There are clubs and clubs, country club promoting Gilli Danda to Gymkhana club promoting snobbery but none can match Tihar club. Tihar is like a rose among flowers. A bright summer sun among feeble stars. Perhaps you are not aware of the popularity Tihar commands and the clamor among politicians, bureaucrats, police officials and international tricksters to gain entry in Tihar.
Tihar has not achieved this enviable status overnight, whole lot of police and jail officials have sweated for it day in day out. Contribution of prisoners in this respect deserves a special mention. Knowledgeable sources confirm that Tihar is indeed a model jail. The privileges and comfort, money can buy, are yours at your back and call. Things difficult at times, to obtain in open market are easily available in Tihar e.g. smack, best of liquor, computers, cell phone victims for extortion and associates for future assignments etc.
Tihar's attractions and popularity is so universal that under-trials are known to have been specially requesting judges to enter the portals of Tihar. It is my ambition in life kind of a thing. Tihar's reputation is as such that petty thieves come out to become boss and bosses graduate to be dons. Dons at first place, do not go to a prison, even when they so decide due to some technical snag, they come out to become multinational. This is what I call post doctoral work. Thus, we all agree that the Tihar is the prestigious institution fully equipped for higher studies and recommended for advance learning among the like minded scholars.
Whenever, you feel atmosphere is monotonous, you can conveniently walk away to forget your blues, to be with nature, listen to birds singing, music of waves kissing sea shore and get escorted back. Last time, some inmates had gone as far as Goa to answer the call of the sea. Looking to the prisoners love for nature, proposal is to make artificial lake, mountains and sea beaches in the jail campus. Thus, prisoners can avail all the facilities, a health resort can boast of, complete with boating, skating, fishing, sking and even the dubious massage. To be with nature, has a very positive and soothing influence on one's mind inspiring fresh schemes and conspiracies.
Prisoners are no more made to put in hard physical labor in jail. Stone-crushing, weaving, spinning, canning are outdated avocations. These are all bourgeois concepts. Now prisoners do it only when face to face with a camera of conducted tour group or are required to sing a duet/chorus. Remember Hindi films when wise viewers promptly realized that now some of these inmates were about to escape.
Often it is said that Tihar is overcrowded. Of course, it indicates soaring fame of Tihar beside proving that Tihar is after all mirror of our society. Overcrowding is everywhere in our society whether it is road, market, restaurants or trains, why single out Tihar. However, Government ought to do something to improve the ecological balance in Tihar.
Prisoners can subscribe to latest glossy girlie magazines and best sellers. They can have music system, video, fax, e-mail, STD( of telephone kind) etc.. The specialty restaurants cater to the gourmet. One can go for variety of continental food. On nominated days one can relish bar-be-cue and sea food. Fast food joints are also doing brisk business.
The great sage Kabir has said our soul is a prisoner of our body and throughout life soul remains restless and longs to meet its Maker. Prisoners in Tihar are encouraged to go dating, have floor show, Jam session, rain dance etc. Atmosphere is pleasant with love, warmth and romance writ large all over. On popular demand, Tihar is slated to celebrate Valentine Day followed by fashion shows and beauty pageants. For serious types Mr. Tihar contest will be there where participants will compete for Tihar Shri and Tihar Vibhushan. A detailed proposal has been accepted of Run-For-Prison group. This NGO will do Event Mgmt for Mr Muscles, Mr. Beautiful Fingers (Pick-pockets) Mr. Beautiful Legs (jail breakers). There is no hassle of Chief Guest. Plenty are available within. This is called self-sufficiency.
In a bid to project our efforts in international field there will be regular friendly exchange programs of prisoners with other advanced nations. Hearing this the clamor for Tihar has increased manifold. Eager aspirants are prepared to give their head for admission in this exclusive Tihar Club.
Tihar has not achieved this enviable status overnight, whole lot of police and jail officials have sweated for it day in day out. Contribution of prisoners in this respect deserves a special mention. Knowledgeable sources confirm that Tihar is indeed a model jail. The privileges and comfort, money can buy, are yours at your back and call. Things difficult at times, to obtain in open market are easily available in Tihar e.g. smack, best of liquor, computers, cell phone victims for extortion and associates for future assignments etc.
Tihar's attractions and popularity is so universal that under-trials are known to have been specially requesting judges to enter the portals of Tihar. It is my ambition in life kind of a thing. Tihar's reputation is as such that petty thieves come out to become boss and bosses graduate to be dons. Dons at first place, do not go to a prison, even when they so decide due to some technical snag, they come out to become multinational. This is what I call post doctoral work. Thus, we all agree that the Tihar is the prestigious institution fully equipped for higher studies and recommended for advance learning among the like minded scholars.
Whenever, you feel atmosphere is monotonous, you can conveniently walk away to forget your blues, to be with nature, listen to birds singing, music of waves kissing sea shore and get escorted back. Last time, some inmates had gone as far as Goa to answer the call of the sea. Looking to the prisoners love for nature, proposal is to make artificial lake, mountains and sea beaches in the jail campus. Thus, prisoners can avail all the facilities, a health resort can boast of, complete with boating, skating, fishing, sking and even the dubious massage. To be with nature, has a very positive and soothing influence on one's mind inspiring fresh schemes and conspiracies.
Prisoners are no more made to put in hard physical labor in jail. Stone-crushing, weaving, spinning, canning are outdated avocations. These are all bourgeois concepts. Now prisoners do it only when face to face with a camera of conducted tour group or are required to sing a duet/chorus. Remember Hindi films when wise viewers promptly realized that now some of these inmates were about to escape.
Often it is said that Tihar is overcrowded. Of course, it indicates soaring fame of Tihar beside proving that Tihar is after all mirror of our society. Overcrowding is everywhere in our society whether it is road, market, restaurants or trains, why single out Tihar. However, Government ought to do something to improve the ecological balance in Tihar.
Prisoners can subscribe to latest glossy girlie magazines and best sellers. They can have music system, video, fax, e-mail, STD( of telephone kind) etc.. The specialty restaurants cater to the gourmet. One can go for variety of continental food. On nominated days one can relish bar-be-cue and sea food. Fast food joints are also doing brisk business.
The great sage Kabir has said our soul is a prisoner of our body and throughout life soul remains restless and longs to meet its Maker. Prisoners in Tihar are encouraged to go dating, have floor show, Jam session, rain dance etc. Atmosphere is pleasant with love, warmth and romance writ large all over. On popular demand, Tihar is slated to celebrate Valentine Day followed by fashion shows and beauty pageants. For serious types Mr. Tihar contest will be there where participants will compete for Tihar Shri and Tihar Vibhushan. A detailed proposal has been accepted of Run-For-Prison group. This NGO will do Event Mgmt for Mr Muscles, Mr. Beautiful Fingers (Pick-pockets) Mr. Beautiful Legs (jail breakers). There is no hassle of Chief Guest. Plenty are available within. This is called self-sufficiency.
In a bid to project our efforts in international field there will be regular friendly exchange programs of prisoners with other advanced nations. Hearing this the clamor for Tihar has increased manifold. Eager aspirants are prepared to give their head for admission in this exclusive Tihar Club.
तिहाड़ क्लब
बेल तो बहुत हैं मगर अंगूर की बेल की बात और है. उसी तरह जेल तो बहुत हैं मगर तिहाड़ जेल की बात ही निराली है. तिहाड़ का नाम तिहाड़ कैसे पड़ा पता नहीं मगर एक बात निश्चित है की रखनेवाले ने बड़े बेल तो बहुत हैं मगर अंगूर की बेल की बात और है. उसी तरह जेल तो बहुत हैं मगर तिहाड़ जेल की बात ही निराली है. तिहाड़ का नाम तिहाड़ कैसे पड़ा पता नहीं मगर एक बात निश्चित है की रखनेवाले ने बड़े सोच-समझ कर नाम रखा है-- तिहाड़ अर्थात ऐसा स्थान जहाँ हाड गोढ़ तोड़े जाते हों. ऐसा स्थान जहाँ आपके हाड मांस की मालिश की जाए. तिहाड़ को आज जेलों में वही स्थान प्राप्त है जो फूलों में गुलाब को और पर्वतों में हिमालय पहाड़ को है. सुना है अन्य जेलों के क़ैदी तिहाड़ को लेकर हीन ग्रन्थि (इंफीरिओरिटी काम्प्लेक्स ) से ग्रसित पाये गए हैं. सब की दिली ख्वाहिश है की एक बार तिहाड़ हो आते तो जीवन की साध पूरी जाती. पीछे सुना है की न केवल क़ैदी बल्कि अब तो राजनीतिज्ञों, बैंक अफसरों, जेलर और पुलिस के बड़े बड़े अफसरों (पुलिस में छोटे अफसर होते ही नहीं ) में भी तिहाड़ जाने की होड़ सी लगी है.
तिहाड़ को ये संभ्रांत दर्ज़ा और ख्याति यूँ ही एक रात में ही नहीं मिल गयी है. इसके पीछे पुलिस,प्रशासन तथा सार्वाधिक कैदियों का हाथ है. सब ने दिन रात एक करके बरसों के अथक परिश्रम के बाद तिहाड़ को आज इस ईर्ष्याजनक स्थिति में पहुँचाया है.
जानकार लोग बताते हैं की यह निश्चय ही मॉडल जेल है.यहाँ वे सब चीज़ें बड़ी आसानी से मुहय्या हैं जो एक बार को ओपन मार्केट में भी मुश्किल से हासिल होंगी. काफी आइटम हैं. अब फहरिश्त बनाने निकले तो बहुत लंबी बनेगी और मुमकिन है जेल वाले बुरा मान जायें (कोई आइटम छूट गया तो ) अतः मैं यहाँ इस से बच रहा हूँ.
तिहाड़ का चस्का कुछ ऐसा है की अक्सर मुजरिम जज साबव से स्पेशल फरमाइश कर तिहाड़ ही आना चाहते हैं. वे कहते हैं सज़ा भले साल दो साल और बदगा दो मगर गरीब परवर एक बार तिहाड़ घुमा दो. ऐसा पाया गया है की यहाँ के खान-पान में कुछ ऐसी तासीर है की उचक्के बॉस बनकर निकलते हैं और बॉस लोग बाहर आते ही डॉन बन जाते हैं, डॉन लोग अव्वल तो तिहाड़ आते नहीं लेकिन कभी अगर तकनीकी कारण से आना भी पड़े तो खुदा गवाह है की जीतने भी डॉन तिहाड़ गए हैं वे सब मल्टी-नेशनल मेरा मतलब है इंटेरनेशनल हो गए हैं. सोचिए हाइर स्टडीज़ के लिए वहाँ की आब-ओ-हवा कितनी मुफीद है.
कई बार लोग बोर हो जाते हैं तो बाहर टहलने भी आ जाते हैं और घूम फिर कर लौट लेते हैं. कुछ तो घूमते-घूमते लंबे भी निकाल जाते हैं और बाद में उन्हें गोवा आदि के समुंदरी तटों पाया जाता है. मेरा सुझाव है की तिहाड़ में अंदर ही कृत्रिम झील,पर्वत और समुंदर तट बनाया जाए जहाँ नौका-विहार, स्केटिंग, स्कीइंग,फ़िशिंग आदि की सुविधाएँ सुलभ कराई जायें. यह देखा गया है की प्रकृति के नज़दीक रहने से मन पर बड़ा असर पड़ता है और दिमाग में नयी नयी योजमाओन के विचार आते हैं.
कैदियों से पत्थर तुदवाना चक्की चलवाना, आउटडेटेड हो गया है यह बुरजूआ मनोवृति थी. अब क़ैदी केवल हिन्दी फिल्मों में पत्थर तोड़ते या चक्की पीसते दिखाई देते हैं वह भी तब जब वे भागने की तैयारी में होते हैं या फिर उन्हें कोई दर्द भरा गीत गाना होता है. अमूमन क़ैदी ज़िंदगी के मुक्तलफ़ पहलू पर तबादला-ए-ख्याल में मशगूल रहते हैं.और ऐसी फलसफ़ाई बहस का
सिलसिला अक्सर सर फूटने या एक-आध की जान लेकर ख़त्म होता है. कैदियों से कटाई, बुनाई, सफाई आदि कराना भी आउट ऑफ फॅशन हो गया है. अभी हाल तक कैदियों में सत्संग कीर्तन का चलन भी पाया जाता था. देखने में आया है की उनकी भक्ति (इश्क़) पहले से ही पर्याप्त रूप से जाग्रत होतो है. हम सभी जानते हैं की इश्क़-ए-हकीकी (ईश्वर प्रेम) के लिए रास्ता इश्क़-ए-मजाज़ी( भौतिक प्रेम) के चौराहे से ही जाता है.
हम हुए, तुम हुए, मीर हुए
सब उनकी जुल्फों के असीर(क़ैदी) हुए
तिहाड़ को ये संभ्रांत दर्ज़ा और ख्याति यूँ ही एक रात में ही नहीं मिल गयी है. इसके पीछे पुलिस,प्रशासन तथा सार्वाधिक कैदियों का हाथ है. सब ने दिन रात एक करके बरसों के अथक परिश्रम के बाद तिहाड़ को आज इस ईर्ष्याजनक स्थिति में पहुँचाया है.
जानकार लोग बताते हैं की यह निश्चय ही मॉडल जेल है.यहाँ वे सब चीज़ें बड़ी आसानी से मुहय्या हैं जो एक बार को ओपन मार्केट में भी मुश्किल से हासिल होंगी. काफी आइटम हैं. अब फहरिश्त बनाने निकले तो बहुत लंबी बनेगी और मुमकिन है जेल वाले बुरा मान जायें (कोई आइटम छूट गया तो ) अतः मैं यहाँ इस से बच रहा हूँ.
तिहाड़ का चस्का कुछ ऐसा है की अक्सर मुजरिम जज साबव से स्पेशल फरमाइश कर तिहाड़ ही आना चाहते हैं. वे कहते हैं सज़ा भले साल दो साल और बदगा दो मगर गरीब परवर एक बार तिहाड़ घुमा दो. ऐसा पाया गया है की यहाँ के खान-पान में कुछ ऐसी तासीर है की उचक्के बॉस बनकर निकलते हैं और बॉस लोग बाहर आते ही डॉन बन जाते हैं, डॉन लोग अव्वल तो तिहाड़ आते नहीं लेकिन कभी अगर तकनीकी कारण से आना भी पड़े तो खुदा गवाह है की जीतने भी डॉन तिहाड़ गए हैं वे सब मल्टी-नेशनल मेरा मतलब है इंटेरनेशनल हो गए हैं. सोचिए हाइर स्टडीज़ के लिए वहाँ की आब-ओ-हवा कितनी मुफीद है.
कई बार लोग बोर हो जाते हैं तो बाहर टहलने भी आ जाते हैं और घूम फिर कर लौट लेते हैं. कुछ तो घूमते-घूमते लंबे भी निकाल जाते हैं और बाद में उन्हें गोवा आदि के समुंदरी तटों पाया जाता है. मेरा सुझाव है की तिहाड़ में अंदर ही कृत्रिम झील,पर्वत और समुंदर तट बनाया जाए जहाँ नौका-विहार, स्केटिंग, स्कीइंग,फ़िशिंग आदि की सुविधाएँ सुलभ कराई जायें. यह देखा गया है की प्रकृति के नज़दीक रहने से मन पर बड़ा असर पड़ता है और दिमाग में नयी नयी योजमाओन के विचार आते हैं.
कैदियों से पत्थर तुदवाना चक्की चलवाना, आउटडेटेड हो गया है यह बुरजूआ मनोवृति थी. अब क़ैदी केवल हिन्दी फिल्मों में पत्थर तोड़ते या चक्की पीसते दिखाई देते हैं वह भी तब जब वे भागने की तैयारी में होते हैं या फिर उन्हें कोई दर्द भरा गीत गाना होता है. अमूमन क़ैदी ज़िंदगी के मुक्तलफ़ पहलू पर तबादला-ए-ख्याल में मशगूल रहते हैं.और ऐसी फलसफ़ाई बहस का
सिलसिला अक्सर सर फूटने या एक-आध की जान लेकर ख़त्म होता है. कैदियों से कटाई, बुनाई, सफाई आदि कराना भी आउट ऑफ फॅशन हो गया है. अभी हाल तक कैदियों में सत्संग कीर्तन का चलन भी पाया जाता था. देखने में आया है की उनकी भक्ति (इश्क़) पहले से ही पर्याप्त रूप से जाग्रत होतो है. हम सभी जानते हैं की इश्क़-ए-हकीकी (ईश्वर प्रेम) के लिए रास्ता इश्क़-ए-मजाज़ी( भौतिक प्रेम) के चौराहे से ही जाता है.
हम हुए, तुम हुए, मीर हुए
सब उनकी जुल्फों के असीर(क़ैदी) हुए
अक्सर यह सुनने में आता है कि तिहाड़ में उसकी क्षमता से अधिक क़ैदी भर लिए गए हैं. यह तिहाड़ की लोकप्रियता को तो इंगित करता ही है साथ भी इस बात का सूचक भी है कि जैसा कुएं में होगा वैसा ही तो लोटे में होगा. अर्थात जब क्षमता से अधिक लोग हमारी, सोसाइटी, शहर और देश सब जगह हैं तो अकेले तिहाड़ की बदनामी क्यों. फिर भी सरकार को कुछ करना चाहिए. और कुछ नहीं तो पर्यावरण और आकर्षण की दृष्टि से ही या तो तिहाड़ की ब्रांचे खुलवा दें या फिर वर्तमान परिसर में आस पास की कॉलोनी मिला दी जायें. इन कॉलोनी के निवासियों को विकल्प रहेगा कि वे चाहें तो मुख्य परिसर में शिफ्ट कर जायें या वहीं बने रहें.
कैदियों को अब न केवल पत्र-पत्रिकाएँ, बेस्ट सेलर , संगीत, टी.वी., डी.वी.डी. मोबाइल,फेक्स, एस.टी.डी., आई.एस.डी. की सुविधाएँ हैं बल्कि वे स्वाद बदलने के लिए अ ला कार्ते ( फी नग के हिसाब से ) डिनर, लंच ले सकते हैं. मसलन कह सकते हैं भई कल चिकन दो प्याज़ा ज्यादा हैवी हो गया था अतः आज केवल पिज़्ज़ा लेंगे और शाम को हेमबरगर या चाइनिज
कबीरदास ने कहा है कि जीवन इस तन का क़ैदी है और सारी उम्र आत्मा, परमात्मा से मिलने को छटपटाती रहती है. इसी विचारधारा के अंतर्गत कैदियों को मुहब्बत करने, पत्र-मित्र बनाने तथा जैम सेशन आदि की छूट बड़े पैमाने पर है. माहौल मुहब्बत का है न कि बाहर की तरह नफरत का. हम सब जानते है कि प्यार में कितनी ताकत है इसलिये लोग खिंचे चले आते हैं. तिहाड़ में लोकप्रिय माँग पर वेलेंटाइन डे, फ़ैशन शो, सौंदर्य प्रतियोगिता, मिस्टर तिहाड़ प्रतियोगिता, आदि आयोजित कराने के रूपरेखा अंतिम चरण में है. तिहाड़ श्री, तिहाड़ विभूषण आदि उपाधियाँ विजेताओं को दी जाएँगी. इसके साथ ही मिस ब्युटिफुल लिप, हेयर, लेग की तर्ज़ पर मिस्टर मसल्स, मिस्टर ब्युटिफुल उंगली (केवल जेबकतरों के लिए) मिस्टर ब्युटिफुल लेग (केवल भगोड़ों के लिए) मिस्टर जेल ब्रेकर आदि की उपाधियाँ भी दी जाएँगी. मुख्य अतिथि आदि की समस्या भी नहीं है, सब तिहाड़ में ही हैं. कहीं बाहर जाने की ज़रूरत ही नहीं. इसे कहते हैं आत्म-निर्भरता.
तिहाड़ की लोकप्रियता जिस रफ़्तार से बढ़ रही है बताते हैं कि वहाँ जाने वाली सड़कों का विशेष रख-रखाव और चमकाने का स्पेशल ठेका दिया गया है. इतने सारे वी.आई.पी. वहाँ ठहर रहे हैं कि वहाँ जाने वाली सभी सड़कों को चौड़ा करने के लिए वर्ल्ड बैंक से विशेष ऋण अथवा अनुदान, जो मिल जाए, के लिए एक शिष्टमंडल शीघ्र ही अमरीका भेजने का निर्णय लिया गया है. शिष्टमंडल के सभी बीस सदस्य वाया यूरोप अमरीका पहुँचेंगे तथा लौटते में ऑस्ट्रेलिया, हॉंगकॉंग होते हुए आयेंगे. बाद में सांस्कृतिक आदान-प्रदान के अंतर्गत कैदियों के दलों को भी विदेश भेजा जाएगा. जेल अधिकारियों के नेतृत्व में. इस में सभी अपराधों के क़ैदी शामिल किए जायेंगे. जैसे सभी मुख्य राजनीतिक दलों के सदस्य दूसरे देशों की जल-मल निकासी सिस्टम का अध्ययन करने यूरोप जाते हैं. विदेश जाने की होड़ को लेकर बहुत से अपात्र व्यक्ति भी पूछते फिर रहे हैं कि वे क्या करें कि इस एक्सक्लूसिव ‘तिहाड़ क्लब’ की सदस्यता के पात्र हो जायें. इसकी मैम्बरशिप का वी.आई.पी कोटा किसके पास है.
क से कुत्ता क से कॉन्फ्रेंस
कॉन्फ्रेंस- सेमिनार तो आपने भी बहुत से देखे होंगे. कई में भाग भी लिया होगा. मगर जिस दिन हमारे कॉलेज में एक कॉन्फ्रेंस आयोजित करने का निर्णय लिया गया उस दिन से ऐसी अफरातफरी मची कि पूछो मत. एक तो सेमिनार, वो भी फ़िरंगियों का. ऐसा मालूम होता था कि इस सेमिनार में तनिक भी कमी रह गयी तो हो सकता है वो हमारे देश को दुबारा ग़ुलाम बना लें और इसका सारा आरोप सारा जिम्मा हमारा होगा.
हैल्थ वालों को ताकीद कर दी गयी कि ये जो कॉलेज-परिसर में कुत्ते,सूअर और बड़ी तादाद में कबूतर घूमते हैं उनका कुछ बदोबस्त किया जाए. बंदोबस्त इतना पुख्ता होना चाहिए कि फ़िरंगियों को अगर एक भी कुत्ता दिख गया तो खैर नहीं. अब हैल्थ वाले डॉक्टर साब सुबह शाम कुत्ते गिन रहे होते या फिर सूअरों को हाँक रहे होते.रोज़ाना शाम मीटिंग में वो लेटैस्ट फ़िगर बताते “जी कल शाम तक 13 सूअर, 8 कुत्ते और 126 कबूतर ही रह गए थे. प्रिंसिपल इन आँकड़ों से खुश तो दूर संतुष्ट भी दिखाई न देते.उन्हें अब डॉक्टर को परेशान करने और परेशान देखने में एक तरह का मज़ा आने लग गया था. घंटों मीटिंग में इस बात की चर्चा होती रहती की डॉक्टर आप कुछ उपाय नहीं कर रहे हैं. कुत्तों की और सूअरों की इस चुनौतीपूर्ण समस्या से कैसे निपटा जाए. हर तरह के सुझाव आते. छर्रे वाली बंदूक का सुझाव इसलिये नहीं माना गया कि इस से सूअर मरेगा नहीं और कबूतर जिसे डराना भर है, मर जाएगा
जहाँ कॉलेज परिसर में मोर, चिड़िया तोतों की मौज थी. वहीं इन तीनों के अस्तित्व की रक्षा का गंभीर प्रश्न था. कबूतरों के लिए किसी कंपनी की जैली लाई गयी,जिसे इमारत पर छिड़क देने से कबूतर वहाँ नहीं बैठ पायेंगे. किसी ने उड़ा दिया कि यह जैली जहरीली है और कबूतर दनादन मरेंगे. ये खबर किसी तरह जानवरों के अधिकारों की रक्षा में सक्रिय संस्था को मिल गयी. कहने वाले तो यहाँ तक कहते हैं कि अंदर के ही किसी व्यक्ति ने इस संस्था को खबर दी थी. बहरहाल वहाँ से महिलाओं का एक दल आया जिसका नेतृत्व एक ऐसी महिला कर रही थी जिसे देखते ही आपकी घिघी बंध जाना लाज़िमी है. उसने जो आकर खबर ली तो बच्चू सबकी सिट्टीपिट्टी गुम हो गयी. सब घबड़ा रहे थे की कहीं जितने कुत्ते सूअर भागे हैं कहीं उतनी ही संख्या में वो आदमियों को न मार डाले . ठीक ही तो है. आँख के बदले आँख. जान के बदले जान. उसको देखते ही सारे प्रोफेसर कबूतर जैसे हो जाते. जैसे जानते ही नहीं कि कॉलेज में कुत्ते, सूअर भी हैं. सब यही कहते हम तो पढ़ाने आते हैं पढ़ा के सीधे घर चले जाते हैं.हमें नहीं पता कि कॉलेज में विद्यार्थियों के अलावा कोई अन्य जीव जंतु भी हैं एक आध ने तो यह कहा कि उनका पशु-पक्षी प्रेम तो जग जाहिर है. वो तो कुत्ते,सूअर,कबूतर को दाना खिलाये बगैर कौर भी नहीं निगलते.लेकिन वो मेनका की चाची कहाँ मानने वाली थी सबको डराया-धमकाया,अपनी खूब खातिर कराई और अगले दिन अख़बार में छाप भी दिया कि कॉलेज के दरिंदे प्रिंसिपल और प्रोफेसर मिल कर निरीह,भोलेभाले सूअर और कबूतरों को डरा रहे हैं और कुत्तों को धर्मेन्द्र वाले स्टाइल में धमकाते हैं. अख़बार में खबर छपते ही प्रिंसिपल और प्रोफेसर भीगी बिल्ली बन गए. इधर कुत्तों और सूअरों को कहीं से खबर लग गयी की अब उनका भी कोई हिमायती है. वे निडर हो कर इधर-उधर घूमने लग गए और जहाँ तहाँ मुँह मारने लगे. जानकार बताते हैं कि कुछ मोर तो डिप्रेशन में चले गए और एक-दूसरे से यहाँ तक कहने लग गए “ कलियुग है जी कलियुग ! इसी को कहते हैं कलियुग. हमें कोई पूछ नहीं रहा. कहने को हम राष्ट्रीय पक्षी हैं. सबका ध्यान नालायक कबूतरों पर है जिन्हें बीट तक करने की तमीज़ नहीं. भला ये भी कोई बात हुई बरसों से गुटरगूँ से आगे कुछ भी नहीं . इधर कॉलेज के चिड़िया, तोते, मैना कबूतरों को चिढ़ाते उड़ रहे थे “भई ये तुम्हें क्या डॉक्टर ने बताया है कि बिल्डिंग में रहो ..बड़े शाही ठाठ हैं तुम्हारे. ये तो होना ही था. क्यों नहीं हमारी तरह शुरू से ही पेड़ों पर रहने की आदत डालते...हमें कोई हाथ लगा कर दिखाये. ...पेड़ काटने के भी कानून हैं. अमिताभ बच्चन भी अपने घर का पेड़ नहीं काट सकता “. अब कुत्तों और सूअरों के भय खुल गए थे. क्या प्रिंसिपल क्या प्रोफेसर सब के सामने वो शान से अपने पूरे परिवार के लश्कर के साथ गुजरते थे मानो ये कॉलेज मूलत इन्ही के लिए खोला गया है. वो किसी प्रोफेसर को देखते ही एक दूसरे के नज़दीक ऐसे आ जाते जैसे आपस में कानाफूसी कर रहे हों “ इसे देख रहे हो न, इस से बच के रहना, कुछ कहे या ऊँची आवाज में भी बात करे तो मुझे बताना, अगली बार इसी का ट्रान्सफर कराना है “
बिन चमचा सब सून
अगर आप नौकरी पेशा हैं तो आपको ये तजुर्बा होगा कि चमचागीरी एक महत्वपूर्ण कला है। हाँ, कम्प्युटर से भी महान और शाश्वत! नौकरी के दौरान कदम-कदम पर आपको चमचों और उनकी कला से दो-चार होना पड़ता है। दफ़्तरों में विदाई समारोह बड़े ज़ोर-शोर से आयोजित किए जाते हैं। आपका विदाई समारोह हो तो भाषण सुनकर आपको वाकई लगने लगता है कि आप कितने महान हैं और ये लोग अब कैसे जिएंगे। घबराएँ नहीं ऐसा कुछ नहीं है। आप महज उतने ही महान हैं जितना आपकी बीवी और बच्चे आपको समझते हैं, बाकी सब हवा....हवा....है।
जिस प्रकार विदाई समारोहों में फूलों की माला से लेकर गुणों का झूठा-सच्चा बखान तक तय होता है। उसी प्रकार हर चमचे का ‘रोल’ तय होता है। जैसा काम वैसा चमचा। चमचा बिन सब सून । चमचों ने न जाने कितने अफसर “निकाल” दिये, उनकी “एक्सपर्टीज” वैसी ही है जैसे शादी में बिचौलिये की होती है। अपने अफसर की बदली या विदाई के समय चमचों की दशा बहुत दयनीय हो जाती है। यद्यपि तजुर्बेकार चमचे ऐसे भौतिक परिवर्तनों से घबराया नहीं करते।
शादी ब्याह में गिफ्ट चैक और लिफाफा कल्चर से पहले बड़ी किल्लत थी। परिणामतः कई-कई टेबल, लैंप, लेमन सेट, ट्रे सेट, बिजली की इस्त्रियाँ हो जाती थीं मगर विदाई समारोहों के गिफ्ट बजट के अनुसार तय से हैं यथा सूट केस, दीवाल घड़ी। थर्मस सेट, ट्रे सेट आदि। विदाई वाले दिन अफसर सूट या सफारी में आते हैं। सब उनकी स्तुति चिर परिचित शब्दों में करते हैं। साथ ही साथ गणित भी लगाते जाते हैं, इसकी जगह कौन आएगा, किसको क्या विभाग, क्या पोस्टिंग मिलेगी? बनर्जी की जगह नायर बाजी न मार ले जाए। माथुर तो लंबी छुट्टी पर है। शर्मा आजकर बहुत साहब के साथ देखा जा रहा है, जुगाड़ भिड़ा रहा होगा। बहुत चालू है। चमचागीरी में तो जैसे डिप्लोमा किए हुए हैं। बिल्कुल गुप्ता पर गया है। कई मैनेजर आए गुप्ता के बिना उनका काम ही नहीं चलता। गुप्ता को उनकी कार का दरवाजा खोलने में भी कोई गुरेज नहीं, वह भी इस करीने के साथ खोलता है जैसे कोई ऑरकेस्ट्रा की परफॉर्मेंस दे रहा है और इस कार्य को उसके सिवाय कोई कर ही नहीं सकता। मिसेज गुप्ता भी लेडीज़ क्लब में बॉस की बीबी के साथ इस तरह सटी रहती है जैसे दोनों जुड़वा ही पैदा हुई थी।
चमचागीरी पर गहन शोध की आवश्यकता है. इस से बहुत ही रोचक तथ्य और आँकड़े उजागर होंगे. जैसे चमचे हर वक्त क्यों एक फिक्स मुस्कान अपने चेहरे पर रखते हैं. होठों का वह खिंचाव जो मुस्कान के बतौर पास हो सके वह कितने दिन के अभ्यास से आता है, क्यों उनके शब्दकोश में ‘नहीं’ होता ही नहीं. बॉस जहाँ स्थित है उसके कितने चुम्बकीय क्षेत्र में उनकी दुम किस रफ़्तार से हिलती है. चमचागीरी कि कोई यूनिट भी तय होनी चाहिये ताकि बॉस यह सुनिश्चित कर सकें कि कौन स चमचा कितनी पुचकार अथवा फटकार का अधिकारी है व गोपनीय रिपोर्ट में वह कहाँ ‘स्टेंड’ करता है, चमचागीरी कि इतनी गला काट प्रतिद्वंदिता के बावजूद चमचागीरी नापने का क्षेत्र अंधकार में है. अतः इस पर स्रोत सामग्री (साहित्य) की विकट आवश्यकता है. ताकि चमचों में बढ़ते हुए रोष को रोका जा सके व उनका निष्पक्ष आंकलन किया जा सके. इस के अभाव में बॉस को बहुत ही भोंडे व बेकार किस्म के आउटडेटेड तरीकों का सहारा लेना पड़ता है. जैसे दफ़्तर में आपका काम. आपकी सेल्स,मारकीटिंग की उपलब्धियाँ, कितनी फ़ाइल क्लियर हुईं. आपकी नियमित उपस्थिति आदि आदि .साबुन-चाय कॉफी के साथ मुफ्त बाँट बाँट कर चमचों का पीछे बहुत अवमूल्यन किया गया है. कभी सोचा है चमचे ही क्यों ? थाली कटोरी क्यों नहीं. यह चमचे की सर्वव्यापकता व लोकप्रियता को तो इंगित करता ही है साथ ही ऐसे क्रियाकलापों ने चमचे को बहुत ‘चीप’ भी बना दिया है.
अब समय आ गया है की गोपनीय रिपोर्ट के पुराने ढर्रे को जड़ से उखाड़ के फेंक दिया जाए. इस आधी-अधूरी प्रक्रिया से क्या हासिल जो आपकी प्रतिभा और वास्तविक उपलब्धियों का कोई लेखा-जोखा ही न रख सके. एक बॉस ट्रांसफर पर जाते समय दूसरे बॉस से कह जाए की अमुक बहुत अच्छा चमचा है तब तो ठीक वरना आपकी सारी मेहनत बेकार हो गई. फिर क. ख. ग. से शुरू करो . भारतवासियों की काहिली और पिछड़ेपन का एक कारण यह भी है की अपनी भूगोल,खगोल और अंतरिक्ष की खोजों का कोई लिखित रेकॉर्ड रखा ही नहीं सब मुंहजबानी काम चलता रहा. बाद में इन्ही क्षेत्रों में दूसरों का मुँह ताकते हैं. यही हश्र चमचागीरी का होनेवाले है. यदि हम चाहते हैं की यह कला भी हमारे देश से लुप्त न हो जाए तो चमचों की इस वास्तविक समस्या पर गंभीर रूप से गौर करने की ज़रूरत है. चमचे जिन्हें ईर्ष्या का पात्र ‘सुपर स्टार’ होना था वे समुचित रेकॉर्ड के अभाव में करुणा के पात्र ‘एक्स्ट्रा’ बन जाते हैं. अतः गोपनीय रिपोर्ट का नया फ़ॉर्म डिज़ाइन किया गया है. इसे अंग्रेजी में सी.आर. ( कोन्फिडेंसियल रिपोर्ट ) कहा जाता है. नए पुनर्गठित ढाँचे में भी सी.आर. कहा जाएगा अर्थात चमचीय रिपोर्ट.
चमचीय रिपोर्ट
वर्ष ......
- चमचे का नाम :
- चमचे की आयु
- चमचे का अन्यथा पद
- चमचे का अन्यथा कार्यस्थल
- चमचागीरी का पिछला अनुभव
(प्रमाण-पत्रों/ प्रशंसा-पत्रों की प्रति सलंग्न करें)
रिपोर्ट देने वाले अधिकारी द्वारा मूल्यांकन
- स्वागत/विदाई समारोहों में भूमिका
- क्या वह प्रसन्नता से =
(1) बच्चों को स्कूल ले जाता है
(2) उनकी फीस जमा कराता है
(3) गैस/राशन/सब्जी लता है
- दिन में नमस्ते करने की औसत संख्या
- अभिवादन करते समय शरीर का ज़मीन से कोण
- साहब के बच्चों को बाहर घुमाने के स्थान/संख्या
- चमचे को पिछले वर्ष दी गयी डांट का ब्योरा
- चमचे ने कब/कितनी बार कार्यालय के काम व अपने घर के काम की अनदेखी कर अफसर के यहाँ हाज़िरी बजाई है ( स्थान कम पड़ने पर अलग शीट लगाएं)
- क्या वह पदोन्नति के लायक है
( चमचे की उच्चतर जिम्मेवारी को स्वीकार करने की इच्छा व योग्यता को ध्यान में रख कर भरा जाए )
पहले ज्योतिष और जादू पर पाठ्यक्रम नहीं थे मगर आज हैं. इसी प्रकार चमचागीरी पर पाठ्यक्रम चलाये जाने चाहिए ताकि नयी पीढ़ी को दिशा ज्ञान हो सके प्रारंभ में सर्टिफिकेट कोर्स इन चमचालोजी, डिप्लोमा इन चमचालोजी के कोर्स रखे जायें. आइ.सी.आइ. (इंडियन चमचालोजी इंस्टीट्यूट ) व आइ.आइ.ए.सी. ( इंडियन इंस्टीट्यूट ऑफ एडवांस्ड चमचालोजी ) खोले जायें. तत्पश्चात इसके विभिन्न बारीक पहलुओं पर शोध कार्य हो जैसे चमचागीरी के लंबे इतिहास में वह कौन सा ‘डार्क पीरियड’ था जब मनुष्य की दुम गायब हो गयी. ज़िला/राज्य व अखिल भारतीय स्तर पर अधिवेशन /सेमिनार हों. विभिन्न स्तर पर प्रतियोगिताओं में चमचा-रत्न, चमचा-विभूषण, चमचा-श्री की उपाधियाँ प्रदान की जायें. अपने देश में अच्छी तरह पल्लवित पुष्पित होने के बाद इसे सार्क, गुट निरपेक्ष व कामनवैल्थ में सम्मान दिलाया जाए. हिन्दी भले महत्व न पा सकी मगर वह दिन दूर नहीं जब चमचागीरी पर यू.एन.ओ. को भी यूनिसेफ, यूनेसको की तरह यूनाइटेड नेशन्स इंटरनेशनल चमचागीरी फ़ंड स्थापित करना होगा .
दुनियाँ भर के चमचो एक हो जाओ !
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
राजभाषा बनाम राज की भाषा
देश आजाद होने के बाद से तमाम राजभाष विभागों, हिन्दी प्रचार समितियों की एक मात्र उपलब्धि यह रही है कि हम हिन्दी को सरल से कठिनतर, ग्राहय से गुहय और सरस से सपाट बनाने में सफल रहें हैं। इसके ऐतिहासिक कारण है। कहावत है कि शादी-ब्याह के मंत्र क्लिष्ट संस्कृत में इसलिये होते हैं की पंडितजी का धंधा चलता रहे। उसी तरह कानून की भाषा में इतने “इफ्स एंड बटस” इसलिए होते हैं कि जिस दिन आम आदमी कानून समझने लगेगा उसी दिन से वकीलों का क्या होगा? बस इसी तर्ज पर हिन्दी को ऐसा बना दिया गया है की बिना सलाहकार, निदेशक, संयुक्त निदेशक यह भाषा “पनप” ही नहीं सकती है। इनके बजट देखें। इनके कार्यालय के लवाजमा देखते ही बनता है। फिर मासिक, त्रैमासिक और छमाही प्रगति बैठकों के तो “मैनु” ही इतने रोचक होते हैं कि “अजेंडा” पर ध्यान ही नहीं जाता। इस मामले में बेंकों की राजभाषा बैठकें अच्छे आकर्षण का केंद्र होती हैं। इन सभाओं में शादी ब्याह की तरह पिछली सभा से बेहतर परोसने की प्रतियोगिता भी होती है। अधिकारियों के पास कुछ रटे-रटाये सूत्र हैं। रबर सील , कार्यालय आदेश और नाम पट्ट द्विभाषी होने चाहिए। साइक्लोस्टाइल करने वाले को पकड़ते हैं कि ‘बच्चे बिना हिन्दी आदेश छापकर दिखा” यह भी हिन्दी वालों की ‘प्रबंध में सहभागिता का नमूना है। जगह-जगह धूल-धूसरित व मकड़ी के जालों से अटे पोस्टर लगा दिए गए हैं। “हिन्दी में काम करें”, हिन्दी में काम करना आसान है।“ अरे मेरे भैया जब दफ़्तर में कोई काम ही नहीं करेगा तो आपकी नीति का उल्लंघन हुआ ही कहाँ? बिल्कुल उसी तरह जैसे जब कार्यालय में ‘शून्यकाल’ लगाया गया (बाहरी आंतरिक व्यक्तियों को डिस्टर्ब न करें) तो यह टिप्पणी अक्सर सुनने में आती थी दफ़्तरों में कोई बैठता ही नहीं है सुनसान पड़े रहते हैं वैसे ही शून्य काल लगा रहता है।
हिन्दी की यह देश सेवा क्या कम है की इतने निठ्लों की गाड़ी अपने बलबूते पर चला रही है। कार्यालय के समय में हिन्दी स्टाफ का हिन्दी की पत्र-पत्रिका पढ़ना भी ड्यूटी लिस्ट में आता है। हिन्दी एकक की महिलाएँ स्वेटर बुनते समय भी हिन्दी में ही वार्तालाप करती हैं। यह हिन्दी को प्रगति के पथ पर आगे बढ़ाने का नायाब तरीका है। मेरे परिचित राजभाषा अधिकारी तो हिन्दी के निरीक्षण वास्ते एयरकंडीशन कोच में स्थान-स्थान का भ्रमण करते हैं और हजारों रूपये महीने का तो यात्रा भत्ता ही ले लेते हैं। ऐसी है यह गरीब परवर हिन्दी।
आँकड़ों और प्रतिशत की गोद में खेलती है ये मेरी हिन्दी। इतने तार हिन्दी में दिये गए। इतने प्रतिशत कार्यालय आदेश हिन्दी में निकाले गए। फिर बहस शुरू होती है पिछली बार से किस विभाग ने कितने दशमलव अधिक या कम हिन्दी में कम किया है। जो लोग हिन्दी जानते ही नहीं या जानकर भी प्रयोग में लाना नहीं चाहते उनके लिए सरल और सुगम तरीके ईजाद किए गए हैं यथा अंग्रेजी के पत्र अथवा आदेश पर सिर्फ हस्ताक्षर भर अगर हिन्दी में कर दें तो पत्र हिन्दी का मान लिया जाता है। परीक्षा में दस प्रश्न पत्रों में से दो प्रश्न पत्रों के उत्तर हिन्दी में लिख दें तो विशेष पुरस्कार के लिए पात्र हो जाते हैं। फाइलों पर अधिकाधिक हिन्दी में टिप्पणी लिखने से हजारों रूपय के पुरस्कार आपके हैं। वह दिन दूर नहीं जब हिन्दी को बढ़ाने के लिये पुरस्कार स्वरूप दो व्यक्तियों को लंदन या पेरिस के वापसी टिकट दिये जायेंगे तथा चार रात का होटल में स्टे फ्री।
पीछे सुनने में आया था कि हमारे माननीय सांसद तंग आ गए थे कि ये ज़ाहिल भारतीय तो अपनी भाषा से प्रेम करते नहीं, तो क्यों न विदेश में जाकर देखा जाऐ कि क्यों जर्मनी का नागरिक जर्मन बोलता है, फ्रांस का नागरिक फ्रेंच बोलता है और अंग्रेज अंग्रेजी बोलता है। आनन-फानन में कार्यक्रम तय हो गया .चलो बाहर गाँव जाकर दूतावासों में हिन्दी प्रगति का जायजा लिया जाय । तुलसीदास जी ने साँप पकड़ कर छत पर पहुँचने का उपक्रम किया था उसी तरह सांसदों की समिति ने “हिन्दी”, को पकड़ कर विदेश पहुँचने की ठान ली। बुरा हो इन विपक्षिओं का न खेलते हैं न खेलने देते हैं। खबर ले उड़े और खूब उछाला। टूर केंसल। हिन्दी प्रगति करे तो कैसे।
हिन्दी के अनेक विद्वानों की कर्मभूमि तो विदेश भूमि ही रही है। वे जानते हैं कि भारत में क्या रखा है। सिवाय अंग्रेजी और अंग्रेजीयत के। विदेश में भी हिन्दी इन्हे वैतरणी पार करा रही है। हाउ स्वीट।
“हिन्दी अंग्रेजी दोऊ खड़े काके लागूँ पांव।
बलिहारी हिन्दी आप के विदेश दिया घुमाय।”
देश में राजभाषा विभाग को ‘प्रतीक्षा कक्ष’ की तरह प्रयोग में लाया जाता है! यहाँ अफसर बैठकर बेहतर पोस्टिंग का इंतजार करते हैं। इस विभाग में अक्सर रिक्तिया चलती रहती हैं। सजा पाये या “थके” हुए कर्मचारी यहाँ को धकेल दिये जाते हैं। रिक्ति रखना इन्हें “सूट” भी करता है। अधिक दबाव आए तो कहने को रहता है “क्या करें दों पद रिक्त हैं हिन्दी आगे बढ़े तो बढे कैसे? बहुत अधिक उन्नतिशील राजभाषा विभागों में कवि सम्मेलन कराने, स्मारिका निकालने व हिन्दी लेखकों की जयंती मनाने का रिवाज भी पाया जाता है।
समझ नहीं आता हिंदी के सिपाहियों ने किस जगह गलत “टर्न” ले लिया कि मंजिल से दूर ही होते जा रहे हैं। “हिन्दी सप्ताह” मनाने वाले मेरे देश में सन 47 से लेकर आज ६० साल बाद भी कार्यालय और परीक्षाएं बिन अंग्रेजी सूने क्यों हैं? सभी कान्वेंट पढ़ी वधू ही चाहते हैं। कन्या पाठशाला इज आउट। मेरे दफ़्तर में एक के दो बच्चे अंग्रेजी स्कूल में एड्मिशन न पा सकें हैं मजबूरन हिन्दी स्कूल में “डाले” गए हैं। यह बात पूरे दफ़्तर को पता है व लोग उसे कभी हेय दृष्टि से और कभी सहानुभूति से देखते हैं। वह उन सब की जमात में रह कर भी उनसे अलग-थलग पड़ गया है।
हिन्दी न आने का एक बहुत बड़ा कारण हमारी ढुलमुल नीति भी रही है। यह लगभग हर क्षेत्र में दृष्टिगोचर होती है। हमने उसे न्यायोचित ठहराते ठहराते आत्मसात ही कर लिया है। हमारा संविधान कठोर भी है, लचीला भी। बच्चे दों हों या तीन हों। लड़की हुई है चलो कोई बात नहीं, लक्ष्मी आई है। अब वंश चलाने को लड़का और कर लो। राज-काज द्विभाषी हो। हिन्दी आनी चाहिए पर अंग्रेजी भी बनी रहने दी जाए। नशाबंदी रहे ताकि गांधीजी का आत्मा को कोफ़्त न हो पर नकली शराब के कुटीर उधोग भी चलते रहें। समाजवाद आए किन्तु निजी क्षेत्र का उदारीकरण भी हो। हम धर्म निरपेक्ष रहें और मंदिर-मस्जिद के मुद्दे भी सुलगते रहें।
तमाम राजभाषा विभाग तथा प्रचार समितियाँ एक तरफ और बम्बई की एक हिट हिन्दी फिल्म एक तरफ। हिंदी बढ़ाई है हमारे अभिनेता अभिनेत्री ने। हिन्दी बढ़ाई है हमारे फिल्म निर्माता, गायकों, संगीतकारों ने वह भी बिन खड़ग बिन ढाल। मैं नहीं समझता कि विश्व में अन्य किसी भी देश में सिर्फ इस बात के लिए इनाम दिया जाता हो कि इन्होने अपनी भाषा में इतने हजार शब्द लिखे। हिन्दी में पुस्तक लिखकर उसे “लगवाना” एक “पुशिंग” व्यवसाय हो गया है। उतना ही तकनीकी और संभावनाओं से परिपूर्ण जितना “कंपनी” लीज पर अफसर का अपना मकान कंपनी को ही लीज पर “उठवाना”।
सोचता हूँ कि मैं भी हिन्दी बढ़ाने और उसके प्रेमियों की संख्या बढ़वाने कहीं विदेश में ही सैटल हो जाऊँ। आप भले कहते रहना “ब्रेन ड्रेन” हो रहा है। वहाँ हिन्दी की पताका फहराने को हिन्दी सम्मेलन करवाने की भी मेरी योजना है। यहाँ से चार संपादको को विशिष्ट अतिथि के तौर पर बुलाने की रूपरेखा भी फाईनल कर ली है। सोचिए फिर ग्रीनलैंड से भेजी मेरी कविता कौन सी हिन्दी पत्रिका छापने से मना करेगी?
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